Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Life Is Messy

Okay. Time to go back to Mexico.
Yep. The medification of those waters has finally bled itself out and I need to renew my prescription.

If it were only that simple.

Well, it's not, is it?

Last night, when I was trying to figure out whether or not to call the Coast Guard, I started aimlessly going through the Cozumel My Cozumel message board in hopes of stray pictures of anything soothing.
It helped.
Especially pictures like this:

That's actually the beach at Tulum, which is across the water from Cozumel but hey- same ocean, same blue, same palms, same peace.
(Thanks, Steve!)

Oh, what the hell am I bitching about? I've got roses in bloom and I've got baby chickens and I've got a hen on the nest who may or may not be hatching some more babies.

That's Miss Flopsy. She's been on the nest for days. I assume there are eggs under her. I am not about to stick my hand under her body to check, though. I've never yet had a hen hatch me out any eggs so this would be a new and lovely experience.
The babies we hatched in the incubator are getting big and it's time to put them outside in a protected situation so they can scratch in the dirt. Mr. Moon built them a cage thing the other day but he's not quite finished with it and it's too damn big for me to move. I had envisioned something smallish- there are only five babies- but you know Mr. Moon. He found some building materials and went for it and he's offered to put it on wheels for me because yes, it's that big.
But he's in Orlando today. He got up at four and made that drive. He got there safely. Now all he has to do is endure the chaos of the auto auction, hopefully purchase a car and then drive back home. Four hours of road between here and there. For him, anyway.
He'll be fine. He'll get home sunburned and exhausted, but he'll be fine.

So I've got roses and I've got baby chickens and I've got two grandsons up the road if I can't live without some of that sort of love. I've got everything. Every thing.

So why am I going through old pictures and seeping tears? Why is the portal between here and there dissolving quietly in my mind?

I'm such a wimp. I am such a whiner. I am such a crazy person some days.

Well. Another thing I have is a walk before me through the woods and down the road and under the trees and beside the horse farm and the sky is very blue and I need to get my feet back under me here, where I actually am, and weed and hoe and clean and wash and tidy and sweep and pull up my big girl panties and cowboy up, Cupcake, and quit looking at pictures and just get on with it.

I wish I knew exactly what was making me feel this way, giving me this yearning, longing, sadness.

Well. It's all always inside of us. Every bit. The joy and the terror and the fear and the contentment and the memories of every thing that created those feelings originally, even if we don't have the visual images to call up, either in our minds or with the photographs. It's all still there and sometimes the boxes holding it all just get bumped and the insides tumble out and there you go- a mess to go through and clean up and we do and I will and Elvis crows I am here, I am here! and Miss Flopsy sits on the nest and the roses open and the magnolias down the road are putting their white blossoms out for display in the sunlight but somewhere, some where south of here over the water and over Cuba there is an island...

Oh god. I'm just a mess today. That's all there is to it.


  1. You just explained exactly what I was feeling this morning walking out in the early morning and seeing something in the sky that made me long for somewhere else. You said it exactly right, thank you. xo

  2. Me too, stuck in the past, feeling something that doesn't have a name.

    Your picture helped.

    You are not alone in your messiness, trust me on that.

    Let's just hope it passes, sooner rather than later.

    Very excited about your chickens, by the way. Living vicariously, as usual.

  3. I'm feeling it too, today. I love you. I saw a chicken coop for sale in the Williams-Sonoma catalog. I don't know how much it cost. Probably a billion dollars. Were I rich I'd send it to you and Mr. Moon could put wheels on it.

    WV: r-tilt hahahhaaa

  4. deirdre- It makes me feel ungrateful and crazy to long and yearn for someplace else when I am in heaven already. Why do we do this? I don't know exactly and I'll be damned if I think there's a reason for everything.

    Mel- I am happy for one and all to live vicariously whether in the sweet stuff or the sticky stuff. It is all part of it, isn't it?

    Madame King- I just went to your place to see if you had added anything or subtracted anything as you do sometimes but you had not so I am glad to see you here. You are so sweet. I think I have all the chicken coop I need and it is firmly stuck into the ground with wire doing deep so the critters can't get in underneath. That's the way Mr. Moon builds. But yes, he's going to have to put wheels on that baby coop because I can't lift it and it even has hinged screens on top to protect the babies from sky-predators, of which there are many.
    I'm sorry you are feeling this way too as it is not a particularly great feeling.

  5. It's okay to feel like a mess sometimes.

    One person i knew used to set a timer, let herself wallow until it went off, then got up and did something. She said it worked.

  6. I call it original sadness. It's just there, under everything. It's my familiar. Sometimes, I think I'm carrying all the sadness and suicide for the whole family. A burden but I've got big shoulders.

    XOXOXOX to you dearheart

  7. I love how you said, "It's all still there and sometimes the boxes holding it all just get bumped and the insides tumble out and there you go- a mess to go through and clean up and we do and I will..." Those words describe so perfectly just how it is. Just gotta clean up and move on. Words to live by. Thanks Ms. Moon. :)

  8. I think that I am triggered into a feeling of loss when someone around me is sick or if I worry about them. I begin to feel that I am going to lose someone dear and near to me. That feeling of loss comes more and more as I get older because I have lost a fair number of people that I loved. Maybe the worry over Mr. Moon made you think about loss. I am glad that he will be coming home and you can see that he is okay.

  9. Yes, it's that simple. Time to GO BACK!


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