Thursday, February 17, 2011

Fantasy Land

What Anthony Bourdain would look like holding my rooster, Elvis, except that Elvis is a much better-looking rooster.

My boyfriend was in Tallahassee last night. He may be there still, waking up and drinking coffee and planning his day. I wouldn't know. The son-of-a-bitch never calls.

My boyfriend is Anthony Bourdain, in case you don't know. He, not unlike my husband, is tall and lanky, but completely UNLIKE my husband, he is famous and cooks. Or, can cook. He also has a TV show and travels all over the world and used to be a junky and sometimes he's even on Top Chef as a judge.
What is it about me and former junkies?

He was in Tallahassee last night to do a...lecture? Whatever. He was one of the people in this year's lecture series that FSU presents annually. I used to go to things like that.


There was even a rumor that he was going to drop in to the Mockingbird Cafe where my daughter works. He knows someone who knows someone who works there or something.
I advised my daughter that if he did, she should go back to his hotel with him and have wild sex.
That's the sort of mother I am.

"Oh, Mom," she said. "He's married."

That's the sort of daughter she is.

That's the good thing about fantasy boyfriends, though. You can say anything because you ain't gonna do anything. Part of the fantabulous glory of life, right?

A friend of mine had gotten a ticket to see him and a few weeks ago she offered it to me because she is a jewel, a love, a darling woman and she knows how much I love him.
I turned it down because Kathleen was supposedly getting chemo yesterday and besides that, I knew it was the only night this week that I wasn't going to be involved in Steel Magnolias and I knew I was going to be exhausted.

And of course it turned out that Kathleen did not get chemo and I spent my entire day cleaning my house and picking flowers (~tra-la-la-la~) and as I sat down last night to my delicious supper of leftover meatloaf and tiny boiled potatoes I turned on the TV and there was Anthony on Top Chef and I smiled at him and he snarked back at me and I was completely and utterly content with that, knowing that I had had the perfect day for me and that I had even washed my microfiber mop head and I hadn't worn a bra all day and that if he HAD called and asked himself out to my house for some of my delicious strawberry-rhubarb crisp I would have begged off.

Sorry, Anthony. Maybe next time you're in town, okay? If I'm not busy washing rugs and mop heads. And feel like changing out of my overalls.

Oh wait. He's a fantasy boyfriend. This means that he'd love me in my overalls, right?

Well. I actually have to go to Tallahassee today and maybe I'll run into Anthony at the library. That would be cool, right?

And I just talked to May who is on her way to work. I told her that if he comes in for lunch to tell him to call her mother, dammit.

I mean, I'm pretty busy today and have a performance tonight but maybe we could meet and pound a few shots of icy vodka. I'd wear my black velvet overalls for Anthony. He'd reach across the table and take my hand and look into my eyes and he'd say, "Hey babe. You and me."
And I'd say, "Sorry, dude. I'm married and my library books are overdue."
Then I'd do one more shot, stand up and kiss the top of his cute head and he'd sit there, watching my black-velvet covered butt as I twitched it on out of the place to get into my car with Owen's car seat in it, my thirty cloth grocery bags, my clip-on old lady sunglasses.

One perfect tear would form in his eye and he'd reach for the bottle and sigh.

Yes. That is exactly how it would be.


  1. Trust ME. A fantasy boyfriend is SO NOT A CHEF.

  2. I love your Dorothy-Homemaker-chef-fantasising morning, Mary. Tra la la la indeed!

  3. Elizabeth- I don't think he's a chef anymore so it's okay.

    DTG- Haha!

    Jo- One must keep one's mind busy.

  4. i am going to spend my entire weekend doing spring cleaning.

    or lying in bed crying. haven't quite decided.

    i always go for the bad boys too.


  5. Radish King- Well, the good thing is- it's up to you. And you could clean and cry at the same time. I have done that plenty of times.
    Bad boys, bad boys. Whatcha gonna do?

  6. I'm a card carrying member of the Clean and Cry club myself. Or what I like to call how I spent my first years of menopause. And yet, my house is a mess, but I'm no longer crying!
    I hope Anthony calls, just so you can hear him say your name - such a voice. Dream on, because why not?
    Good luck with the play.

  7. Thanks for the chuckle, I love reading other people's daydreams. Not so different from my own, minus the velvet overalls. :-)

  8. I loved this. I smiled so big the whole time I read it. I dig him, too. I'm posting a photo for you over at mine. It was my computer wallpaper for a long time.



  9. You've cheered up my day. What a wonderful post! And why aren't you on my blog list? I shall address that immediately xx

  10. Whew! That was a hot fantasy! Thanks for sharing ;)

  11. One of my co-workers went to see him and she showed me a napkin from the show reception with his autograph on it! She said he told people that he was only here for the day and was leaving a couple of hours after the show to go to New York and then to California. She said he was wonderful!

  12. Oh, Ms. Moon. This is the best thing I've read in ages. Anthony Bourdain is a sexy man, no lie.

  13. Darling, please beware of fantasy boyfriends. To my utter amazement, mine is now proposing marriage. THAT WASN'T THE FANTASY. But as my fantasy boyfriend, how could I refuse when he summoned me?

  14. Mmm oh yes.

    Cesar Millan, not my fantasy boyfriend at all just my guru, is coming to Antwerp, just fifteen minutes from here, and I really want Babes to buy me a ticket and take me there as a surprise. Only I'm not telling him. Off to text my sister so she can tell him to...

  15. Are you over Johnny Weismuller?
    X David

  16. Mel- He ain't gonna call. He's such a cad. Thanks on the play.

    Lora- To each our own.

    Ms. Bastard-Beloved- That picture made my day.

    Christina- Thank-you!

    notjustafemme- Yeah. Hot, hot, hot. Haha!

    Lois- So that's why he hasn't called.

    Amna- He is indeed.

    NOLA- Is this the guy with two wives?

    Mwa- Text, baby, text!

    David- NEVER! But it's harder to fantasize about him seeing as he's dead and all.

  17. I think that Mr. moon is way cooler.

  18. Oh you naughty lady! Hehehehe! Those fantasy boyfriends indeed are the ones we would seriously NOT want to just pop in us after all...

    Your comment to your daughter was hysterical....and hers...ditto.

  19. Oh I am with you on Anthony Bourdain!! I think it is really all the traveling he does that makes me so lustful though (sigh) :)


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