Monday, April 9, 2012

Further Proof That I Don't Know ANYTHING

What the hell is this weather doing? Chilly again and overcast but supposedly no chance of rain. I suppose I should get my ass out and water the garden.
I don't know.
One of those mornings where I know nothing and it is made blatantly obvious to me over, and over, and over again and on my deathbed I'll say, "I know nothing and I never fucking did," and then I'll die. Done. And everyone will say, "Jeez. What a waste! All those years and she knew nothing."

I do know this- I'd rather not have a deathbed. I'd rather keel over in the cookie aisle at Publix, perhaps overly excited at the large selection and then just DIE so hard and so fast that no one has time to even break my fall, thus ensuring that I die twice- once from a massive something-something and then again from the ensuing head injury.

Okay. That might scare a child.

Whatever. We are all subject to traumatizing events in our childhoods. You can count on that.

Last night I made egg salad sandwiches with tomatoes on them for my husband to take fishing this morning. He got up at some very ungodly hour to go fishing out on the ocean and I had those beautiful hardboiled eggs and so I smashed them up and mixed some Miracle Whip and yellow mustard and sweet pickle relish and salt and pepper in with them and spread all of that on lovely whole grain bread and sliced up those tomatoes and put the sandwiches together and wrapped them all up with plastic wrap for him to take.
I also saved back a small piece of the carrot cake we brought home from Lily's for him to take as well. This reminded me of the day I had Jessie Moon, my youngest daughter. All day long I was in labor and I was walking around with my contractions, trying to be OPEN and allow myself to accept the strength of the contractions with OPENNESS AND GRATEFULNESS, etc., but mostly cursing under my breath and everyone in the world was there that day, all cheerful and happy because I WAS IN LABOR AND THEY WERE NOT and they cooked food and decorated as if for a party and my friend Lynn made egg salad, which I have never really liked in my life and someone brought a carrot cake, too.

So the point of this story is, is that by the time Jessie Moon was born and I was able to eat again after being in labor for a night and a day and puking most of that time, it was late at night and so I got up from my bed with my tiny baby and went into the kitchen because I was STARVING and I wanted some carrot cake so bad but there was not one crumb of carrot cake left. Not one. But there was egg salad.
I'll never get over that.

You've perhaps heard that story before. Whatever. Perhaps it shall become my traditional Easter Story although Jessie wasn't born on Easter but a few weeks later.

So I thought about that story last night and as always, when I think about egg salad, I wonder why I don't really like it because it is basically the same exact thing as deviled eggs but just with the whites all mushed up with the yolks. I'm a deviled egg purist. I don't hold with putting gourmet items in deviled eggs. The most gourmet item you will find in my deviled eggs is a little bit of mayonnaise along with the Miracle Whip. This is where I prove my Southerness.
Yesterday at Lily's after Owen hunted his Easter Eggs

everyone wanted deviled eggs and so Mark and I peeled eleven eggs (Owen wanted to keep one to play with) and then I deviled those eggs so fast you'd have thought that someone was holding a stop watch and they were not pretty. Oh hell no.
But they were damn good and we ate them as fast as I'd made them.

I thought about my Lis who PIPES her yolk-mixture back into the whites and how she would have had the vapors if she'd seen me scooping that stuff into the whites with a FORK and there wasn't even a sliced olive to go on top. Sure enough, when I talked to her later, she told me she'd not only piped the yolk mixture but had dyed her whites with beet juice and I bet they were the prettiest eggs in the world. She put a tiny bit of chopped dill on top.

Well, that's the difference between me and Lis. She is strong on presentation, I am strong on...uh...NOT presentation.

I still don't know why I love deviled eggs but do not care for egg salad.

So Mr. Moon is out on the ocean fishing and I don't know why but he does and that's all that matters. He left me a note that said, "I love you," with a heart on it. I also don't really know why he loves me but I sure am glad he does.

Someone I know posted a thing on Facebook the other day about how to be truly happy in a relationship you should be so happy with yourself that you would be okay without that other person and I wanted to smack someone. Specifically, the person who posted that shit.
Does that make any sense to you? I mean, if you're seventeen, maybe.
If you're fifty-seven and you've been with someone you love for twenty-eight years how can you even begin to imagine being happy without them? I don't care how much you love yourself. And who really loves themselves, anyway? I once knew a woman who was totally in love with herself to the point where it was bizarre and crazy but she was happy.
Her husband left her.
I imagine she was still happy but I am not sure.

Well, I could go on like this all day but I probably better not.
I'm going to go into town to go to the breastfeeding support group (aka Boob Group) with Lily and Gibson and then we're going to Babys (backwards) R us and maybe even get some lunch. Owen is staying home with his Uncle Chris. I thought I was going to babysit him and I was hoping we could watch some great kid movie together but I guess that's not to be. Oh well. I like to be surrounded by breastfeeding women and babies. I could take pictures and post them here. That would make as much sense as anything but I won't. That would be an invasion of privacy and if I do know one thing, privacy should NOT be invaded, especially when it comes to breastfeeding which reminds me of the guy I knew who claimed that his wife practiced the Las Vegas Showgirl Style Of Breastfeeding, meaning she didn't care who saw her breasts.
That still cracks me up.

I am enjoying getting to know Gibson with all of my heart. He is a fine baby and a relaxed one. He likes to be propped up into a sitting position and he holds that little head up and looks all around and if he gets fussy, he doesn't do it in an annoying way. He does it in a polite way and then if he gets some milk, he quits being fussy. He's a little like Yoda if Yoda breastfed.

All right, all right! I'll stop now! I think I am a bit worried about Mr. Moon being out on the ocean because honestly, well, they go out there really far and if anything happened out that far, it would be scary and no, I do not love myself enough to be happy without him.

That's all.
I mean it.

Yours Truly...Ms. Clueless


  1. I love deviled eggs. but not a big fan of egg salad. hmmm. never really thought about it but you're right. same thing.

  2. I love deviled eggs and not egg salad too. And I threw up during labor for my first three and for the others, I threw up afterwards. Thanks for reminding me of that. I agree about the love yourself thing, someone posted it on my fb too. They probably don't have a true love in their life or they wouldn't have. The weather here is also chilly and we haven't had rain in weeks. We need it badly. Rains across town, but not here. They should have saved you some carrot cake.

  3. You know a lot... The sad thing is that the more you know the more you realize that you know NEVER ENOUGH...
    I am with you on the presentation... Some people just have the presentation gift... I never even try. As long as it tasts good it's OK... I am sure your deviled eggs are wonderful. And then they are eaten in good company!

  4. Deviled eggs are okay but I don't like egg salad either. I think it is the texture - and also, with deviled eggs you get a hit of the yolk flavour where in egg salad, it is subdued.

    I would most certainly remember not getting any carrot cake. I'd be pissed. I'd be asking whoever made it to make another NOW.

    I had very short labours but I missed dinner with the second and I was really quite miffed that the hospital didn't have some way to feed women who'd just had babies.

    Anyone who thinks they can sum up how a relationship works in one sentence is a fucking idiot. Everyone is different. Every relationship is different.

  5. Deviled eggs are totally different from egg salad, my Sweetie will tell you that as he scarfs down the former and shuns the latter. Totally different.

    Las Vegas Showgirl Style is probably a good one; women who are relaxed and willing to just grab a drape (or not) and feed the kid with no hesitation anywhere tend to make the best nursers. My OB/GYN, who was a family friend, told us that when i did just that at the dinner table when he was over for a meal.

    Anyway, probably the best way to go is as "Banjo Barney" McKenna, of The Dubliners, did the other day. He was sipping tea at his breakfast table talking to a good friend, and just quietly put his head down and was gone. Peaceful.

    Enjoy Babies R Them.

  6. Honey, I know why Mr Moon loves you. I love you and I've never eaten at your table or met Owen.

    You just bring us all in to your total catastrophe, without reservation. And that's a rare and fine thing.

    XXXX Beth

  7. PS. I fear egg shells in egg salad.

    And by the way, no fair leaving no cake for the newly delivered mom (you). Shame on them!

  8. If a person would be just as happy to not be in a relationship, what's the point of being in one???

  9. oh I want to eat deviled now I hope you're printing these posts out andkeeping them they would make an excellent book for all those little moonbeams to come in the far off fututre ...... iate way too many hotcross buns and chocolate this weeken.... happy eater!!!

  10. The only thing better than an egg salad sandwich would be a deviled egg sandwich, just 6 deviled eggs lined up on a soft roll.
    And yes, if I die, I want it to be frightening to kids. My last words in the aisle at Publix would be, "don' tastes like...." and then just go down without answering.

    My boat ran out of gas 8 miles out last week, with a hold full of fish, and only a few beers left. The seas picked up and it got rough. But, we have TowBoat and the old CopperBelly comes out and all was ok but our pride. Cell phones work many miles out and the radio goes even further-no worries. Yes, we need to fix the fuel gauge.

  11. Loving yourself in order to be happy is about the same advice as no bribing in parenting and taking your troubles as they come because God never gives you what you can't handle.


    I love a curmudgeon more than a happy person, any day.

    I love deviled eggs and am neutral on egg salad. I hate Miracle Whip, though. Sorry.

  12. Mary, you have outdone yourself.....
    "I don't know.
    One of those mornings where I know nothing and it is made blatantly obvious to me over, and over, and over again and on my deathbed I'll say, "I know nothing and I never fucking did," and then I'll die. Done. And everyone will say, "Jeez. What a waste! All those years and she knew nothing."

    That is so brilliant and so funny I am still laughing.

    And I am the weird one who loves both egg salad and deviled eggs.
    And I love you too, Mary.

  13. Ellen Abbott- One of those things that makes no sense but there you go.

    Kristin- Some people throw up with labor and some do not. I was always one who did. I think that probably everyone thought that I'd already had some cake. Either that or they just didn't care. Ha! The person who posted that on FB that I know is actually in a very long-time relationship so I don't know what's up with that. I hope you get rain. I know how that feels.

    Photocat- My food looks like it should be eaten and not admired. I have neither the desire nor knack to make it look different.

    Jeannie- Well, that's another good thing about having babies at home if possible- there is usually something to eat afterwards. I remember when Lily had Owen and we had to go out and get sandwiches and they NEVER DID FEED JASON even though they were all together in the "family" unit. What the fuck?

    messymimi- Now THAT is the way to go. I'd like that.
    I believe that Las Vegas Showgirl nursers don't bother with any drapes. "Here's my tit. Get over it." I love that!

    Beth Coyote- Well, Mr. Moon does have to put up with a level of insanity which he would not, had he married a less complicated person than me and god bless him for doing it. But thanks. I mean it!
    Yeah, eggshells in egg salad really do suck.
    Crunch? Ah no.

    Stephanie- You nailed it.

    Young at heart- I don't print out anything. I guess I just suppose that my kids will read 'em now and that's good enough.

    Magnum- Well, I was wondering how your fishing expedition went. Thank goodness for TowBoat which Mr. Moon has used before. It is hurtful to your pride to be towed in. I know it is. I'm glad y'all were okay. I really am. Also- that sounds like a great sandwich to me.

    Elizabeth- I like Miracle Whip because it is sweet. Not on roast beef, though. You're right about the loving yourself thing. I mean seriously- what a bunch of crap! Yep. Right up there with parenting advice like no bribing and God only gives you what you can handle.

    Lo- Well, you are a sensible woman and therefore you like both deviled eggs AND egg salad. I'm glad you liked the post. I really am. You are such a love.

  14. Ms. Moon, at they end of your life people will day "she loved". Is there anything more important?

    Here is a good sound bible verse for you. (Paraphrased by Barbara!)

    "I may be able to speak the all languages of human beings but if I have no love, my speech is no more than a noisy gong. I may have all knowledge and understand all secrets but if I have no love, I am nothing. I may give away everything I have but if I have no love, this does me no good."

    The older I get the less I know but they more I know that love is all we really ever need to know. You have it in spades. xo

  15. Well Ms. Moon,

    I want to go making LOVE I want a big ass smile on my face.I like both kind of eggs.

  16. I like my egg salad but no other! I add extra egg yolks so you can taste them, and there are paprika and cumin in mine. My deviled eggs are piped, but I use the end of a plastic Zip-lock bag for the piping, so I am not elegant, either.

    "Like Yoda if Yoda breast fed" has cracked me up for about 5 minutes. Great comparison!

    I used to like myself as much as I could because Harvey was nuts about me, and he was a smart guy. I hope I never meet the person who said that you must like yourself with or without that person. Heartbreak has NOTHING to do with self-esteem, which is overrated in the extreme.

    I love your writing, and someday I will do some of my own blog posting.

  17. Birdie- Oh. I know you are right but sometimes it would be comforting to think I knew any damn thing for sure.

    Anonymous- Well, I hear people say that but damn! talk about traumatizing someone! The person you were making love with would probably never quite get over it, don't you think?

    Pamela- I usually use paprika too but not the cumin. Lily didn't have any paprika and I didn't put any in the egg salad, either.
    I know that you know exactly what you're talking about and the post I just put up above this one is one that I was thinking of you as I wrote. I was thinking of you and how people's hearts can break and break and break and the breaking never seems to end and where in hell IS self-esteem there?
    Face Book wisdom. Fuck it.

  18. I would not be happy without my wife. In fact, I would be at a loss. I do think that there are those who don't know what it is like to be with someone for so many years.

  19. i love to read about people who love each other, mary. i'm glad you have your mr. moon.


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