I just realized I've been misspelling "Robin" and I don't even give a shit it's gray today and listen- the universe is carefully balanced, I believe that, not through divine intervention but through the laws of nature and today it's not carefully balanced, but tipped because that force of love and humor and joy and sweetness (just pure fucking sweetness) is not here among the living on planet earth, you know, his energy is still out there because energy is neither created nor destroyed but it's not here, here.
You know what I mean.
When you yourself suffer from (have suffered from, most likely WILL again suffer from) depression and something like this happens, when such a bright, bright spark of human flame is snuffed by its own hand you have to acknowledge the reality of the disease and there are those dark moments where you think, "well, look- it got him" and not in a selfish this-is-all-about-me way but in a sorrowful way beyond ken because you know how he felt, you know he leapt, as David Foster Wallace said, from the burning building not because he wasn't afraid of the jump but because the flames were too high and there was no choice.
Let's not dwell there or perhaps we should?
No one knows. Perhaps not even we ourselves.
There is no let's-remember-him-and-the-great-joy-and-light-he-brought without the (now obvious) exquisite balance within him of the darkness.
One this dark, one this bright. We have to acknowledge.
So did the darkness win? Well. No. The light won over and over and over again, so bright that it burst from him and he gave it to us like a machine gun made of joy, like soft candle light, like a chandelier, like a nuclear blast, like the light from a mother's eyes, a lover's eyes, a father's eyes, a brother's eyes, a friend's eyes.
A child's eyes.
Over and over again the light won it was so strong!
It escaped him, he let it out and sometimes he let out a little of that darkness and that was when we saw his soul, he allowed us to see his soul, the soul of a human who has known such pain but he didn't let us see the depth of that pain, that darkness.
That he kept inside, that unfathomable darkness.
Until he couldn't.
There. That's what I have to say.
Look- a "normal" brain could never reside inside the head of a Robin Williams.
Balance upset, world wonky for right now. All will be restored I suppose, I suppose, unless somehow it won't.
I do not pretend to know shit.
Although sometimes I like to think I do.
Sometimes there is no knowing. Sometimes there is nothing but the acceptance of what is.
It is gray today.
I am not surprised.