Friday, September 28, 2012

Shit! I'm Going To Die At Some Point!

I walked into the Glen Den this afternoon after getting Gibson down for a nap to see Owen standing on his head on the couch watching Daniel Tiger or whatever that Mr. Roger's spin-off show is. Which, let me just say, is an awesome show. I've only really watched it once but the message that it was pushing that day has stuck with me and I have remembered and used it more than once and the message was that when you have to go to the bathroom, you need to STOP whatever you're doing, go to the bathroom, flush, wash your hands, and go back to what you were doing. Because no one wants bathroom accidents to happen to them.
Mostly I think about this on my walks and because of circumstances I can skip the flushing and washing of hands but dammit, sometimes I really do need to duck off the path and pee and I now think of Daniel Tiger when I do that. And then I think about Mr. Rogers and what a saint he was and anyway, dammit, where was I headed with this?

Do you think I have early-onset Alzheimers? I'm a little worried about that.

Well, whatever.

It's Friday night and Mr. Moon and I have had a porch martini and I'm about to go cook our supper. I had a good time with those boys today and if I listed everything we did, it would take about ten thousand words so I won't do that but I will say that at one point I heard myself saying to Owen, "If you can't play by the rules then we're not going to play," and I just wanted to shoot myself but dammit, I meant it.
We were playing Candy Land. He wanted to only go on the red spaces because he is the red Power Ranger and I get that logic but this was Candy Land.
Candy Land.
So we eventually did get through an entire game (sort of) and he won so it was a good experience for both of us.

We play lots of games, Owen and I do. My favorite one these days is the one where I'm sitting on the bed and he's standing on it and he's holding his arms up and I say, "NO! Don't knock me over with your love!" and then he rushes towards me and knocks me over and I grab him up and wrap myself around him and we laugh and laugh and then he stands up and I say, "Help me up," and he does and then we do it again. Gibson sits on the bed and watches us. He is amused. Almost everything amuses Gibson. God, I love that baby.

So Owen was also playing that he is dying these days. He throws himself down on the bed or the floor and says, "I am dying!" and I say, "Oh, Owen. Don't do that. It makes me too sad," but he continues to do it and he lays still for a few seconds and then he jumps up with his hands facing outward and says, "I ALIVE," and then he grabs me and hugs me and kisses me and I tell him how happy I am that he is alive and then he hugs his baby brother (who is always right there beside us) and it's a freaking love-fest. I don't know what Owen really understands about dying. We talked today about how Buster is getting old and Owen said, "You need take him to the doctor," and I told him that everything gets old and that doctors can't do anything about that and I reminded him of Pearl, our old boxer who basically raised Owen and who died. I think Owen has a wisp of a memory of that.

I don't know what Owen understands about dying because I don't know what any of us understands about dying. Nothing, mostly. And that's why religion was invented. Mostly.

It's odd to think that someday Owen is going to have to deal with the fact that I've died. I mean, it's one thing to think of my kids having to deal with that, but it's another to think of Owen having to. I can't get all emotional about it, I'm just thinking that the reality is, it's going to happen.

Here's what I hope- that long after I'm gone he'll think of me and be flooded with the knowledge that he was so incredibly loved by me. Gibson too. And whoever else gets born between now and then. And all of my babies.

I'm not depressed at all. I'm just thinking of these things pragmatically and knowing that hellfire, it's gonna happen. So really? What I'm talking about is living in such a way that the babies remember how much you loved them.

All right. Time to make supper.

Yours truly...Ms. Moon


  1. To know you are, or were, loved - really, what more could anyone ask for. That's really all we need in this world.

  2. My goal is the same, all "my" babies in my life. Even if I just borrow them :)

  3. You said it there! I've commented about my grandma. About how my relationship with her was such a part of me knowing I was loved. About how you're giving that to Owen and now to Gibson. It is an awesome gift. I cherish what I got every day, and they will too.

  4. This made me laugh, then cry. I can't even imagine the huge expanse of love Owen and all your beloveds feel from and for you, if I can sometimes get knocked over by it, all the way up here in Connecticut.

  5. And that photo is so perfect and moving,
    Pearl at the end of her life looking out into the light, little Owen, so new, protected, loved, playing and living in the moment.

  6. My very amazing Nana died and I miss her but not in the same way that I miss my mom. With my nana I feel a great warm love with hundreds of wonderful happy memories.

  7. Sweetness. All that love from Owen, and you with the patience to play Candyland. I feel like mortality is my shadow these days. And it's okay.

  8. I love the title of this post. I laughed out loud. (LOL'd, if you like.)

  9. I realized that my new puppy was going to die before me and it broke my heart. THEN-I realized I was going to die and break my kid's hearts and that made me effing upset. And there's no help for it. None. Nothing I can do.

    I told a friend today that when I die, I want a big party and I want her to get up and tell everyone I was fucking awesome. I did my best. I'm doing my best.

    And honey, you've got some sweetness there down at the homestead.

    And we all love you.


  10. I'm sure whoever knows you; from Mr Moon to . . . well, whoever, will know that they were loved by you. Really, truly loved by you.
    Another "freaking love-fest in Lloyd" post!
    I might have another coffee and read it all again . . . I will.
    Thanks so much for your visit, you made my day x

  11. i love your dying self.


    my dying self

  12. Rubye Jack- To love and be loved. What more is there?
    Okay, maybe like curing cancer. Whatever.

    SJ- Of utmost importance. Borrowed babies need all the love they can get too.

    Jill- It is a natural part of life to lose a grandparent. This was easier to admit before I was one.

    Bethany- That makes me happy. It does.

    Birdie- See? That's how I want my grandbabies to feel.

    Denise- Funny. Owen was telling me yesterday that the shadows in his room at night scare him. I was amazed that he has already figured out shadows and knows, as we all do, that they can be scary. And yet, there they are. We grow older, we learn to accept them. Maybe.

    Steve- Well, it's fucking true.

    Beth- I want my funeral before I die. Hell yes! Why don't we do that?

    Bugerlugs- Thank-you, honey! I am so lucky to have all these people to love. To be loved back by them. To be knocked OVER with love. Repeatedly.

    Maggie May- And so we live and so shall we die. I think once we accept that (can we?) it is easier to be brave. I love you too.

  13. You're killing it lately. Thanks.

  14. Juancho- You have no idea how flattered that made me feel. So thank-YOU.

  15. That's the thing I remember most about my grandmother, that I was so incredibly loved by her. Owen and Gibson will, too; I'm sure of it. My grandmother didn't die until I was well into my 40's ~ I wish that for O & G too!

  16. I remember my grandmother well. She was much loved by me as was my grandfather.

  17. It's the love that never dies, I'm sure of it. Waves of love are just floating out forever and ever into space. Amen.

    Loved this post, and it's so strange, I had a conversation about death with my daughter. We were working on a genealogy chart and she said it's weird to think that someday, we'll just be notes on a piece of paper to somebody when we're gone.

    I said yep, like the song says, all we are is dust in the wind...
    but then I said, you know, it's part of the reason I wanted to have kids. I couldn't stand the thought of all those people I loved, my parents and grandparents ending with no one to carry on the genes. We all live on through the people we love, so I made some people.

    She liked that answer. I can tell she's going to be somebody's momma someday, one way or another.



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