Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Bikini Bodies And Alien Governors

So okay, I admit. I check out the Entertainment portion of the Huffington Post daily.
I do.
I go to the home page first and go down the list of all the articles and basically don't read a one of them. Because I suck at world events. Plus, so many of those people in the articles are ugly. Like- ugly-because-they-suck-ugly. Republicans are criticizing Michelle Obama because she wants more mothers to breastfeed? I swear to god, if the Obamas came out in favor of washing your hands after wiping your ass, the Republicans would get in an uproar about it for some reason.
"You can't push your socialist Muslim beliefs on hygiene on THIS country!"

Another reason I don't read all the news is because it's depressing and I can't do a damn thing about it. I can't do anything about Egypt or Libya or the earthquake in New Zealand. But you know, I like to stay...vaguely informed. So I read the headlines. And then I click over to the entertainment section.

But I'm going to have to stop that. First off, I have no idea who most of the people are there. I realize now that at this point in my life, I am two generations away from Those Who Rule The Entertainment world. I get those actors confused all the time. I look at the "men" and if I swooned over them it would be some sort of punishable crime in most states. I'm old enough to be their mother's really old sister! (Or grandmother. Let's face it.)
And the Kardashians. You know what? Every other article is about some Kardashian and I know that I could spend ten minutes on Google and find out just who and what these Kardashians are but I just don't care. They seem to like to show their breasts. That's all I know about them. They must not be on Bravo.

Also, the Entertainment section seems to be obsessed with "Bikini Bodies." Some actress is always showing off her "bikini body" by wearing a bikini and frolicking in the water in some distant version of seaside paradise. None of them has an ounce of body fat. In fact, they have NEGATIVE body fat in that I can look at those pictures and can see their bodies eating away at their muscle that very second because they are starving and if there are no calories coming in and no stored fat, the body will eat itself. Some of them do have large breasts but for some reason, I suspect that they are purchased breasts because as a nurse and a woman I know that big breasts are mostly fat and there is no way on this earth that a woman who can't keep a bikini bottom up on her tiny-teeny nonexistent hips has miraculously managed to keep enough fat in her bosom region to fill out the bikini top. No. Not to fill it up, to overflow it and spread it across her chest in such a way as to make one think of entire universes of golden, globular globes.
Something ain't right there.

But whatever. It's my stupid fault for even going to those sites. Padma's Amazing Post-Baby-Bikini-Body.
Okay, look. Padma is a goddess.
Gwyneth's Bikini Body.
Gwyneth is a nut-job who exercises twenty-three hours a day and does regular "cleansing diets."
Demi's Amazing Bikini Body.

So last night I did spend an inordinate amount of time looking at pictures of Nicole Kidman. She swears she hasn't had "work" done but come on people- you can't change noses by thought process alone. And honey- eat a biscuit. With some ham in it. Please. She used to be so gorgeous, that woman. Now she looks like she should be in hospice care. Even her hair, which was so springy and full of life and amazing is thin and sad-looking. Her hair is too thin, people!

Well, obviously I don't really have shit to say today. I just thought I'd do a public service announcement here and point out the fact that we, as a culture, are far too obsessed with thinness but this is hardly earth-shaking news.

I'd also like to give you my favorite part of what I read today in our local paper, The Tallahassee Democrat. Our Alien Bizillionaire Criminal Governor

Do you see how the act of trying to smile is breaking his alien-face?

was touring the headquarters of the Department of Correction and had just given one of his "pep talks" and had opened the floor for questions. Here. I'll just quote the article:

The crowd burst into applause when veteran accounting supervisor Delphine Hill politely but firmly pointed out that state workers have not had a raise in six years and are now being threatened with increased health care costs and reduced benefits. "You said to hold you accountable," Hill said. "What have you required of the wealthiest Floridians to contribute to the state deficit?"
Scott has proposed slashing the state budget by $5 billion, trimming the state work force by 5% and showering corporations with $1.7 billion in tax breaks. The cuts would cost the DOC $82 million and nearly 1,700 positions, if the Legislature goes along with the spending recommendation this spring.
Scott was briefly flummoxed, but quickly regained his poise.
If state government is leaner and more efficient, entrepreneurs will come to Florida and create jobs, Scott said.

Hill said after the encounter that she wasn't satisfied with the Scott's response.
"I didn't hear an answer to my question," she said.

No, Delphine, you did not because he did not answer your question. He opened his mouth and bullshit fell out of it. Bullshit that makes no sense whatsoever and isn't even logical. The richest politicians have been trying to convince us of the "trickle-down" theory since Reagan was in office and it should rightly be called the "pissing-down" theory and it doesn't work.

Okay, okay.

I'm out of here. I've done my job. I've discussed politics, celebrity starvation and plastic surgery, and admitted my time-wasting ways.

I will point out that sometimes on the Entertainment page of the Huffington Post there is a picture of Johnny Depp which makes all that Kardashian shit worthwhile.

I must now go for a walk because I DO have more than an ounce of fat on me and instead of a bikini body I have an overalls body. Which is not a category on the Huffington Post. But then again, they don't talk much about chickens or grandchildren there either. Bless their hearts.

Bless yours too.

Love and kisses from Lloyd...Ms. Moon


  1. Women are so marginalized in this society. It is truly sickening. But I think in large part, we are doing it to ourselves. I just this morning read a post written by a man saying that men don't even like the stick figures of these famous women who work so damn hard to starve themselves. I believe it's true. So that means that these stupid women are starving themselves for other women? Don't do it for me, baby. That's all I can say.

  2. How can people have abbies and still havea stomach like that? And have time to be with thier babies? No wonder losing her baby weight is the hardest thing she's ever done, I can't contradict what effort that must have been.

    I don't know what Kardashians are either. I figure if it's important, I'll find out somehow. Or Danielle will tell me. Young lad with his finger on the pulse that he is.

  3. Oh bog you cracked me up. Good way to start the morning thank you.

  4. Your governor is truly scary! Like a nightmare boogeyman. It shows on his face, his evil alienness - even more than with most politicians. *Shudder.*

  5. I'm no Kardashian expert but I will say those ladies don't appear to miss as many meals as most of Hollywood.
    There's that.

  6. I know, from a very good source (and I mean a VERY GOOD SOURCE) that Nicole Kidman has had so much surgery that HBO recently visited her for a role to see whether she could take it on given the fact that her face doesn't move FREELY anymore.

    The whole thing is so weird.

    I'm so grateful for this post today, Ms. Moon. I'm in the dumps and just needed to read exactly this. I need to gossip and talk trash.

  7. The word verification was:


    How FANTASTIC is that?

  8. hahaha your comment on the alien cracked me up!!!

    as far as the women, i know it is possible to have babies and have a stomach like that, because i did, i had two and my stomach looked great, and it wasn't because i worked out constantly. i worked out four days a week an hour at a time and ate plenty of food but all healthy, and i was in my late twenties so it was possible.

    too skinny IS a problem, i fell prey to it in my teenage years, and Nicole Kidman- i know.

    i like the Kardashians- well, at least Kourtney. who i am familiar with, because i'm a closet fan of that show!!!

  9. damn girl.
    in the overalls.
    you give great post.

  10. Ha! I don't have a bikini body either. And I keep thinking I should go on a diet because I am brainwashed too, but then I like biscuits and pasta and chocolate and beer! Ah well. Self-hatred is a hobby like any other.

  11. Ms. Bastard-Beloved- Or for me, either. Jesus. Do we WANT to hate ourselves and each other that much?

    Jo- I wonder what her nannies look like.

    Ms. Radish King- Good. My job is done.

    Amna- Florida loves the ghoulish govs. We do. We must. We keep electing them.

    Lisa- I'm with you on that one.

    Elizabeth- As Claree would say, "Then come sit by me."
    And that might be the best verification word EVER!

    Maggie May- I am afraid to become involved with the Kardashians for fear that I will become obsessed.

    rebecca- Hey! I'm wearing men's cargo shorts now.

    Mwa- I know. Even we sensible, intelligent women fall prey to such crap.

  12. thank you for making me happy to be sturdy, corn-fed and the owner of a overalls bidy. someone needs to feed all of hollywood a damn sandwich, the kind my grandma made, with salami, mayo AND butter between the slices of meat and provolone.....

    be well and enjoy your walk.


  13. This post has so much good stuff. But I will comment on how brainwashed so many in America are by the right. People don't read and think for themselves. They just keep believing Fox News.

  14. Mrs. A- Really? My grandmother used to put butter and mustard on our ham sandwiches but no mayo. She wouldn't have known salami or provolone if they had slapped her in the face.

    Syd- I think the right was created to comfort people who don't want to think.

  15. Ms. Moon...
    I love it...an overalls body. How about a Carhart's body or a ski bib body? Now we got something here!
    I love you and your overalls body so there.

  16. I laughed so hard!!! I'm right there with you on every point! At least Gwenyth doesn't try to do the breasts insult. And I agree, Nicole was so much more beautiful before she didn't do anything.
    p.s. And here I thought our little governor from Illinois was the ONLY corrupt politician! (wink, wink)

  17. WHY have I not been here before? I have appreciated your comments on Maggie May's Flux Capacitor for so long and only today did I stumble on over.

    YOU are a lovely read. I shall be back.

    Oh, and our cultural obsession with thinness - don't even get me started! I echo all of your sentiments (and strangely can not fight my mild addiction to entertainment news!!)

    Oh, oh! Nicole Kidman: it really is a shame.

  18. This made me laugh so much--this was a Tuesday sermon. I have my conspiracy theories about Nicole. Oh and ditto on the face as well as the boobs--you don't get to be all thin and then have a plumped up face.
    --Michele R.
    P.S. I have a fleece pants and loose top body, but I swear I'd have a bikini body if I had other people cook and then have a trainer every day.

  19. At least the Kardashians have fat elsewhere on their bodies, not just on their breasts. But I agree, there's something truly weird about Nicole Kidman, lately. which is so sad because I really love her and was hoping she'd escape the craziness of plastic surgery.

  20. Hooray for Overalls Bodies!!! I say this while I'm waiting for my leftover angel biscuits to toast in the oven. With butter, of course.

    LOVED this post. Thank you.

  21. I miss you, MM...I hate this stopping in once in a blue moon crap, cuz then I realize how much I miss keeping up with you daily, and then I try to tell myself that I *WILL* make time, and then I don't make time. *SIGH* But I guess I do love coming back here and checking in, cuz I do so love you and what you have to say!


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.