Monday, August 8, 2011

The chickens are out in the garden in weeds so deep and thick I am amazed they can get around. I only know they're there because Elvis's head sticks up and occasionally he crows.
It's not even that hot this evening. Nothing in this world is preventing me from going out there and tackling some of those weeds. It's at the point where we should do a controlled burn if you want to know the truth. But do I go out there and do anything about it?

Oh hell no.

I keep wondering if maybe I should give up gluten or something. Would that give me more energy? Maybe. I keep reading these things wherein people talk about their diets and how much energy they have now since giving up everything but sprouts and whey or maybe since they started exercising or maybe they...oh hell. I don't know.
I think what that says more than anything is that all of us are tired and looking for more energy. God knows you can't see a picture of a celebrity in which a Starbucks cup the size of the Sears Tower isn't being clutched by bony fingers at the end of a deeply veined and muscled arm, be that arm male or female. It appears to me that STARS use coffee to find that extra energy but of course they always claim it's some diet/and/or exercise regime. Show me a celebrity mom with four (or sixteen- hey Angelina!) kids and a full-on career and I'll show you a human being who is thinner than the stick on a cheap lolly-pop with eyes the size of bowling balls. And nannies. Lots of nannies. And personal trainers and chefs.

Okay. I need to stop with the similes. I know. I'm sorry.

I just realized today that I view everything through the lenses of me. I'm not sure how else I'd view them but still- as I have said before and I will no doubt say again- I am constantly thinking of what Anne Lamott said about feeling as if she were the piece of shit which the world revolves around. If you don't get that quote, you are not like me. You probably don't LIKE me, either, but that's neither here nor there.
For instance- Diana Nyad is, right this second, at the age of sixty-one! swimming from Cuba to Key West. In the ocean. Without a shark cage. With her own body. And on the one hand, I am cheering her on like crazy! YOU GO, Diana!
And on the other hand I'm like, Oh fuck. Another bar set in stone by someone older than me.

Annie Proulx's book? Hell, yah, woman! You build your dream house! You deserve it! And also...God, if I wasn't such a fucking waste-case I, too, would have books published and made into awesome movies and made a shit ton of money and been able to build a crazy-ass dream house and then written a book about it all!

But no, not me. I just sit here and do the bare minimum of human activity and not getting paid for it. I was in the Costco the other day and I was looking at the books/eavesdropping and I heard this woman talking about all the different sorts of retirement and social security she is getting and her shopping cart was filled with wine. Okay, mine was filled with beer. I am not casting judgment. I was just truly realizing how very little my life's work has added up to. At least in the monetary sense. My social security earnings would not keep a cat alive. I have no retirement fund beyond what Mr. Moon has purchased for me. But have I ever gone out and hustled my ass into a job? Oh sure, but never one that paid enough for Mr. Moon's eyelids to flicker with interest.

What am I saying here? I HAVE NO IDEA! I am a fat, lazy-ass as I said this morning, who is privileged enough to do things she loves out of love and who can't even get her fat lazy-ass out to weed the garden and who has no retirement funds and who wishes she had more energy and so maybe she needs to eliminate gluten from her diet and who views everything in this world as to how it relates to her.

I guess. I'm sort of confused too.

But I will say this- I am NOT the sort of woman who was in front of me in the line at Publix today in the Ten Items or Fewer line with fifteen items! No. I am not. If I have eleven items, I will not go through that line. I may have problems with energy and laziness and huge ego-ness but I do NOT do that.

I have my standards.

I wanted to smack that woman so bad. Especially since she kept looking at me apologetically and then casting her eyes towards the woman who was doing the check-out who is about eighty-years old and therefore sort of slow as if the hold-up were that woman's fault.
I just glared at her.
I may be a lot of things but I do not consider myself to be above the rules at the Publix check-out.

Does that mean that I don't entirely suck?

I sure hope so.

Well, that's all I got tonight. And it's for free and why anyone on this earth would care I do not know except that I think most of us probably feel this way, at least from time to time. That we don't have enough energy to do the things we should do and that all of the things we actually DO do don't mean shit.

Which leads me to my hero of the day, another man I have quoted here before: Mr. Natural.

Thank-you, R. Crumb, for summing it all up so nicely.

I will now go shake-n-bake some chicken.

Gluten will be involved.


  1. Christ. Beating yourself up much?

    Please be nice to Ms. Mary Moon. I like her.

  2. So, I had this aha moment recently where I realized that the reason every single person on the planet feels that they are the center of the universe is because... they are! If infinity is defined as going from any single point in space/time and continuing on in all directions for ever and ever, or some such thing, that would make every single thing the center of the their universe.

    So there you go, you really are the center of YOUR universe!

  3. OK,
    a) who says there's coffee in those Starbucks cups...?

    b) Can not read the "Mr. Natural" card - print too small.

    c) I LOVE LOVE LOVE ! you ! ! ! ! ! Who could not LOVE you??!! I have been reading you for about a month now, and you are the only person in the last 20 YEARS that I have found who unfailingly tells the TRUTH. Seriously, you are my Guru, and you can beat your self up (although I don't really see it that way) or pat yourself on the head - I don't care. Because all that comes out of your mouth is LOVE. Under, over and woven around all your words is the sweetest most human LOVE I've ever seen.
    I wish your were my mother, my sister, my best bud. In 20 years filled with the most miserable and hopeless pain, you have managed to turn on a light that I had almost, almost lost hope in.

    God, you are beautiful, you are sooooooooo beautiful. I can only hope that I can get to that kind of truth in my life too.

    Kisses and blessings to you and so many thanks for being here on this earth and sharing yourself. You make such a big difference, you will never know.

  4. yep, what liv said. I love the look on your face. And your last post has cost me almost the whole entire day reading and thinking and tripping down memory lane. Thanks, really.
    I'm not sleeping worth shit lately and I'm so tired and sore I can't get out of my way. I try to set low expectations so I don't get too disappointed with myself lately.
    Anyway, I love you too. And your blog. And that smirk on your face. I bet I love Mr. Natural too, if I could only read those tiny words!

  5. Alright, I had to reread, and maybe you're not beating yourself up. Maybe you are. I don't know dick.

    Anyway we are all each the center of the universe insofar as we perceive the world through our own experiences and senses and how else could we? Those are the tools we have.

  6. X-Ray Iris- Me too.

    Stephanie- We all do it. You know we do. I wish we didn't.

    Ms. Fleur- What else can we be?

    liv- Oh honey! Thank-you for coming by and thank-you for commenting. All right. Mr. Natural picture: "Mr. Nature- what does it all mean?" Mr. Natural: "Don't mean sheeit."
    Come back and be welcome. We are a lovely community here.

  7. A few days ago, Hank wanted me to go to the 10 items or less lane with 14 items.

    I totally just tattled on him!

  8. Those skinny-ass celebrities that you see photos of in magazines are even skinnier in real life. I know 'cause I've seen plenty of them out there in LA. And my husband "cooks" for them all the time, too, and he could attest to the fact that they actually don't eat.

    Please throw an extra breast into the shake and bake bag for me and pour me a drink. I'm into anything with lime juice -- beer, vodka, gin, etc. I'll come over and look at the weeds with you.

  9. i like shake-n-bake.

    this is random but i forgot to post it last week- we went to the bookstore because they were having a sale and i saw the (gag) pioneer woman's book and i thought to myself, 'how can people read this shizzzzz?....because they didn't read ms. moon first!!!!'

    our tomatoes are coming in. i'm making a tomato pie from your recipe. so you may not have a dream retirement but you have inspired us to garden and to till and enjoy the fruits of our labor.

    be well! in michigan everything depends on how the weather actually feels.


  10. Mel- See above.

    Anna- What? I will beat him.

    Elizabeth- Gladly, baby. And if your husband cooked for me, I would eat every morsel and I would be grateful. Tell him I said that, too.

    Mrs. A- Ms. Pioneer Woman seems to be everywhere I look. Jesus. I need to start taking more pictures of my husband's ass. Love you, baby.

  11. Aw, to hell with Annie Proulx and Angelina Jolie and people who don't eat the food that is cooked for them and who actually go out and weed their weeds. My BFF in grad school (MFA) was 67, Eleanor Taylor Ross didn't publish until her late 50s or 60s and spent the bulk of her life cooking and keeping house for her professor husband--and you? YOU are writing what I've needed to hear for ages, the recognition that a life like this, ordinary and extraordinary, luminous and corporeal, shot through with anxiety and those mofos in the 10 or fewer line (I.HATE.THEM.TOO.)and grace: that this life matters. I firmly, firmly believe that you (and lots of your very very wonderful followers too) are doing very important work, writing about this normal, human, female life.

  12. Ha Ha Ha! I love Mr. Natural - thanks for the subtitles! XXOO

  13. I love you Mama. So much. Just looking around the table today at all that love and all that beauty and all that pure joy at us just being together made me so happy and so proud. That is something you have done. Not all that you have done, but that is really something.

  14. You are surely riled up this evening: lazy ass, slapping people in the check out line, gluten free??? Sounds like a license to chill.
    But if you start talking tea party and the credit rating and other stuff, then I might get riled up too.

  15. Shake and Bake and R. Crumb??!? I just love you more and more each day.

    It's good to let it all out in writing, isn't it? Metaphysical cleansing, just shake and bake it all out, lady.

  16. I thought it couldn't get better than reading you and then I read your readers' comments and I'm shaking my head, yes, yes, yes, laughing at them and gulping and feeling the connection and joy.

    Great pic of you, made me smile back.

    I get what you're saying and feeling, but work shmirk, you have done and are doing the most important work of all, and you realized don't you that you are not lazy, you are one of the hardest working women I know, and between feeding your family, your pets, laundry, weeding, growing things, tending, nurturing, etc etc etc... you make time EVERY SINGLE DAY to write (and to support other writers). You are a writer extraordinaire. Dedicated and hard working and true.

  17. We are women and that's what we do...constantly criticize and beat ourselves up for our supposed shortcomings while never acknowledging our strengths.

    I bet that woman who swam from Key West to Cuba climbed up on that beach afterward and said, "I think I could have made better time."

  18. Why do we have to judge ourselves by how much we get accomplished for the damn day? Can't we rather judge ourselves by how much we enjoy the day? Thoreau would have said there was far more merit in that than in joining the damn rat race. Okay?

    And also, I'm sorry, I know it's not the consensus, but I think Key West swimming lady is a damn idiot. Without a shark cage? What? MAJOR DUMB ASS. And that bitch is old enough to know better.

    I love you, Mary Moon.

  19. Being lazy and fairly useless myself, I can't address those concerns...but GLUTEN! I have drunk the kool-aid. Six months gluten free and the antibodies my body inexplicably produced which murdered my thyroid are no longer detectable in my body. It's the only thing I changed. I'll be on thyroid hormone replacement pills for life because gluten-free does not regrow bits of your insides. But my body has stopped needlessly attacking that already kaput part of itself. Granted it is a terrible sacrifice for someone who loves food (good homemade bread, gah!) but maybe experiment with a month or so? Again, I'm on the kool-aid so I tell everybody that their problems can be fixed this way. You say "Oh no! I have a flat tire!" and I say "OMG DUDE STOP EATING GLUTEN IT IS POISONZZZZ!"

  20. Hey Ms. Moon,
    I have returned from the bush. I have missed you. And apparently your 69 posts! I find it oddly appropriate that that number could make me giggle inappropriately. Not that it does, but it could.
    Not sure what I'm meaning to say other than glad to be visiting, and I will be reading the other 67 posts asap.
    I have been thinking many similar thoughts to the ones you describe. About the published authors etc. I'll write about it when I feel brave enough. I'm hoping tomorrow.
    Big kiss to you

  21. Sara- You have given me hope and you have given me more than that. Thank-you. So many thank-yous.

    Mel- Mr. Natural is one of my heroes.

    May- Every time I even THINK about what you said, I cry again. I know. I know. Oh, my heart.
    I love you so many infinite infinites.

    Syd- I'll come up with something soon you can get riled up about. I promise.

    silverfinofhope- I am a woman of many interests. Haha!

    Bethany- One part of me agrees and one part of me thinks I am just a fat lazy-ass. Sigh. I am working at it though, trying to not think that way. I love you, baby.

    Mel's Way- I wish she could have. She had to abandon the swim but dammit, she sure gave a great shot- twenty-nine hours of swimming. Jesus.

    Ms. Bastard-Beloved- You make every day of my life better. Do you know that?

    Saja- Really? You're funny. Flat-tire/gluten poisoning. Okay. I'll give it grave consideration. But, wait...doesn't beer have gluten? Forget it. Sorry.

    Mwa- I am too prolific. Don't even try to read all that mess. I love you! I've missed you!

  22. I am becoming rather fond of you. I end my days here. Right after I check on Radish.

  23. Aw, Ms. Moon. There isn't a thing I'd change about you, other than that you'd be a published author who makes a gazillion dollars. Because you deserve it. Your writing is beautiful and hilarious and fresh.


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