Friday, December 11, 2009

Roses Don't Just Bloom In Spring

Owen is here from ten until six today. An entire day I get to spend with this boy. I hear he was up at four-thirty this morning, and Lily nursed him and he was still upset and she had to wake up his daddy and he gave him a bottle and walked him for an hour and finally he went back to sleep and who knows what sort of mood he's going to be in today?
Ah. That boy.
He can go from smiling with delight to howling with pissed-offedness in two seconds. That's my Owen.
And I hate for him to cry. It upsets me down to the bone, I can almost feel my blood rushing in a way that is uncomfortable, my spine is activated and my heart is broken when he cries. Do something, do something, do something, instructs my very viscera.
And I do. I change him (I've never once checked his diaper and found it not wet), I make him a bottle, I hold him close and feed him, I take him out to see the chickens, I put him in the sling and rock him, I sway and sing and tell him funny stories. I'd stand on my head if that would help.
But through all of this, I am completely happy.
I've always said that my children saved my life but I don't think I realized how profoundly true that is. All those years when I felt as if I was hiding from the world by taking care of babies and children, feeling guilty that that was all I did... I don't think I realized how very happy it made me. Because it was hard and some days I felt as if I couldn't do it and that I needed to run away and be someone else, do something else, shut myself into a room with the ocean outside and write, write, write, no one to disturb me, no babies clinging or wanting sweet milk or needing a note signed or a lesson to be taken to or snacks made or yet another poopie diaper cleaned up.
I didn't know I was doing the work that I was born to do.
I didn't know I didn't need to feel guilty.
I didn't know those were the blooming of my rose-years.

And Owen has taught me that my rose-years are not over.
Here it is December and I have roses blooming in my yard, I have a baby here to be taken care of.
It will freeze soon enough. The roses will die back until spring.
But for now, I have this boy to take care of and he is saving my life just as his mother and her sisters and brother saved my life.
A second bloom.
Who knew? Who knew?
Not me.


  1. What a sweet face.

    Enjoy your time with him. I know you will.

    Have a great weekend.

    Love, SB.

  2. Mother love is sacred and often a first time Amma myself, gramma-love is overwhelming in so many ways. I had 18 month old Thomas with me yesterday and I played with him all day long. Watched him play "make believe" with his giraffe and his rat (walk, walk, kiss, kiss). Sat in bliss with him on my lap reading books. (Read, Amma, read, peese.) And best of all as my daughter took him home, "Bye bye, Amma. iloveyuup." Oh, the joy! Owen is darling, precious and truly a reminder of so many things in gramma-hearts that would take an entire book to describe. Thank you!

  3. I was actually referring to this post

    and who knew indeed

  4. Damn, he's a CUTIE---PIE!!!

    I'll take a pooey butt over thorns any day. :-)

  5. That last photo is particularly divine. He's so AWAKE when he's awake and so asleep, so peaceful, when he's asleep!

  6. That last shot is just so sweet! Have fun today!

  7. You just choke me up with your truth and beauty Ms. Moon. Thank you.

  8. I'm so happy for your second blooming. I should remember I'm in my first.

  9. wow. a day later and i still haven't had any sleep...I think the girls are asleep tho, and just sitting down and was gnawing my own brain with repressed frustration...but then i read your post...I'm feeling a little bit better...and I think I'll have a glass of red wine now

  10. Lovely. You, him, all of it.

    That picture of Lily reminded me that Austin saw her picture on your site a few weeks ago and said "mama!"

    I thanked him for that. Lily's prettier than me :)

  11. Superstar Owen.
    I love when you write about motherhood and now grandmotherhood. It helps me understand things I've struggled with and wondered about.
    Blooming, roses, babies, ah.
    You are beautiful, btw.

  12. Oh, i just scrolled though and saw Lily again. She's such a beauty too. She gives off such a lovely energy, she seems like someone I have always known and liked.

  13. GAH! I miss the tiny features of a baby. But not enough to have another. That is a beautiful boy there.

  14. Oh My, Owen, what big brown eyes you have!

  15. Mine saved my life, too, in more ways than one.

  16. I love those words for it--the rose years. A perfect blooming. I'm in my rose years, definitely, and so thankful to read this and know that this time doesn't end when my children grow--that I will possibly have another go round! I love the pictures, you are glowing.

  17. Ms. Bastard- You better come on and meet this boy while he's still in his prime (and Pearl's still alive).
    We love you!

    Cinda- Isn't it amazing? Isn't it just the best?

    Deb- I read that one too. Your advent posts are so moving. I am in awe of your spirit.

    Ms. Fleur- I'll even take both.

    Nicol- The roses are killing me right now, getting all their ya-ya's out before winter.

    Elizabeth- His mama and daddy both have beautiful brown eyes. He sees a lot with those eyes, that boy does.

    Lois- I am!

    DTG- You should come and kiss it! I am getting all his sugar. ALL OF IT, I TELL YOU!

    Mel- Aww, girl.

    Mwa- And so very much so.

    Screamish- Like I said- sometimes, it is IMPOSSIBLE hard. But you'll get through it and you'll look back one day and say, "Damn. I did something. I did."

    Stephanie- Now don't go running yourself down! You, too, are a beautiful mama. I love that Owen looks at these pictures.

    Bethany- I am beautiful with Owen in my arms. My heart is so lit up that it leaks out into my face. And Lily is my Lillian Rose and she IS gorgeous.

    Hockeymandad- And how does Angie feel about no more? Is she good with that? Y'all should never say never....
    We'll discuss over Yuenglings.

    Sally- Aren't they huge?

    Daddy X- Slobbery? More spit-uppy at this point. Slobber soon to follow as teeth begin to come in.

    Kori- I know a little of what you're saying, honey.

    Lora- Good! I wanted the mamas who are so firmly in those years to know that what you're doing is amazing and the glorious and that you will all look back on it with such wonderment.

  18. Sounds good. I miss "my" babies really bad already...

  19. Sweet.

    I can't get over how adult he looks.

  20. Hope I'm fortunate enough to be half the gramoon you are.

  21. It's time for me to enjoy this blooming instead of wishing it away, as I do some days.

    Thanks for your words.

  22. SJ- And I am sure they miss you, darling.

    Kathleen Scott- He seems so wise.

    Aunt Becky- Not to me.

    Michelle- TWICE. I betcha.

    Nancy- Oh honey. It takes years and years of perspective to have it all make sense. I promise you.

  23. I like all of this: the post, the photos, the comments. It is so important for us to be present with our blooming, our thorns, our worries, and our re-blooming. Thanks for all the reminders!

    My kids took up decades of my life. And now I absorb my grandchildren at every opportunity. I agree with you... this is why I came to this planet!

    And I love this last photo...Papa loves him too!


  24. Swallowtail- Hello! Nice to have you here! And exactly- some of us are here to raise the babies. And that is good enough. Papa DOES love that boy.


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