Thursday, January 28, 2016

Shit Happens

Somewhere in this backyard there is a septic tank lying beneath the dirt.
We assume.
We've lived here for twelve years and never had reason to know where the exact location is and the guy who lived here before us told us that he didn't know either.
Which means that it hasn't been pumped out in almost twenty years.
We have become, shall we say? sanguine about the whole deal. Flush the toilet, take a shower, wash the clothes, all drained where it should into the mysterious magical septic tank.
Until last night. The dishwasher was running and I had my shower on but had not stepped into it yet, waiting for the water to become hot (the distance between the hot water heater and my bathroom is approximately a quarter of a mile, as the crow flies) when I noticed that the toilet was acting as if it were possessed. It began to bubble, water coming up from where it was supposed to only go down, as if a monster of some sort was belching out great blasts of gas.
I notified my husband who said, "There must be a blockage in the drain in there," but who changed his diagnosis when the same thing happened in the bathroom off the kitchen where he takes his shower. The toilet in there became possessed as well.
"I guess we have to get the septic tank pumped," he said, as he got into bed.

And so it goes. A guy is coming over at four to check out the situation. I can still do laundry and flush the toilet, etc. but not everything at once and quite frankly, it would be awesome to get the problem taken care of before that monster becomes truly enraged and its belches become huger and all of the toilets and all of the drains run backwards, vomiting up what we have been so casually flushing and draining down.

And in somewhat related news, I truly believe that Donald Trump is weary of running for president and has done everything in his power to dissuade voters from supporting him which has only made him more popular which says things about the American voter that are as filthy and unpleasant to contemplate as a septic tank which needs pumping out and that his refusal to participate in this next debate is one last-ditch effort to get himself out of the race without actually quitting. This way he can blame the media for everything. I mean really- would Donald Trump enjoy living in the White House and having to actually attend to presidential duties 24 hours a day for four years? I don't think so.
Of course, I could be wrong. I frequently am. He may actually believe that because he is The Donald and has The Donald Super Powers, he can run the country with one hand tied behind his back and the other hand holding a golf club, a martini glass, and a woman's breast.

So it goes. A hen has just laid an egg. I need to go to the store. And the library. It's gray and supposed to rain and it's getting cold again. Finches of one sort or another are flocking the feeder and the chickens are pecking beneath it, scratching up the seeds that the birds knock to the ground. Chi-Chi and Cha-Cha have eaten all of the cat food on the porch and last night, Maurice spent hours hunting and hopefully eating a mouse in the bedroom.
I should probably go check that situation out. As with septic tanks and certain politicians, dead animals are best dealt with before they start to stink.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. I like how your train of thought went from sewage backing up directly to The Donald. I'm glad you get to go to the library while the menfolk handle the septic issue.

  2. I love your septic Trump segue.

    I also think it's great that you're getting a septic tank guy instead of Mr M doing it himself. Good call.

  3. I think you are right about Trump. he's too selfish and self centered to actually BE president. he just wants the adoration that comes with being elected. I hope he does quit because if he does get elected this country is going to be in for a world of hurt.

    we had our septic tanks (3, we have a three tank system before it gets sent out to the drain field) emptied in 2013 (I think). it wasn't completely necessary but we had no idea how long it had been. I asked the guy how long til it would have to be done again and his cagey answer was 'it depends on how much you generate'. I got a big laugh out of that. depends on how full of shit you are.

  4. You know, I have had the same thought about Trump. I was pretty damn sure that was what was going on when he said " I could stand on 5th avenue and shoot somebody and still not lose any votes." Who the fuck says that when running for president??

  5. Trump was not dealt with before he started to stink. Which is a shame. I hope you get your tank problem sorted. Then you'll be able to flush again for another twenty years until bubbles.

  6. Ours us being pumped right now. We have it done every two years. Shit.

  7. Septic Trump is brilliant. It is scary out there. If he is voted in, I must move. But I have faith in the fact that the majority of the population are Hispanic and surely they will get out there and vote and this couldn't possibly happen. Right???? I hope your personal issue is resolved immediately.

  8. My sympathy on the plumbing troubles. We woke to low water pressure here, a main at the street was gushing. On the water company side, so their problem for once, but still unpleasant to have to try to get it all taken care of.

  9. As I sit here in Canada and finally love a leader for the first time in years I now turn my worry to the fact that twit might actually get elected. However, there is more concern that there are that many people with addled brains that love his views. That is scary.

    How does one find a septic tank?

    (I actually have a small crush on Justin Trudeau. My god that man is sexy.)

  10. This was easily the most insightful commentary that I've ever read. Seriously, woman. You need to submit as an Op-Ed.

  11. A *small* crush on Justin Trudeau? Is such a thing possible? The man is monster crush-worthy.

  12. I wonder about Donald's enthusiasm, too. He seems to be running out of steam. Or maybe it's just his message that seems old.

    When I was growing up in Florida we had a septic tank and we had that bubbling-toilet problem after every heavy rain. We used to have to use water very sparingly until it percolated out of the system through the drainfield.


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