Sunday, December 20, 2009

Dreaming Gifts

I don't like to Christmas shop and there are many reasons but I think the main one for me is that I can't get the ones I love the gifts I would really love to give them. The fantasy gifts- the gifts that would say, "Here, this is what you deserve. This is how much I love you."
That, of course, is impossible.
But if I could- oh! if I could- here are some of the gifts I would give:

For my eldest, my Hank, I would give an entire set-up of everything he needs to write and publish his 'zines. I would give him printers and ink supplies enough for years. I would give him the computers (Macs, of course) and the cameras and the paper and the pens and I don't even know what all he'd need but I would give it all to him and also, a place to live where he could still watch the parades but have enough room to house all this equipment, all this joyous busy-ness of writing, printing, the smell of paper and ink, big windows so the light is always good or else it would be cave-like, whichever he wanted. That is what I would give to my son.

For my daughter, May, I would give hundreds and hundreds of yards of silk velvet. I don't know why but that is what I see in my mind to give her. Silk velvet because it comes in such jewel colors and I would give her all the colors, the teals, the rubies, the golds and emeralds and the silvery dove grays and the pure whites and the deepest blacks and cocoa browns and every color they dye silk velvet in. And the best scissors in the world for her to cut the velvet and silk thread in every color and so much of it that she would never run out. And a table big enough to cut the cloth, the bite of the scissor on the wood of the table through the honey of the cloth and she would cut it and sew it and yes, for her a room too, big enough for that huge table and for the best sewing machine in the world and pins and needles, the kind that Belgian nuns use or whatever is best. Windows, floor to ceiling and light that streamed in on her cutting the cloth and sewing the cloth in mindless ecstasy as she worked, her fingers flying and being kissed by the velvet as she did so.

For Lily and Jason I would give enough money that Lily could stay home with Owen and whatever children she has in the future. This would be Owen's present too- his mother. But I would still insist that my grandson come to stay with me a few days a week because he is the light of my life and I want him to know me and there is nothing more I want in the world than to know him every step of the way. I don't want to be a holidays-only grandma. I want to be a Wednesday afternoon grandma and a Sunday morning grandma and I want to be a for-no-reason-at-all grandma, just there, always there if he needs me, if he wants me for anything at all.

For Jessie- well, this is a hard one. She is already getting a mandolin handmade by Lon Williamson. I would think this is a dream come true for that girl. Right now she would probably ask for a donation to Oxfam in her name and I would gladly do that- enough to buy cows and sheep and goats and chickens for entire villages. Chickens. Chickens for the world. Is that okay, my Jessie girl? To give chickens to the world in your name?
I would do that if I could. And maybe, if I could find them, a lifetime supply of jeans long enough to fit your crazy-long legs. Yes. That too.

And Mr. Moon- that one is easy. I would give him a thousand acres which held streams and a pond as big as a lake to fish in and woods to hunt in and enough rocky hills to make that Tennessee boy feel at home and a log cabin with a front porch and a huge stone fireplace where I would sit with him, on the porch or beside the fire and a kitchen where I would cook the fish, the meat, and the green things we would grow on a sunny patch and a cozy bedroom where homemade quilts lay on the bed to keep us warm on winter nights. It would magically be in a place very close to the children but perhaps a place where it would snow sometimes. I love to think of that man coming in the door, snow brushing his shoulders, his eyes lit up with the joy of coming in to the cabin from the woods that he owns.

And that is what I think about, those gifts I would give my family, if I could. The material gifts. The gifts of perfect health and perfect love and perfect lives I could not, in a million years give them but if had the money, I could buy the computers, the cloth, the time, the chickens, the land.
If I could, I would.

And now I am off to shop for the things I can buy and they will be imperfect gifts in every way because there is no way I can hand my babies and my husband gifts that say what I want them to say which is this: Live your dreams. These are the tools or the time or the money you need to do that so LIVE YOUR DREAMS. Do it!

Because it is your dreams that make you who you are. It is your dreams that lead you on your path to the Divine.

Merry Christmas, my babies. My gifts to you will be imperfect but you are not. And in your perfection, in each and every one of you and in your gifts and in your dreams, I have received the greatest gift I could ever have.
The love of you all.

Thank-you. And I do not need or want another thing. Remember that. Okay? Just come and be with me for Christmas and we will celebrate this amazing thing we have which is all of us, coming together to celebrate in love, each of you my jewel, each of you my richness, each of you my blessing, each of you my heart.

That is all that I want and far more than I dreamed and you all have made that so.
You have made the very dreams I did not know I had dreamed come true.

I love you.


  1. oh, you made me cry again.
    God, I love how you write.
    What you say, how you love.
    the you that I know here.

  2. Me too, tears of joy and surprise, at the beauty of your words, the gifts you dream to give, the love you have for you family. Beautiful.

  3. I know I'm not in your family, and I do love my own, but I wish I were a little bird or something and I'd come, too.

  4. Ack. Wow. Tears for me too.
    I loved your imaginary gifts. I don't sew but you made the whole silk dream come alive in such a viseral way: "the bite of the scissors on the wood of the table"
    Your imaginings for them are gifts themselves. That you see them and know their hearts and dreams.
    I know you said, you don't need anything, but still, I couldn't help but wonder what your gift for yourself would be, BESIDES all this magic of family and love.

  5. make my heart heavy and happy....keep on ms moon..keep on... keep keepin´on...

  6. You're such a good writer, and I confess that on my bad days, I think, "I'll never write as well as Ms. Moon!) (There, I said it!)

    I would love to give my family everything they want as well. I can't ever fill them up as much as they've filled me.

  7. Dang Mama, you sure do write some lovely words.

    I love my imagined gift! It is perfect. Maybe to add to it, I would get to travel to wherever Oxfam is giving those sheep, cows and chickens and get to live in different places for a little while. That would be cool. Also made me laugh about the jeans. Maybe my solution is to just not wear pants and to start making my own skirts- or better yet, get May to make them. heh.

    I, too, want to hear about your own gift to yourself. I know you say you have everything, but it's still good to dream. right?

    Can't wait to hang out with you later! I love you, and thank you for the gifts that you give- real and imagined.

  8. If money wasn't an issue, I would give my family (kids and husband) a new house...yes, we just moved into this one, but I'd like to buy an acre of property with a house right in the middle.

    On the middle of the next acre of property, I'd like to have a house built for my parents and one for my brother on the other side.

    All the bills would be paid as far as taxes and lawn care goes for the next 25 least.

    Then, I'd like to have an open account or something where I could just walk into the butcher/produce store that is across the way from here and I could fix a big meal and the whole family would come over and we'd all feast on the fresh wholesome foods from that little market. ((I'd have the in-laws over for these dinners too))

  9. What a beautiful post. Keep writing it, from your heart, what you would give them. And you know, it might just show up someday.

    Love, Glim

  10. ps: i need those jeans too..i hate shopping for pants,,,its so frustrating when you are tall

  11. oh this was so soothing, so calming to read. beautiful. love is beautiful.

  12. Such a delightful post, Ms. Moon. It made me cry happy tears for the recipients of your bottomless love.

  13. Damn you're an awesome mama Ms Moon.

    I would give your heart weightlessness and peace.

  14. Thank you Mama. You give us the best gift anyone could ever want, my Love. We have you and each other. This was just beautiful.

  15. You summed it all up. I so resent buyingt all these seemingly meaningless plastic gifts, but like you, I can't give my babies what I would so love to give them.
    But, we do the best we can with what we have. And we hope they know our hearts.

  16. Meah, it's hard for us all. Being short and fat arsed makes jeans shopping a trial as well.

    Lovely post though. the acres and streams and fishes, and the jewel cloth. Lovely pictures.

    I would send a wind, Ms M, a merry little laughing breeze that blew away all your cares and anxieties and left you standing fresh and laughing and easy and renewed, on your green hillside.


  17. Meah, it's hard for us all. Being short and fat arsed makes jeans shopping a trial as well.

    Lovely post though. the acres and streams and fishes, and the jewel cloth. Lovely pictures.

    I would send a wind, Ms M, a merry little laughing breeze that blew away all your cares and anxieties and left you standing fresh and laughing and easy and renewed, on your green hillside.


  18. Very sweet... and sort of Christmas-ee even!

    I know you all will have a wonderful time all hunkered down and snuggled up in your beautiful home.

  19. Oh, I forgot to mention that Ceara thought Buddha having man-boobs was hilarious (as did I). She also thinks Bad Santa is creepy. Which made me laugh because, well, he is. What is that old 'out of the mouths of babes' saying?

  20. Deb- Well, I hope the me that is here is not too far different from the me that is real.

    Mel- I wish I could give those gifts. I really do.

    Elizabeth- You would be completely welcome in your full and real form.

    Jill- My family is beautiful. They are so beautiful.

    Danielle- What else can we do?

    Nancy- No. We all write in the way we write. We all have to say the things we think in the way we say them. That is each and every one of our gifts. And you said it perfectly there- "I would love to give my family everything they want as well. I can't ever fill them up as much as they've filled me."

    HoneyLuna- As I write this, you are in the Glen Den with your daddy and Melissa, drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies and watching Survivor because that's what your daddy wants to watch. You are so sweet and I am so glad you and Melissa are here. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I will remember that y'all are upstairs, asleep and I will be happy. I love you.

    Rebecca- What beautiful wishes. I would love for you to be able to give these gifts.

    Glimmer- Your lips to God's ear. And for all of us, too.

    Danielle- Tell me! I am married to a man who is almost seven feet tall! Levis, baby! They make 'em long. Special order, but still- they make 'em.

    Maggie- Yes. Love is everything.

    Angie- Wishing is easy. The reality on Christmas morning will be far from these wishes! Believe me.

    Michelle- And that is what I would like. You know me too well.

    May- Please- remember that whatever you make is what we will love. I can't tell you this enough. I often say that my house is really just a museum of things May has made me. Hmmm. That would be you. I love you, darling.

    Rachel- I think they know our hearts.

    Jo- And that is as sweet as sweet can be. I wish the same for you.

    Ms. Fleur- Yes. Indeed.

    Rachel- Ceara is as smart as her mama.

  21. Bethany- Somehow my comment to you got lost- I would like for myself what Michelle said. And if anything beyond that, it would be to somehow make a living with my writing.

  22. Love this. Your passion for your family is palpable.

  23. What other gift could anyone want, desire, covet, than the pure love you give so generously? Is there any velvet softer than a hand holding yours when you are alone? Any printing press that can spell I love you with the tenderness you do? any cabin in the woods that can hold the warmth as yours when Mr Moon comes through the door? Girl, don't fool yourself. They have everything any sane human being could possibly hope for: true, unconditional love with a permanency of life and death. The rest is just "stuff" and we already have way too much of that. All of us.
    What they have is what we all need. Just that.

  24. Oh me too ... if I could, I would, too.

    Lovely post!

  25. Lora- Well, as you know, they are everything. EVERY thing and all of it.

    Allegra- You're right. But oh, sometimes- I wish I could just hand them the keys to their dreams. But I know that's not how it works. And I have given them what I can because they have given me my life.

    Joy- Thank-you, sweetie.

  26. I wish I could buy Hank the HUGEST library EVER!

  27. Mama: I wouldn't give you anything, I would take away. I would take away the hot flashes and the aches in your joints and feet and the ghosts that grab you on Sunday mornings or when the lights are left on at night. And, when I am feeling like the world could use some balance, I would bundle all those pains up together and send them down south to a guy in Winter Haven that deserves such a gift.

    SB: only if you'll come over and enjoy it with me.

  28. DTG,
    For Christsakes, of course I would! That shit's a given.

  29. Aww ma! I love you so much. I know if you could give me your imaginary gift you would. However you have given me the second best gift in the world which is to give my baby a wonderful place to grow and learn when I have to work. Also by bringing him to me for break so I don't have to go 9 hours without him. I wouldn't be able to do this without you. Love, love, love you.

  30. Ms. Bastard- Yes. That would be awesome.

    DTG- I know you would and that makes it as good as it gets. I love you so.

    Lily- Nothing on this earth could make me happier. Love, love, love you too.


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