Tuesday, August 25, 2015

If The Word "Fuck" Offends You, Don't Fucking Read This


That cracks me up. And frankly, it may well HAVE felt like 117 degrees today. I don't know. But it sure was hot. The whole time I was outside picking peas and cleaning the hen house, I kept thinking about the signs at a local gym/workout place advertising their new hot yoga classes, heated by green heaters! 
Are you fucking kidding me? Just open the damn doors and windows and shut off the AC. You won't get through three warrior poses without the toxins flowing out of your body like a river! You'll get stuck in child's pose because you won't be able to peel your body off that mat.
I guarandamntee ya.
Better yet- go outside and do your yoga! Yeah, baby. Now we're talking some HOT YOGA! That would be some REAL motherfucking hot yoga there.
Whatever. What do I know? Not one damn thing.
But I'm pretty sure that I'm toxin free now.

I've had the most beautiful day. It's been just what I needed. I did talk to Billy on the phone and that was wonderful. Also to Lis and we giggled like Betty Rubble and Wilma Flintstone. And to Lily. Lily and I can't seem to go a day without talking to each other.
We are like Gibson.
"I need you!"

Hey. Look what I found in the garden.


I found at least half a dozen real live watermelons of decent size. I'm shocked! Shocked, I tell you! I'm glad they're growing something besides vines. Those vines have swallowed the zinnias and most of the peas although I did pick enough to fill a nice sized bowl, once shelled. And I had a good time, sitting there on the couch in the air conditioning, watching "Real Time" with Bill Maher. Of course it was a rerun but I enjoyed it anyway. 
You know what I want to be in my next lifetime? 
No. Not a unicorn or a dolphin or even a princess. 
I want to be a comedian who gets paid to speak her mind using a buttload of profanity. 
Yep. That's what I want to be. 
Roseanne. St. George Carlin. St. Richard Pryor. 
Hey. Speaking of St. Richard- remember when Bill Cosby chastised him for all the profanity?

FUCK YOU, BILL COSBY!

I don't know why I love to curse so much. I certainly wasn't raised that way. My granny was so pure of mouth that she would spell D.A.R.N. when she was absolutely the most frustrated or upset. 
I remember being shocked (and somewhat thrilled) when my mother would say, "Hell's bells." 
Reading "Gone With The Wind" was completely liberating to me because sometimes they said, "Damn!" in it. 
And then I read Abbie Hoffman's "Steal This Book" which advocated that we all say the word "fuck" as often as possible because it was the one word absolutely guaranteed to shock and offend. 
I did know the word, having heard it from a boy named Lee Grant who was in my grade in elementary school. Lee's father was a fisherman and a bad drinker who would beat his wife on Friday nights and then she would chase him around the house with a knife so yeah, he had definitely heard the word. He also brought a condom to school. Not for official show-and-tell but for the real thing, out on the playground. 
Oh, Lee. Thanks for the memories. 

Anyway, I fell in love with that word. "Fuck." It's just so satisfying. The way you almost bite your lip with the beginning f, and end the word with that tongue-clicking ck, that dirty-sounding short-u in the middle of it all. 
You can say it slow and easy, too. 
Aw, fuuuuck. 
It's just the most useful, multi-purpose word I've ever run across. 
Fuck this.
Fuck that. 
Fuck me. 
Fuck you.
Fuckin' A! 
Fuck alla y'all. 
What the fuck?
Fuck YAH! 
Fuck NO!
Can you fucking believe this? 
No fucking way. 
Are you fucking kidding me?
Jesus Fucking Christ. 
That fucking sucks. 
Fucking awesome.
And so forth. 
Add the word "mother" to it and baby, you got a curse thing going! 

There is also, of course, the main definition. 
"Hey baby. Wanna fuck?"

It's noun, it's adjective, it's adverb, it's verb. It's probably some of those other grammar things I don't remember. 

I try to be judicious with my use of it. I don't say it around the boys. I don't say it around little old ladies. I don't say it around people whom I think would get the wrong I idea about me. I don't think I ever said it around my former yoga teacher who was extremely religious in the Catholic sense. 

And I never grow tired of it. I think Abbie Hoffman was right. It's The Bad Word. 
And I guess that The Bad Girl in me just loves to say it. 

All right. From the garden and watermelons and shelling peas and hot yoga to my favorite word. 
Which I would absolutely love to be paid for saying onstage. 

I'm going to go cook some fucking dinner. 
It's been a great fucking day. 

I fucking love you...Ms. Moon








29 comments:

  1. "Fuck" is my favorite word. Here's a beautiful youtube video about its versatility:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26UA578yQ5g

    ReplyDelete
  2. Amen sister. This was a fuckin' awesome post.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I fucking love you too! Boy did you bring back a fuckload of memories mentioning "Steal this Book". I think I was 17 when I read it. Bless Abbie Hoffman. Damn auto correct tried to make it "ducking", "truckload" and "Damon", pretty amusing.
    Barbara

    ReplyDelete
  4. Holy fuck, did you really fuckin' write this fuckin' post? I feel fuckin' better already!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Fuck-ton is my current favorite, used to describe something of which there is a lot.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ok, well I feel it would be a little predictable to talk about fucking watermelons at this stage, so I'll just say, what a nice surprise. I have two teeny courgettes growing form a seed my son planted in school and brought home on last day of - he thought it was an aubergine, but lo and behold, courgettes! Very exciting. But surprise melons would be way better, especially given the heat.

    Hot yoga would be like torture for me. I would pay not to have to do that.

    I love the thought of Wilma and Betty :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ain't No Shrinking Violet- Great little video! Thanks!

    Joanne- I'm so fucking glad you liked it!

    Barbara- Fuck autocorrect.

    Jono- Of course I fucking wrote it. Who the fuck else would I let write a post on my blog? Hello!

    Allison- Yep. That's a favorite of mine too.

    Sue Johnson- Oh fuck yes.

    Jo- Ah- surprises in gardening! I love it! What kind of fucking person WOULD pay for that? A masochist, maybe. Ugh.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I quit cursing when my older kid said shit at the top of his lungs all the way through our New Years Indian restaurant outing 20 years a-fucking-go and started again when my younger son yelled fuck at me when I dropped the wheelbarrow on his thumb. My mom is not happy 'bout it...Oh well. Fuck is my fave go to word and Jesus-fucking-Christ is my ultimate giving-birth-kind-of-pain word, I learned that when I gave birth.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mine too, long live fucking Christ

      Delete
  10. One night I walked into the kids' department of the store where I work, and seeing the huge mess I was about to have to clean (and thinking I was alone) I used my favorite expression of dismay: "Well, fuck me."

    Then of course I turned around to see an angel - faced little tyke standing behind me.

    Fuck me, indeed!

    ReplyDelete
  11. This post made me laugh because you already know my posts are peppered liberally with that delicious word.

    But please. I want to know more about Lee and his condom. I simply must know.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sweet muscular Jesus*, this was some great shit. (*Thank you, Lily Tomlin.)

    ReplyDelete
  13. What more is there to say? Although you neglected to say my personal favorite : clusterfuck.

    ReplyDelete
  14. It IS a great word, but like you, I try to be judicious in my use of it. I'd argue with Abby that the c-word has supplanted the f-word as THE offensive word.

    Hot yoga in Florida IS redundant, isn't it? I never thought about that before...

    ReplyDelete
  15. What more is there to say? Although you neglected to say my personal favorite : clusterfuck.

    ReplyDelete
  16. What more is there to say? Although you neglected to say my personal favorite : clusterfuck.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I told you you were a fucking poet!
    Thanks for this post, it brought me the giggles.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I fucking love you too. It's always sort of baffled me that we assign so much power to certain words and forbid our children to say them. It's a word. It's a cluster of sounds that probably means "teacup" in Swedish or something. And that argument that cursing is a sign of an inferior vocabulary I reject out of hand. Nothing says fuck like fuck. There are times when it is absolutely the best word.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I fucking love you too. It's always sort of baffled me that we assign so much power to certain words and forbid our children to say them. It's a word. It's a cluster of sounds that probably means "teacup" in Swedish or something. And that argument that cursing is a sign of an inferior vocabulary I reject out of hand. Nothing says fuck like fuck. There are times when it is absolutely the best word.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Big Mamabird- Children are going to pick it up. That's all there is to it.
    We should just make certain they use it appropriately which your son definitely did.

    Denise- I am fucking thanking you.

    Jennifer- Haha! You were fucked.

    Birdie- I am certain that the condom had belonged to his father. Lee was only in the third grade at the time. I'm almost sure he is dead now.

    Sarah- I've never heard that one! It's great!

    Elizabeth- I use that one frequently too. It's such a good one. I also love FUBAR. Fucked up beyond all repair.

    Steve Reed- I try to be judicious. Sometimes I fail. Whoops!
    Yeah. Hot yoga in Florida. Fuck that shit.

    Heartinhand- You're a doll. Thank you!

    Ms. Vesuvius-I totally agree!!!!

    Bethany- You are one of my favorite fucking people on earth.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hot yoga, Fuck That! Gail

    ReplyDelete
  22. i particularly love the way you break down exactly WHY the word fuck is so satisfying.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I fucking hear you sister. I have on Occassion suffered badly from the " fuck fucks". That's when all you can say is Fuck! fuck!!!'

    ReplyDelete
  24. I love that word, too. My husband claims I wouldn't if I was a native speaker, but I think I would. You do. And I quite like some Flemish swear words, too. Because of him I try to behave around the children, but I don't always manage. They love telling me "Mama, you're not allowed to say "Fuck!""

    ReplyDelete

Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.