Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Mothers, Turtle, Grand, And Otherwise
I do not feel grateful this morning. It is one of those hard mornings. The dreams. Oh, the houses. The children. The chickens are always in my dreams now. I dream of chickens.
I dream of houses untended and poor and I am in moving in and I realize that in doing so, I am giving up things but that comes to mean nothing, I am too concentrated on making the new, poorer house a place to live in to grieve the finer house I have left.
And there are chickens.
It almost seems as if every night there is a lesson I am supposed to be learning. Not always the same one.
I am a slow learner.
Back to town today. I am going to a midwife appointment at Lily's house. We will hear the new baby's heartbeat again. Then I am bringing Owen back here to play.
If I believed in a god, which one would I believe in? Great Turtle Mother is as close as I've come, probably.
Great Turtle Motherist.
I don't know. Hard to feel all cuddly and warm about a Great Turtle Mother but then again, people manage to feel pretty reassured by a crucified god. All that blood. How do they do it and why? I will never understand.
Well. This is a put-one-foot-in-front-of-the-other day. This is a do-not-question-just-move day. This is a swim-through-the-seas day. The turtle mother swims vast distances to lay her eggs on the beach where she was born, trusting there will be sand, trusting some inner knowledge that she probably has no conscious awareness of.
Yes. That will do for today. It has to. And I will hear that baby's heartbeat and Owen will make me laugh and the day will pass and then I will go to bed and I will dream again and there I'll be and here I am, swimming slowly but with my head up.
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Great Turtle Mother makes sense to me, I spent years privately worshipping a the Welwitschia which blooms in the Namib desert once a century. I thought I would die of thirst going to see this plant and we suddenly drove in the fog belt about 200knm from the Kuiseb River and there it was with its red cones of flower.ReplyDelete
The religious icons of the faith I grew up in are truly horrific when you consider them. A murdered man, pinned through his hands and feet to a cross, and now we drink his blood and eat his flesh and it always just really freaked me out. But I do feel comforted by the idea of prayer, and the practice. it's way scarier to me to think in the face of life's horrors, I can do nothing. Reminds me of that quote about the man praying to god to stop the shaking of his house until he realized that god was the one doing the shaking. Okay, this is so very stream of consciousness and I don't have a clue what I am trying to say. Mainly, I hope your day turns into one of those magical one. Love to you, friend.ReplyDelete
I felt uncomfortable with the bleeding, crucified Jesus who died for me. I felt guilt and sad that he had to die at all. I find my Higher Power in nature and in the vast energy that connects all living things--turtle mother, trees, wind, ocean waves--all remind me of a power greater than me. I am comforted by my smallness in the vast universe.ReplyDelete
I get your dreaming about chickens. I am always dreaming about rescuing cats. Go figure.ReplyDelete
I love you. Buck up little camper.
Syd, my husband also felt tremendous guilt as a teen about it. It's an interesting side effect of the story. Some people feel comfort, some guilt, I'm sure any range of emotions.ReplyDelete
Ms. Moon, maybe that heartbeat and that boy will slide you into a different mood. If not, I hope your dreams tonight are better. Crazy dreams can darken my day, too.
Turtles live nearly forever -- which could be great or terrible. Ah La -- as you say.ReplyDelete
I hope your day goes swimmingly.
And I think the gratitude practice shit is for the birds sometimes. Just sayin'
Hmmm. Syd's comment got me thinking. I do feel guilty that someone had to die because I screwed up. Furthermore, I feel bad that according to some I still keep screwing up. That is maybe fine if you are not a nice person but I sincerely do try to love and be kind. ^sigh* I don't know. *shrugs*ReplyDelete
When we were in Florence and touring the Palazzo Vecchio we kept seeing this charming turtle with a sail on it's back. It's meaning of "make haste slowly"....we just were enchanted with the art work.ReplyDelete
Dreams...so odd and frustrating at times...or that we wish they would last longer.
I love that picture of the turtle. It makes me feel happy inside. You know where I am with the faith question, but I love being here with you on your porch with your banana spiders and gray cats and smells under the stairs. I like thinking about the 'love' aspects of faith instead of some other gory descriptions. Kind of like the sweet smell of a new baby held close right after it's been born instead of the blood, goo, and sometimes poo of childbirth. All of it is love. At least the faith that I practice. Stinks that some folks give it a bum rap.ReplyDelete
Hugs to you, Sister Moon the Turtlist.
I've always assumed that the mental state of faith must be wonderfully calming and strengthening, though I never experienced it in the context of any religion. Your constant and vivid dream life---have you always dreamt and remembered so much? I think I need more sleep, perchance...ReplyDelete
As for great turtle mother (who carries her house with her) that picture reminds me of an old man in Nassau who was a turtle hunter. He'd dive down and ride big turtles up to the surface and somehow swim them to shore. Yes, we ate turtle soup. Conch fritters and turtle soup.
Life just doesn't seem to ever get any easier. I don't know why we are so programmed to think that it will , or is supposed to be or something. I once had a thought that if it weren't for my children and husband that would be crushed and scarred if I chose not to live I would have no trouble just checkin' out. Isn't that horrible.ReplyDelete
I think that I think too much.
I think that I'm very tired.
and that maybe I need to find someone who is having a baby , or a baby. because I'm tired of all the sick and the dying and the almost .
Mary LA- I can completely understand that.ReplyDelete
Angella- You have no idea how often I wish I had the gift of prayer-believe. Thank-you, sweet woman, for all of those words.
Syd- You are my brother.
Ms. Bastard-Beloved- "Little camper" made me smile. I love you.
Lora- Hell, I think it's all chemicals. But I certainly understand your husband's feelings. Thank-you, as always, for coming by and commenting.
Elizabeth- And this is why I love you.
Birdie- When you finally let yourself free from believing that someone died for you (hell- all of our forefathers and foremothers died for us), it is much easier. That's what I think.
Ellen- The turtle is an ancient symbol of god.
gradydoctor- And it is okay. You love with the love and so do I.
A- I would have eaten it too. Of course.
I will see ANYTHING Mr Depp is in, a toothpaste commercial, anything.ReplyDelete
He is yummy, so yummy I'd lick him all over.