Monday, December 14, 2009

Sex Please, We're Sixty

That's the title of the next play the Opera House is doing and oh hell, I'm guess I'm going to be in it. I am, as we all know, a big ol' stage whore.

Kathleen is going to direct and what could be better? It's a complete farce (duh) and involves an experimental Viagra-for-women which gives men menopausal symptoms if they inadvertently take it. Which, of course, they do.

The ladies who love the Opera House are going to just fall out of their chairs when Colin and Jack start fanning themselves and complaining of not being understood or appreciated and feeling FAT! Even at the cold read tonight, we were laughing our asses off. Why IS it that men love to imitate women and camp it up good? I have no idea but they do. From drag queens to Milton Berle. Hell, that man was happier in a dress than in pants any day of the week.
But he was weird. Yes. There was something very queer about Uncle Miltie if you ask me. And I'm sure that many of you are scratching your heads going, Milton Berle? Uncle Miltie? What?

Don't worry. You don't need to know.

The play was written by a couple, Michael and Susan Parker and even though I haven't read the entire thing, I'm pretty excited. I am playing, I believe, a romance novel writer who does not have nearly enough romance in her own life. And I am told that a great deal of the costumage involves negligees.


Holy Hannah, pass the Slim Fast.

But I'm excited (can you tell?) and pretty happy about the prospect. I have a lot of lines to memorize and I suppose I can do it. I'll have to up the fish oils supplement. I actually told Mr. Moon last night that I wasn't sure I wanted to do this. I have Owen to take care of these days and it takes a lot of commitment to do a play. He looked at me and said, "Don't give me that. You can do it."

Which is another reason I love the man. He kicks my ass while giving me a soft place to land.

So here I am, eleven days before Christmas and there are no pipers piping and I still haven't done a damn thing to get ready although I brought down Bad Santa from upstairs. Maybe I should go plug him in.

Hold on.

Shit. That picture was so great I had to make it my new header.

So yes, I am feeling better. In general. It's seventy-one degrees and so humid that May had to mop the ceiling of her apartment and dang! what says Christmas in Florida better than having to mop your ceiling?

Nothing I know of, short of a fruitcake and I haven't made one fruitcake this year and don't you make any jokes about fruitcakes because mine are AWESOME.

And Billy and Shayla and Waylon Grady are coming over tomorrow and perhaps Lily and Owen as well. And I haven't seen Waylon for weeks and I miss him and his mama and daddy too. And we all know that a day without Owen is a day without meaning.

All right. I have to go decorate the tree now. This should take about fifteen minutes as it is not very big. Bigger than last year's, but still, not very big.

I'm trying, y'all. I'm doing my best. And now that Bad Santa is plugged in, I feel that the holiday is well and truly begun. Really! I do! He is so precious, Bad Santa, and he looks just like I feel about the holiday. Happy. Joyful. Like a serial killer with a weapon in his hand.

Pass the eggnog-flavored Slim Fast. Mama needs to get her Christmas on.

Ho, y'all. Really. Ho.

And just wait until February when I'm onstage in a negligee. Oh yeah, things are looking up.


  1. That is awesome! The play and Bad Santa. You can do it and it sounds like a blast.

    I wish it was 71 degrees here in Normal...

  2. I love fruitcake too. I'm so glad I'm not the only one out there!

  3. Bad Santa is a trifle spooky... Can't tell what he's holding, but he looks like he wants to clock someone with it!

    That is such a lovely picture of you. Very very lovely.

    Line of the day: "Pass the eggnog flavored Slimfast. Mama needs to get her Christmas on".
    So glad things are looking up.
    xo m

  4. Ms. Dish- I hear it's going to be down in the thirties by the end of the week. Pray for us. We are neither normal nor able to deal with such changes.

    Tamarra- I wish I had a fruit cake RIGHT NOW!!!

    Ms. Fleur- We do what we can.

  5. Good deal. And holy shit...71. It's 40 here, and just about right to me ;)

  6. I love all this. You make me smile wide. Evil Santa took me by surprise, but made me smile too because I was a little prepared and anticipating him from last year's post that I stumbled upon. You're right. Great pic. Egg nog flavored slim fast!
    Negligees eh? You will play that part perfectly, a writer. SO glad Mr Moon comforts and encourages. He is amazing.
    I want to come see the play.
    May mopping the ceiling? I don't understand this. But I loved the image.
    I can feel your energy in this post and it's glorious. So glad you're feeling better and doing what you needed to do, one thing at a time.
    Thanks for writing.
    But fruit cake, no thanks, even Ms Moon fruit cake, I don't think I could stomach. But I'd try it for you and maybe be surprised.

  7. Oh, and the photo of you is so perfect. It's just right on, captures the mood of your post so exactly. And you are beautiful. But I don't have a crush.
    Nope, not me.

  8. SJ- What am I going to do with all the comforters on my bed tonight? It'll be one hot flash after another.

    Bethany- It is so humid here that entire weather systems build up inside buildings. I am not kidding. It was literally raining in May's apartment. I AM so lucky to have Mr. Moon. And don't I know it!
    As to the fruitcake- well, more for me. Yum! If there were any, that is.
    And the picture- Ha! Lighting is all. Dim, being the operative word here. And I am honored to be a crushee. At my age? Bring it on!

  9. oh yay i'm so glad you're in this play
    where the women are wicked and wiley
    and the men take drugs to get smiley
    and all the ho hum wiley
    the women get laid get laid!

  10. How can one not believe in God when Bad Santa comes every year at the Church of the Batshit Crazy, when plays about wicked women star the batshit crazy, when Baby Owen comes almost every day?

    I'm happy for you. And I can't wait for the play.

  11. Wee, this next play sounds like it will be a real fun one!

    I think I will come hang out with you tomorrow, if that is ok?

  12. Bad Santa looks great and the play sounds hilarious. I would love to watch that. Maybe me and Baby Shife will have to make a road trip. Good luck with all of your holiday stuff. Take care.

  13. Mrs Moon, I do hope that someone videos the play! I'd love to see it. Bad Santa. I could do with one in this flat!
    Love his weapon.....I STILL haven't written my cards yet, must do it today.. or perhaps tomorrow.. bloomin' Xmas!

  14. That is a dark and bad santa alright. The vengeful spirit of consumerism and seasonal depression. Good catch!

  15. ha...that play sounds awsome...r you sure yu are ms moon and not ms star???..:-) and dont think you getaway with showing us pictures of you on stage in negliges....-)

  16. i live in the land of ice and snow where you have to shovel off your roof occasionally, so please explain to me exactly what has to happen for someone to have to mop a ceiling.


  17. men having menopausal symptoms is a hilarious concept...i read somewhere that men do have their own hormonal cycle too, involving varying levels of testosterone which is something i like to mention when a certain person has moments of unexplained crankiness.

    negligee hey? don't worry...I'm sure you look way more fabulous in a silky little number than me and im only 36. i certainly feel about 600 years old this morning...

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  19. PS Bad Santa scares me...he looks just like a cruel primary school teacher I used to have

  20. Bad Santa is a hoot. Your picture is amazing, you look ready to play a sexy writer. The play sounds hilarious, and I love the theme. Men should have menopause, just for a day or two, and then they'd know!
    I am also a fan of fruitcake, but only the good, homemade ones, not the storebought crap.
    Glad your mood is more festive, glad you have a play to do - I'd be drinking slimfast too! and glad bad santa is lit and ready!

    Have a good day, hope no more ceiling mopping is required!

  21. @ mel

    we have menopause..its called midlifecrisis..:-)

    @ ms moon

    i know you all will hate me but i have to teell a little menopause story...i did told it to jo a few days ago...

    years ago..i still were young...i worked in a laboratory ( a training for school) ...and my (female) boss had a coffee cup which had a wor don it: kaffeepause (which is german for coffee break) and one day, in a playfull mood, i glued a piece of paper over the word kaffee and wrote the word meno on voila : menopause...i dont know why no one thought if were funny..tststs*....

  22. Maggie May- So you've seen the play?

    Elizabeth- Let us not get bogged down in semantics. And believe me- I am not the star of this play which, well, thank God. Speaking of.

    HoneyLuna- Yes! Get your cute little ass over here and finish decorating this tree and make my heart happy.

    Mr. Shife- Sure! Y'all can stop here on your way to Ft. Lauderdale to oogle the babes. Baby Shife can teach Owen and Waylen how to crawl. Awesome!

    Technogram- Do what I did- lose your address book- VOILA! no way to send Christmas cards! Yippie!

    Jo- Possibly my very best Goodwill buy of all times.

    Danielle- Ha! We shall see.

    Miss A- Well, it has to be 100% humidity for like a week and the weather has to get cold and then warm until the indoors actually creates a weather system and there you go- rain in your house.

    Screamish- Have you not been reading about my aging/weight issues? Oh Lord. This is going to be one big ol' negligee.
    And I am so sorry you had a teacher who looked like that. You must still be having nightmares.

    Danielle- Lighting. Or lack of. And I just can't imagine why everyone didn't think your little menopause joke was funny. They obviously had NO sense of humor.
    (You're lucky you came away with all your limbs intact.)

    Mel- Thank-you for all the sweetness!

  23. I still say bad Santa is carrying a Christmas hammer, all the better to ring our chimes.

  24. Bad Santa is my new screen saver, assuming I can figure out how to save it.

    How exciting about the play!

  25. You are a brave damn woman. And I love the photo of you. You look mahvelous dahling.

  26. Can't belive no one has said it, but that pic... Rawr Nana Moon, rawr.

  27. That's a play I'd like to see! Also, you look gorgeous in that picture. Do you make your fruitcake with bourbon? Mmmm, fruitcake.

  28. DTG- Exactly!

    Nancy- I can e-mail it to you if you want it.

    Ms. Bastard- Thank-you, Dahling. So do you. I'm sure.

    Daddy X- Lack of lightening, I'm telling you!

    Ginger- I don't make it with anything but vanilla but I wrap it in rum-soaked cheesecloth. Dark rum. Yum.

  29. That is a GORGEOUS picture of you, Ms. Moon. Looking a little Gloria Steinam-ish (sp?) I think.

  30. I'm so killing off the Bumba. Bad Santa is way better. And hurray for being onstage in negligee!


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