Wednesday, September 19, 2012

You Can't Make This Shit Up

It was quite some morning.
I took Mother to the doctor's office and the first strange thing to happen was that the receptionist, instead of being someone I would think of as a normal office-worker wearing normal-office wear, was a woman who would not, believe me, look out of place at a gathering of Dominatrices. I really was almost rendered speechless. Here it was, Wednesday morning, and this woman was wearing a red pencil skirt with a huge zipper in the back which started at the hem and ended at the ass and a black peplum shirt which hugged her just as tightly as the skirt and which revealed at least six inches of very impressive creamy cleavage.
Hey! I couldn't help but notice!
She was also wearing what I suppose one would call a very dramatic necklace, heavy in the metal, and those high-heels which are sort of like boots. But with laces and shit and open toes. You know what I'm talking about?
And she was wearing what I can only call stage make-up.
She had that curvy, lovely retro-burlesque Dita Von Teese look. But with white-blond hair, pulled back tight in a pony tail. One felt she had a whip or two stashed under the desk, mixed in with the file folders.
I mean, she was fairly gorgeous but A DOCTOR'S OFFICE! In TALLAHASSEE?
Amsterdam, maybe.


What can one do but go ahead and fill out the four pages of forms and hand over the insurance cards and identification cards and sit back down and wait to be called back? Which is what we did.
A regular-looking nurse in a regular-looking set of scrubs ushered us back to an exam room and asked Mother a lot of questions and then the doctor himself came in and if he looks a day older than he did in 1985, I can't see it. He started asking Mother questions and it quickly became apparent that he had no magic bullets nor magic anything and basically told her that if one is lucky enough to live to the age which Mother has attained, one must expect that certain things are going to occur in the body for which there is no cure whatsoever and no treatment, either. He informed her, after looking over her medication list that he himself is on more meds than she is and that everyone has pain and that it gets worse as we age.
He suggested she get a hobby.

As you might expect, my mother was NOT happy with any of this. Not one bit. No. She was not.
She was in fact, furious as we got in the car and drove away.

It was not a fun outing with my mom.
I could go on with details but it would not serve any purpose. It is what it is and she is who she is and that is not a happy person.

The doctor did see one drug on her med list which he couldn't figure out why she'd been put on but would explain the incredible amount of sleeping she's been doing. I don't know why she's on it either so I went down to the clinic where her primary physician practices to find out when I took her home. When the nurse came out to talk to me I was rather astounded to find that the new nurse mother had spoken of was, in fact, a former midwife whom I have known for many years who is now out of the midwife biz and is working in geriatrics.

I felt like it had all been a dream. As if yes, we do create our own reality and I was in an especially fanciful mood.

The dominatrix receptionist? The doctor who has not aged and who looks a bit like an old-world troll who was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and shoes the likes of which I have never seen before who told my mother that there was nothing for it but perhaps to get a hobby? The former midwife now the head of the clinic where my mother lives?

Well. One must wonder.

After all of that I went with Lily and Owen and Gibson and Jason to the  Costco where the Christmas crap is already being displayed. This engendered a discussion of Santa Claus and Owen announced several times that he has missed Santa "SO much."
God, child, haven't we all?

But it was fun and I felt myself coming back to earth after such a strange and strained morning. Here's a picture of my boys.

You will note that Gibson looks as if he has been in a prize fight.
Well, he has been and you should see the other guy.
Haha! Not really!
He has learned to crawl off the bed. Which is something you don't realize until the child does it and we've all been there. Lily feels like the worst mother in the world.
So please- would y'all do me a favor? If you feel like it?
Would you tell me (and thus, Lily) in a comment about a time that perhaps you turned your back and your baby or child did something that made YOU feel like the worst mother (or father) in the world?

Man. I'm just asking for all sorts of confessions here lately, aren't I?

To start off, I'll admit that one time I took a five second nap and Lily herself drank some cough syrup and I had no idea how much and took her to the doctor and they laughed at me and said that if she wasn't passed out, she was fine. I also let her get covered in red ants once. Okay, okay, maybe I let that happen to all my kids. One time I accidentally knocked May down into something at a store and she cut her thumb (I think) and I felt HORRIBLE! and the bleeding! Oh God, the BLEEDING! And then there was the time I gave Hank a pocket knife when he was sincerely not old enough and the time I accidentally spilled burning-hot honey on him. And then there was the time I saw Lily carrying around a glass that I knew I should take from her but did not and that ended up at the hospital with stitches. And then...

Okay. You get my drift.

If you feel like it. Reassure Lily that she is not the worst mother in the world. She was helping Owen brush his teeth when Gibson fell off the bed. This is what I told her: "Hey. You were brushing your other son's teeth. You weren't in the closet shooting up heroin."

I don't know if that made her feel any better but it did make her laugh.

And this is what a good mother she is- Owen keeps saying, "I so sorry the baby fell off the bed." And he is. He is the most compassionate, tender, loving big brother.
That did not happen through sheer luck.

All right. I'll shut up now. I should really stop writing here after consuming so much coffee. I'm still reeling from Dita Von Receptionist. Honestly, my description just does not do justice to the true inappropriate glory of that woman. And then a doctor telling my mother to get a hobby! Which is actually excellent advice.


Okay. I'm done.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. AS for the receptionist, I only hope she was young. It would so pathetic to see an older woman, like over 20, dressed up like that. Or funny I suppose.

    When I was still down in Poteau, I tried a new doctor but was getting upset with the way the nurse kept calling me babe, only to find the doctor called me "girl". As in "hey girl" and he didn't let up.

  2. What you wrote about that doctor before, and that you said you hoped he didn't run a gamut of tests, he reminded me of the ENT that worked miracles for both my kids and he is the type that knows right off if he can do something for you or if you should try XYZ. My point is, I thinks he's right about aging bringing what it does and about her getting a hobby.

    Now about being a terrible mother... each of my babies did the off the bed tumble and you absolutely do not know they are capable of getting themselves to and off the edge until it is too late. You learn and you don't leave them unattended on the bed anymore after that.

  3. i do not have stories, but tony does. he once covered the cupboards with crisco and flour when his mom was on the phone (around age 2) and then there was the times he put his sisters in the washer and dryer. we don't call him mr. mischief for nothing you know.


  4. Holy crap!
    ......and then you woke up????
    Ain't life WEIRD.

    Please tell Lily my older daughter rolled off the couch while I was trying to nap with her in my arms when she was just a couple months old. The younger one was found 1) inching along the OUTSIDE of the deck railing. 2) nearly inside an upper kitchen cabinet 3) standing behind me with a large butcher knife while I answered the door. God! Are we supposed to watch them every minute? Why, yes, we are. But it's a very big job.

  5. So now you can get arrested for not watching them every minute:

  6. Dear Mrs. Moon, I just started reading your blog and I KNOW that we are kindred souls. I've gone back to your first blogs in 2007 so I can really get to know you. I love your chickens, dogs and opinions on politics and "comb overs". Keep on keeping on! Kris (

  7. Stephanie- Yep. That doctor wasn't going anywhere with any of it. He had an explanation for all of her symptoms. And that was that.
    God. Who HASN'T let a baby fall off the bed?

    Rubye Jack- She was young. There is that.
    I wouldn't like a doctor calling me "girl" either unless I could call him "dude" or something.

    Mrs. A- I am not going to tell Owen those stories.

    Denise- I have frequently wondered how in hell any of our children survive. I mean really. It's a miracle.

    Stephanie- Bite my ass. Jesus. That neighbor needs to get a life.

    Kris- Hello! Glad you feel at home here. Welcome, welcome!

  8. Why did I think you finally decided to let the social worker take your mom to medical appointments? Was sorry to see that you got sucked back good seems to come of it. Except perhaps for entertainment value in the form of the receptionist, anyway.

    And please tell Lily that when The Girl was two, I stepped out of the kitchen into the garage for thirty seconds and she fell off the kitchen chair she was sitting on in such a way that she caught her foot in the back and broke her leg. And since I didn't see the fall, I had no idea her leg was broken until hours later, after the pediatrician had it xrayed 'just to be safe.' It's such a good thing that kids are less fragile than they look!!

  9. There was this one time when Isabella was about 4 months old and she had been sooo fussy. I had her on the changing table part of the pack n play and she had calmed down just a little bit and I took my eyes off of her to look at the television and she rolled over and fell right into the bottom of the pack n play and I felt just awful because she had FINALLY calmed down and now she was truly hurting and I fell apart and cried and she cried harder and it was just awful.

    Also, there was a time I left the hall closet open and that is where we keep all of the extra soap and stuff. Well, Isabella got into the liquid hand soap and it was all over the place. It was in her hair, on her face, all over her clothing and even in her mouth. I called poison control and they weren't much help.

    When something happens, I always tell myself that ...Crack heads and druggies raise kids who (sometimes) turn out just fine and since I'm completely clean (I drink Pepsi like there is no tomorrow) and do no drugs at all, I figure that I'm doing it mostly right and my kids will be just fine.

    ~~And didn't you, once upon a time, say that you didn't like word verification?~~~~

  10. Mama D- That was the eye doctor. Oh god. I let Owen fall off a tall kitchen chair once. He didn't break anything but he sure could have.

    Rebecca- It does always hurt us more than it hurts them. It's true. Soap is a favorite thing for children to do horrible things with.
    I do have word verification but if I take it off I get spam like you can't believe sent to my e-mail and I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT.

  11. I took the kid to school a private school way uptown and left him outside on President's Day. WTF? I had to work he was in the 4th grade he should have gone to work too. Some kindly neighbor picked him up and called me. Thank goodness.

    ps. Once you know back in the early 80s, I smoked a joint and neglected to pick him up from the baby sitter because I COMPLETELY FORGOT I HAD A CHILD.

  12. When I get over laughing at everyone's comments, I'll tell you that the day that you had today was frighteningly similar to many days I've had traversing the world with Sophie. Honestly. It's a weird and rollicking one, for sure.

    As for comforting Lily -- well, I took all three kids to the park one day when Oliver (the youngest was only six weeks old or something). I parked him in a carriage under a tree to sleep, was pushing Sophie in a swing and watching Henry run around. About a half hour later, I heard someone say, "That baby has been crying in that carriage for a long time, and I don't see anyone with it." I STILL DID NOT RESPOND BECAUSE I HAD FORGOTTEN THAT I HAD A BABY. Honest to God. Another choice moment was two minutes on the phone and Henry fed Sophie some of her medicine and ate some himself. We were transported by ambulance to the hospital with me praying that I had not killed him. As you know, all is well. He had to drink a Coke can filled with charcoal.

    Frankly, a baby falling off a bad is a rite of passage.

  13. I once sat with a baby while quite spaced out (me, not the baby) and she went slithering right off the bed. Luckily, her parents forgave me and anyway she's now a civil rights lawyer so no harm done.
    Your description of the receptionist, etc., all of that is so brilliant. You are sending me to bed laughing out loud. Thanks for that and smooches to you!

  14. Well, I can't contribute a bad parenting story, since I'm not a parent! But I will say that I've been surprised at the kinds of things I sometimes see people wearing to work. I think I'm just getting old. The dominatrix woman sounds like she would have been surprising to someone of ANY age, though.

  15. When my eldest Son (17) was born, I lived on a canal boat. I put him in the pram to sleep, under the shade of a tree, that was blowing in a gentle breeze . . . he was six weeks old. It was July and quite hot for England, but as I saw it, he was in the shade. Not so, he got burned (trees move, silly me) . . . Oh I still feel bad now. This was pre-mobile phones and we were in the middle of nowhere. We chugged on to the nearest village and called an ambulance. . . he was in hospital for a week, I sat with him terrified, too scared to sleep even.
    He pulled through and wasn't scarred. I've been so careful with my kids in the Sun since then, even under trees with a breeze!
    Fortunately this was pre-addiction days too, otherwise I'm quite sure that I would've been judged an unfit mother. Phew!
    Moving on . . . Sounds like a real "trip" to the doctors, I could see those people, for real.
    Another great post x

  16. Literally a week ago I had Josie in her portable high chair thing on the counter and she dropped something and bent forward to see it with just enough force to topple her STILL IN THE HIGH CHAIR off the counter and onto the floor. It necessitated a trip to the ER but she is fine. There was the time I was at the zoo with Owen and Steve and Sam and Owen just kind of FELL out of the stroller because I was getting a drink of soda. And some woman tapped me and said" Um,is that your baby on the ground?" Oh, and the time I forgot to buckle the car seat into the car and went around a corner and Owen toppled over...the list goes on. They are sturdy, and of course we watch them as close as we can and love them so much that it rips our heart out when they get hurt but as they say, shit does, in fact, happen. Lily is a wonderful mama.

  17. Our little Kale Chips Ahoy has taken a couple of tumbles off the bed, one when Grandpa turned his head for a second to grab something. That's always how it happens, you turn your head for one second! They're fast little buggers. I want to dress him as a prize fighter for Halloween if he still has or acquires another fat lip or black eye.

  18. Thanks for sharing everyone! I know everyone has their own stories of how their babies have gotten hurt, but it still is so sad when it happens to you. Love you mom for helping me feel better.

  19. I once was pushing Benjamin in his stroller (snap n go type) through the airport but didn't strap him in. Didn't notice till I got to the ticket counter that he had slid down to his neck under the travel tray. He was fine but UM. I felt pretty stupid.

  20. I think Lily is grand. Hell, she loves her babies. That's wondrous.

  21. I was at the mall with a girlfriend and my boys age 2 and 4. I had the 4 year old and I thought she had the 2; she thought I had him. Turned to say something to her and could not see him. Worst five minutes of my life! Looked right near us and did not see him so thought he might have gone up the escalator. Nope. Coming back down, I saw him part way down an aisle. I screamed out his name and pelted down to grab him. Still raises my blood pressure, and he's 25.

  22. Just chiming in to add that the first one of mine who fell off the bed left a hole in the wall. From his head. :\

  23. Lily, I had my son is a Little Tykes wagon and it was stuck on the curb so I gave it a yank and the whole thing flipped with my son in it. WHOMP! Right on the pavement! I was convinced he was going to have a brain injury!
    And when I brought my son home from the hospital and cut his fingernails I cut him and he bled. I proceeded to do the same thing to my daughter when I brought her home.

  24. I fell asleep while holding Raleigh, age 1, and she climbed down and hid in the lazy Susan cabinet in the kitchen, twirling silently and no doubt rubbing her hands in glee as I searched the entire HOUSE for her, thinking she'd been kidnapped by humans or abducted by aliens.

    I shook for hours with the ridiculous relief I felt when I found her hidden amidst the cake mix and Campbell's soup.

    I still haven't forgotten how long it took to forgive myself for that! Tell Lily to let herself off the hook.


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.