Monday, August 8, 2011

This Is How I Feel

Oh god, morning, morning, always comes morning and the two sweeties are already off to town and I may go in and meet up with them and their siblings and Owen for lunch. I do not know.
I don't know anything for sure except that it is so humid. The air is like a sauna and that is not an exaggeration, merely the truth as last night's rain steams up from ground, from trees, from every living thing exhaling hot, wet breath.

I hate that stupid heat index. Why did we start doing that? "Temperature, 85.4 degrees. Feels like 101."
No. It does not feel like 101. 101 feels much worse than 85.4. It all feels like hell. It will feel even worse this afternoon when it is 97.
It all started with that damn wind chill factor. Yes, it is 20 degrees below zero but with the wind chill factor, it feels like 40 below.

We humans just have to justify our damn technologies, don't we? What a bunch of horseshit. Don't tell me what it feels like. That is the only thing I truly have left to myself- what I FEEL like, whether it be in the area of emotions or temperature. If there is one thing that Mr. Moon should know about me after twenty-eight years of living with me is that he should not tell me how I should or should not FEEL.
Mostly he remembers.
Sometimes he does not. Woe unto him when he forgets.
Poor man. Poor, patient, man.

This morning I feel like that sponge, filled up and overflowing. How does one wring oneself out in order to absorb more?
I do not know.

Okay. I want to talk about Annie Proulx for a second. I am reading her memoir, Bird Cloud wherein she talks about building a house for herself in Wyoming. I am just open-mouthed as I read. Talk about feelings. Boy-oh-boy. She FELT as if she MUST build this house in the most isolated, impossible to access place on earth where the winds reach upwards to hurricane force strength, where the water is alkaline, where the snow blocks the roads seven months of the year, where...
Okay. It was really beautiful. And I love reading her writing, of course, but still. My god! She must have made some decent coin on Brokeback Mountain, is all I can say.
The house itself, even if built someplace where access was possible all year around would have been a completely daunting proposition. From the Japanese wooden soak tub to the solar panels to the concrete floors to the granite counters to the shelves for thousands and thousands of books to the huge windows to the reverse-osmosis system to make the water fit to drink to the wind-and-snow proofing to the...
You get my point.
It took her YEARS and millions to build this house of her imaginings and now it is up for sale.
And I wonder- what is it in humans that creates in us such needs that we must put ourselves, our health, our finances in such jeopardy? Not only herself, but also the loyal builders who tried in such impossible circumstances to make her dream a reality?

I do not know.

Wonder what the wind-chill and heat-index factors are like there?
I think it could probably be summed up with this: FEELS LIKE I CAN'T LIVE HERE.

But bless her for trying. Bless all of us humans for having feelings and dreams and trying to figure out how to make them work. Bless us for taking leaps blindly off cliffs. Bless us for only hearing "why not?" instead of just "why?"
And sometimes, bless us for having the fucking sense to know that feelings are just feelings and that dreams, no matter what they tell us, cannot always be realized.
"Reach for the stars."
Well, fine. Reach all you want, you ain't gonna get one and if you did, what the hell would you do with it?

I am not saying we should all just be resigned to whatever horrible or difficult situation we may find ourselves in. I am just saying that being happy with less can be a blessing in and of itself. I don't know if I'm just a fat lazy-ass or whether I am wise but I do know that I am blessed to be a person who is content (mostly, mostly) with such a simple life. It feels plenty complex to me, believe me. And when I can hear music fill my hallway and when I reach in to the nest and find an egg or two and when I see my grandson love this house so much that he never wants to leave, I feel completely grateful.

That's all I have to say right now.

Happy Monday, y'all.
How do YOU feel?


  1. a little sad and nostalgic but I know not what for.

  2. I've been thinking similar thoughts lately... that things are as they are meant to be, but that that can't be true for people in dangerous or abusive situations.

  3. Ms. Planting- I know exactly what you mean. I often feel that way. Sad and nostalgic. I think it is the passing of time which happens so quickly these days. For me, anyway.

    Stephanie- I am not a big "meant to be" person but I am a firm believer in trying to find all that is good within reason in one's situation.

  4. Weird. I'm in LA this week. These are...not my people.

  5. I had too much breakfast. Already. I would perish in that heat. I am built for rain and storms and 60 degrees being a perfectly beautiful day.

  6. I hate having to be in air conditioning and going from the house to the air conditioned car. But it is so hot that work outside is pointless. I can only wonder what those who wrote to me this winter taunting about "so here's your global warming" have to say now. And even this isn't about climate change--that is for the long term, not just a hot summer. Yet, they remain remain mute in their own ignorance. Sorry--a mini rant on a hot day. I would like to be on that high mountain in Wyoming today.

  7. My sister in law lived in Wyoming (she is now in El Paso) and I hated it. It was beautiful beyond words but it was so friggin cold and windy. The wind would drive me nuts if I would have to live there. But beautiful, yes... Unbelievably beautiful. Cheyenne has a place in my heart. The wind messes it up...
    And often we do not have a choice about where we live... I am in England and would like to be in New Mexico, I guess we have to get over it and enjoy the place we are in on the moment or in the moment.

  8. I love this! I always wondered about what the damn heat index's purpose really was...? Make us feel worse? Or simply justified in our complaining? Whatever!

    Today is Harley's first day of summer camp! Whoot! Stop by for a coffee if you want. I'm taking the day off!

  9. I woke up with a racing mind; making plans and feeling anxious. I feel exhausted and haven't even made it to work yet. It's gonna be a LONG day!

  10. Ms. Moon, there was a hilarious review of that book in the New York Times that called it "house porn."

    I feel a little less inclined to like her because I know lots of unbelievably rich people who try to set up shop in Wyoming, Montana, or the Dakotas and they generally mess things up for the people who live there and aren't rich. But I guess rich people have to live somewhere and I'm glad they think that the part of the world where I grew up and lived until I was 29 years old is beautiful. Because it is.

  11. Today I feel exactly the same way you do and for the same reasons. Contentment for a change is a relief. I'm enjoying it while it lasts. :-)

  12. I feel wet from our crazy monsoon summer rain, exhausted by my horrid Monday at work and delighted by the music made in your previous's like you're living in a movie!!

  13. Oh, I don't know; not sure if I'm feeling much right now, as if the cow crapped in my ice cream but missed a corner of the dish and I can still get a couple spoonfuls out.

    weird, huh?

  14. I feel just fine, Mrs. Moon--after reading your post. All this wanting is so crazy.
    Flowers are blooming, birds are singing, and my computer works, and I have lots to read. And leftover Chinese food in the fridge. Yay!
    Wishing you a cool breeze and a cold beer.

  15. 1o feet tall and bulletproof, and humble and grateful of course.

  16. SJ- That's why they live in LA. No, Elizabeth is our people and she lives there. Well, rub up against some movie stars, get some glitter on ya.

    Madame King- I would perish where you live. But I might perish here, too. Odds are, in fact, I will eventually.

    Syd- I know exactly what you are saying. EXACTLY! But as to that mountain- it gets in the upper nineties there so it's not exactly heaven in the summer, either.
    It's like some planet with no atmosphere.

    Photocat- Yep. Enjoy it when we can and appreciate it for what it is and visit the places we love too. If we can.

    Ms. Fleur- Hope your day was perfectly peaceful and fabulous.

    Mel's Way- Same here, baby.

    Anna- I had to go and look up that review. I have to say I agree with it.

    Joy- I don't know if I'm so much content as just not unhappy to be here. Is there a difference?

    Young At Heart- I think we are all living in movies. Sometimes they are horror movies, sometimes love movies, sometimes just plain old comedies.

    Mungam- I believe you summed it all up pretty well.

    rebecca- I like quiet. Usually. If it's the good kind. I hope yours is.

    Denise- That is all just about as good enough to be happy as it can get!

    Juancho- And I would expect no less from you. I am seriously glad that you have achieved all that you have in the last year. Amazing.

  17. I feel immense gratitude that I have a friend such as you, who writes a beautiful blog that reminds me about a book I have been dying to read (I love me some Annie Proulx) and also in the previous post let me hear the sweetest music made by two precious people I love. Gratitude, that's what I'm feeling all right. But when I leave the office to go home in a few minutes, I'll be feeling that prickly heat/stifled in wet velvet humidity/what the fuck? kind fo feeling.

    Oh....and I am also feeling a big wave of love for Mary Moon. And a little bit of that unspecified nostalgia/sadness.....

  18. This is so wise:
    Being happy with less can be a blessing in and of itself.


    I remember Kurt Vonnegut and Joe Heller were at a party in this great mansion that this successful entrepreneur built, and Kurt was marveling over the size of the house and the money involved, and Joe Heller said to Kurt, "I have something this guy will never have. I know when I have enough."

    I thought that was extraordinarily WISE, too.

  19. I've found that only when I'm happy with what I already have, do I truly have peace of mind.


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.