Hey freak! Just choose the seat by the window with the good scenery and open your eyes! Right?
You know what's strange? On my bad days, I almost agree with that. I already feel so guilty and down on myself that I can well believe that it's nobody's fault but my own that I am depressed or anxious. That if I could just pull my spirits up by their metaphorical bootstraps, I, too, could be as happy and un-depressed and un-anxious as anyone on this planet. Because honestly- what do I have to be depressed or anxious about?
But then I have a good day and I realize that's a bunch of fucking bullshit. A good day where I do absolutely nothing different than any other day and yet, it all seems absolutely lovely to me. Not lovely in a manic way. I don't want to go buy ten pairs of shoes or stay up for days. The bed looks as good to me as it does any other day. I am looking at the same things. Doing the same chores. Walking the same floors. And I swear to you, my eyes are always open to the goodness, the beauty.
The difference is- some days I can see it but none of it brings me any pleasure, while other days, there is pleasure to be found in all of it.
Does that make sense?
Well, here are a few of the things which have I have seen today that have been good to my eyes, my heart, my spirits. The things that brought me pleasure.
These beautiful chickens. They are beloved to me. I swear they are. Even on my worst days they bring me peace and contentment as they go about their day. On my good days, they bring me joy. Look at the way Mick stands tall among his hens, keeping watch.
Blue skies and my husband and Vergil, working so hard to help this house I adore stay alive and well. They work for twelve hours at a time with one break for breakfast and one tiny break in the afternoon to eat a muffin. Yes. A muffin.
This silly cat who, on her best nights, only bites me a little bit.
There's a venison meatloaf and sweet potatoes baking. I feel very Florida in our menu tonight and am quite certain that over the many years this house has been inhabited, that these same foods have been cooked and eaten so many times before. The men have finally finished for today and Vergil is on his way home to his sweet wife and darling baby. I got a lot of things done today around here but nothing special. The usual stuff involving laundry and chicken tending and sweeping and trash-taking.
And yet, I have been sitting on the side of the train where the scenery is breath-taking. And all the while, knowing without doubt that I could just as easily be sitting on the side where there is nothing to see but hard flat gray stone.
I didn't choose this seat anymore than I would ever choose to sit on the other side of the train.
I just woke up and here I was.
And what a pleasure and a joy it is.
No one chooses depression or anxiety and if someone tells you that you can, walk away. I don't care if it's your mama, your priest, your therapist, Rumi, or the Dalai Lama. Yes. There are things we can do to make ourselves feel better but simply choosing to is not one of them.
That's my tip for today.
All Love...Ms. Moon