Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Oh Holy Fuck

Well, here it is. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I woke up this morning and I thought these very words:

Fuck-a-fuck-a-roni. I'm fucked just like a pony.

Is it okay to say that?
Fuck yes. It's my blog.

What have I been doing the last few weeks? Huh? Can you tell me? Sashaying around and making fucking soup and going to Goodwill and acting like the fucking holy wise men are going to show up at my door with their frankincense, their myrrh, some good ol' Traditional Mr. Moon's mother's Christmas Eve Chicken Salad and maybe a ham and a Jello cake and a relish tray and a pot of black-eyed peas and clean sheets that they'll put on all the spare beds and oh yes, maybe they'll also fix the electricity under the house so that the guest room will have ELECTRICITY and they'll figure out all this present stuff and tidy up the house and make everything SHINY AND BRIGHT AND HOLY AND LOVELY AND FIT FOR A FINE FUCKING FAMILY CELEBRATION????!!!!

I must have thought that because surely, there is no other option at this point and I AM FREAKING OUT BECAUSE THERE ARE NO MAGICAL WISE MEN, NO THERE ARE NOT AND I AM FUCKED!

What? I'm sorry. Was I yelling?


Mary trudged all the way to Bethlehem and had a baby and put it in a manger and that was that. Done. Unless she got up from her pile of hay, the birth juices still upon her and built an oven, slaughtered a goat and roasted it for the Christmas dinner. Which she did not. Did she have any idea when she had that baby and put it in a manger (Come on- why would anyone put their baby in a manger?) that she had just created the most stressful time of the year for millions and millions of people throughout the rest of known eternity? Did she?

I'm sorry.

Poor Mary. Having to receive visitors there in the barn. Stable. Whatever. Funky-smelling shepherds who stood there and goggled at the baby, their crooks in the hands, their sheep wandering the hillsides without them, baahing and bleating, all alone.

"What? You've never seen a baby before?" she probably asked, trying not to show her titties to the intrusive shepherds as she nursed the Holy Infant. "Joseph, will you please get these damn shepherds out of here? I'm trying to feed the baby and deal with the afterbirth. And could you find me some Ibuprofen? I just gave birth to a baby through a virgin vagina and let me tell you something- THAT WAS NOT EASY!"

What was the point of the angel of the Lord appearing to shepherds, abiding in the fields? What was the fucking point of that? I'm sure a talented preacher or priest could come up with some great story but I don't get it. Just like that article I read in the paper this morning where the Christian guy talked about how we certainly CAN shop and eat and do all the crazy Christmas crap as long as we do it in a spirit of reverence. Or something like that.
He also recommended that you go into a church by yourself and check out the Giant Jesus hanging on the cross and study the pain in his face to remember the spirit of compassion.
And then go on to Walmart, I guess, and buy some more junk from China but it'll be okay because you have the spirit of compassion. And reverence.

Sure. Let's celebrate the birth of the baby by studying the bloody crucifixion of the grown man.

This all makes as much sense to me as some dudes from the east bringing frankincense and myrrh to a newborn. Diapers would have made more sense. A block of fucking cheese would have made more sense. A fruitcake, a Jello cake. A ham.
Oh wait. The Holy Family was Jewish. They didn't eat the pig.

Well, whatever. I am rambling. I have to get off my ass and scramble and scratch and make a Christmas. Or at least try.

Well, here we go. I've drunk a half a pot of coffee, my shoulders feel like they're going to break off from the rest of my body, and it's the day before Christmas Eve.

And that picture up there? It has nothing to do with Christmas. But I like it and it's far more festive than a picture of the stalagmites of chicken guano I have going on out there in the coop which is what I could have posted.

Consider yourself lucky.
I do.
I didn't just give birth to a baby through a virgin vagina with no more midwife than a man who believed his teen-aged wife was giving birth to a baby through a virgin vagina.

And I guess I'll just carry this right on out to its logical and completely blasphemous conclusion:

THAT was a holy fuck.

Amen and Merry Christmas from the Church of the Batshit Crazy where we do not believe in hell, thank God, because if we did, we'd have to go there.


  1. Oh MY GOD!!!!!!!! That was FUNNY!

    While your cruising around feeling reverent and compassionate, don't forget to watch out for the asshole drivers! :-)

    Oh, and thanks for that image of the virgin vagina birth... I never really quite thought about that part of it. OUCH!

    xoxo pf

  2. I have been to hell-and let me warn you, it is masquerading as Target this week.
    I find it funny, working with psychotic people as I do, that I am supposed to point out the illogical part of their delusions, but with a straight face I am also supposed to tell my kids that virgins can give birth in barns and that dead people can come back to life after 3 days.

  3. Relax! Delegate! Gin... negligee...

    It's not fair ... since I had my first sleepless child I'[ been looking forward to my restful fifties. Now you're spoiling that illusion for me.

  4. But then, I was thinking some more: Maybe Mary had IVF? I'm just saying, I got pregnant once without having sex, so it is possible...

  5. ah yes, every day should start with a mental image of beastiality....

  6. Ms. Fleur- Just doing my job

    Rachel- Yes. Just who is calling who crazy?

    Jo- The last child grows up and the hot flashes being. You don't even KNOW the fun-filled sleepless nights you're going to have. WHERE THE HELL IS THAT GIN?

    Rachel- Could be.

    Daddy X- Again. Just doing my job.

  7. I kind of thought that picture was you on Christmas day, your kids and company visiting you in your bed, the way I think you imagined yourself on Thanksgiving, but then decided not to because it seemed like you were sick or dying.

    I can't believe you quoted Mary as saying to Joseph, "I just gave birth to a baby through a virgin vagina." Oh my God, this line is going to stay with me all day and make me laugh to myself. I hope I don't try to explain it to someone at work. They will think me mad.

    "stalagmites of chicken guano" was brilliant too. You on 1/2 a pot of coffee is hilarious. This sermon had fire and brimstone in it. I could feel the energy flying off your fingers. Get moving!

    I know just how you feel, well sort of. I am not having anyone over. But I've avoided mostly the whole nonsense until the last couple days and am panicking now. Argh. Good luck. As my therapist says, Just do your best.

  8. I love you, Ms. Moon. Truly I love you, for your wit and your ability to express yourself and your ideas and images and truths and the thoughts of delicious food! and clean sheets!

    And I love you for having raised children who are all writerly and sweet and passionate and share themselves in the world the way you do!

    What is Jello cake? I've never had it. If it wasn't 2,655 miles from my home to yours I would drop by with my wife for Jello cake, chicken salad, and I'd pitch in and help clean and wash and make beds too!

    Enjoy your family, much love,

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  10. OMYGOD

    I just laughed out loud through this entire post. Ms Moon, I love you. I love you. I love you. TO PIECES. You communicate everything I want to say about almost everything, but with your infinite wisdom, and an unrelenting sense of humor.

    All I want to do is walk into a store to buy something normal, and all these people are in my way, and I'm realizing that they will not go away until some time in mid-February. Sigh. THANK YOU for posting this, and being SO LOVELY! I hope your day is beautiful, and I look forward to any more updates you would like to share with us...especially the RANTING kind where you YELL A LOT! And say fuck. Those are my favorite.

  11. I'm on my way over to help. That way I can avoid the three children creating havoc in my house, avoid baking the three desserts I must bring over to the friends' house for Christmas eve dinner, avoid feeling extreme resentment toward The Husband's complete and utter lack of presence during the season, avoid the pile of palm fronds that came down in the backyard from yesterday's gale-force winds and, etc. etc.
    Good luck, Ms. Moon. And I do love a well-placed "fuck." And you had many of them.

  12. Wow. And wouldn't Mary and Joseph have consummated their relationship by that time?

  13. Bethany- I'll bet more people can relate than would admit to it!

    Mary- You and your wife are welcome here anytime at all. Seriously. I won't even make you wash your own sheets. I hope you two have a merry little Christmas. I'll be thinking about you and hoping so.

    AJ- Thanks! I'm thinking maybe I pushed the envelope on that one but hell- if it makes us laugh, let's go for it!

    Elizabeth- Good luck to you, too, honey. I completely understand what you're saying. Of course. And as to the cursing -well, I consider that my gift. My talent. My truest natural ability. (Blush)

    Stephanie- Of course not! You cannot have sex with a woman who is pregnant with the Son of God. It just wouldn't be right.

  14. I don't know... I mean, how many people get an opportunity like that?

  15. I love this post! Love it so much I might need to print it out, frame it, and read it daily! Thank you for this. I needed it - the laugh, the perspective, and the blasphemy! Your last sentence is a hoot with truth in mixed messages!

    Meeting your blog has been the best gift!

  16. There's no hell? Then where will I go to meet up with all the other sinners??

    Merry Fucking Christmas to all! And to all a good....uh...whatever.

    (one of my favorite posts of yours ever)

  17. I have never thought about the virgin vagina, but yeah. Ouch.

  18. Stephanie- I know but it was no doubt forbidden upon pain of spontaneous combustion. Don't you think?

    Joy- Glad you you enjoyed it.

    Tiff- We'll find each other.

    Nancy- Yes, I am obsessed with thinking about such things. My curse.

  19. Listen love, they are all adults except for The King who is only 12 weeks old. How about making it a collective feast this year? I am sure they won't mind and they have to start somewhere to learn how you do it. Get yourself a martini, put Dean Martin on the vinyl and do what you want to do without feeling that the food police is looking for you.

    (Today is his last radiation treatment until February. My chemo starts Monday so I am doing absolutely nothing between now and then) Got a couple of lobster tails and dinner will be pasta with lobster and other goodies.

    Christmas? I take a pass this year.
    But I wish you and the rest of the family, the best one ever, that it will because Owen is here.

  20. Allegra Darling- You are right. And I damn well know it. The kids are going to help and it'll all be fine and we're going to have the VERY best time. I really am not stressing. I think after I wrote that post I got it all out of my system.
    But honey, I'm thinking of you and how grateful you and B.Loved are going to be for that small window of no-medical-treatments, no hospital, just the two of you surrounded by the things you love, eating simple food and loving each other and knowing exactly and truthfully what the very essence of meaning of this life is.
    Which is to love and be loved.
    You are so precious. I am keeping a candle burning all the time for you two now. Did you know that?
    I'll kiss Owen for you.

  21. Joy sent me here since I was on her blog making multiple posts in an effort to avoid Christmas chores....
    I just realized I *have* a virgin vagina as I have had three children via two C-sections (twins and their not little brother).
    Our wise men were fertility doctors and medical technicians who all had a hand, sometimes several of them (which is damn uncomfortable), in the creation of the three Ponder children.

  22. I loved reading the story on Jell-O and how it was only 10 cents. Classic!

    I like how doctors were saying how healthy Jello-O is/was? Is it really all that healthy? Oh well. It made me chuckle.

    I love your wreath!

  23. I want a cupie doll to bring me jello [pout]

  24. that was..intense..entertaining...the blog equivakent to a almodovar mivie...somehow...well most defenbetly gin..lots°!

    i love your roni-song...but you dont sing the new verse to owen do you??? shouoldnt..i m already on the way to hell because i teached mini-santiago to sing "i poke her face" instead of " po po po po pokerface" when he sings his recent fav. song...somehow i like yours more...

  25. Froggy- Well, I assume your vagina was not actually a virgin one but hell- maybe it was! Anyway, yes, let us be grateful for the wise men and women who offer more than spices and sticky rosins. Is that the right word? Whatever. I'm burnt out in the mind. But thank-you for coming by! I hope you'll visit again and I'll drop by your place. Happy Holidays.

    Rebecca- And I wonder if we're going to find out in fifty years that flax seed and oat bran were actually the cause of many deaths. Ha! Well, one thing you can say about Jello- it's colorful!

    Stephanie- Me too! Maybe jello SHOTS!

    Danielle- No. I will not sing that verse to my grandson. I promise. And your line for Mini Santiago is not that bad. No. Really.

  26. Oh , I needed a laugh today. Thanks. I hate shopping, and delegated to my older kids and husband this year. Who are finding it fun. Give them a few years.
    The line at the bookstore was enough to make me need a glass of wine.

    Good luck.

  27. I'd rather be making soup and sashaying any day than shopping and wrapping gifts.... Remember it was only Jesus that got the gifts, not everyone and their donkey in those stables...

  28. My sides hurt from holding in my hysterical laughter cause there's still a tiny tiny infinitesimal tiny part of me that says "what if that jesus stuff is true and if god hears me laughing I will CERTAINLY burn in HELL"

    Then I read the last line...

    You are a funny lady, Ms. Moon

  29. Deb- Which is why I've been sashaying around Goodwill.

    Lola- Great point!

    Michelle- Well, you know I have the same tiny fear. I grew up on Billy Graham. But fuck it- gotta live what I believe in my heart. Not what I've been told.

  30. That was brilliant and funny. Thanks, I am pretty sure I can smile through the ordeal now. Thanks.

  31. happy christmas ms moon..:-)

    cant wait for more moon-ism in the coming year.:-)

  32. This is now my favorite post. You have topped yourself.

    I am still smiling as I type this.

    I love you, you damn crazy woman.


  33. HWB- Glad I could help you out, Brother. You did the same for me with you and Mickey.

    Danielle- Stay tuned.

    Ms. Bastard- Heh-heh. I knew you'd like this one. Love you too!


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