Wednesday, October 19, 2011

What If It's All A Virus?

The sun came out and I went for a walk. That's what you're supposed to do, you know. Exercise.
I did it.
The air was thick with dragonflies, each on a mission of his or her own.
Yellow and purple flowers are blooming. These are the color of fall here. I picked a few and brought them home and put them into one of my favorite blue vases which shines like a jewel in the sun. I love colored glass. Cheap colored glass. Jewels you can use. That vase was in As I Am.
It held a potion.

Billy called me today. He told me about something that he'd done and he said, "If you tell anyone I told you this I'm going to say you're a liar."
And then he proceeded to tell me a completely hysterical story which started with the words, "So I found some of Shayla's jeans in the freezer," and went on from there.
I am not going to tell you the rest of the story but I did tell it to May and she laughed a lot.
Here's a picture of Billy I stole from the Facebook:

Is he cute or what? Handsome, too.
That's him at work. He works at the local New Leaf Market and he's in charge of wine and cheese or something like that. He's a manager of some sort. Every one loves Billy. You would too if you knew him. He makes me mixed tapes and shares his grandparents with me. He's married to Shayla who teaches "under-privileged" kids and who has red hair and they have a son named Waylon. Not only is Billy about the funniest person I know, he is also one of the smartest. And bravest.

The story he told me used the word "Bedazzled" in it too. That's all I'm going to say about that. I do not want to be called a liar.

So I went for that walk. I picked flowers. I saw dragonflies. I came home and picked up fallen branches. I talked to May and to Kathleen and Billy and Lily on the phone. I did some laundry. I took a bath. I read "Masque Of The Red Death out loud again. While I was in the bath tub. It wasn't quite as abysmal.

Mr. Moon came home and he was wearing a blue shirt and he is so handsome. Blue is a very good color on him. He changed into camo and went out to hunt buck with a bow. It is buck-bow season. There are so many different hunting seasons. I do not know why. Doe-bow, buck-bow, rifle-doe, rifle-buck, muzzle-loader this and that. As far as I know, there is not a season where you can take a deer in hand-to-hand combat. If there were, Mr. Moon would train for it.

It's been one of those days. One of those days where you get through it.
It's so hard to describe depression. And it is so hard to justify it when you have this jeweled, beautiful life. This BEDAZZLED life.
Look- depression has no desire to be justified. It just is. Maybe they will discover that it is a fucking virus like herpes and there are remissions and exacerbations. Maybe it only looks to be hereditary because you catch it a a young age from a parent. Maybe they will discover a vaccine. Or a remedy which does more than treat the symptoms. I think this is entirely possible.

Wouldn't it be a fucking RELIEF to know that it's a virus? Because no matter what they say- that mental illness of all sort is real and that no, you cannot control it with your mind, if you suffer from it, you think that surely you CAN control it with your mind. And then you feel guilty and weak and stupid when you can't.

A virus. The depression virus.

Someone should study this. Someone should get a grant. Maybe the reason that there's so much depression these days is because it's contagious. As in really contagious like the flu, not as in contagious like laughter or yawning.

Maybe I'm talking through my ass.

Well, the sun is going down. Tomorrow will be a different day. It will be colder, that's for sure.
Take care, y'all and as Mr. Moon said in a note he left me once, "Stay warm like the place I have for you in my heart."

Like that. Exactly like that.

I really mean it.


  1. i think depression being a virus is a fantastic idea! as with all viruses, at least we would know it will run it's course and be gone... and maybe they can come with a vaccine... flu shot - check... depression vaccine - check... wow... i think you might be on to something here!

    billy looks like he'd be loads of fun

  2. I love Billy.

    That note from Mr. Moon is just about the best thing ever.

    Here's to tomorrow.

  3. Dear Mary,
    I know I know very little about depression. I think that through you I am learning the multi-sides of it. Sometimes when I comment on a blue day for you I realize I may sound like I think you should just snap out of it and I don't mean to sound that way. I have not been depressed. Sad and down, yes, but not fully depressed. Just want you to know that I don't meant to sound like I know diddly squat because I know I don't.

    You know best how the day will go for you when you are feeling depressed. Your sharing these feelings is noble and I have to say that I do learn from your writing.

    Take care...and Mr. Moon better give you a big ole cuddle tonight.

  4. Sherri- I so wish. I SO wish.

    Stephanie- I am so blessed in my marriage and I know that. And in my friends, too. Billy- oh my. I keep trying to get him to start a blog even though he would totally steal all my readers. That is how much I love him.

    Ellen- Consider yourself blessed. I mean it. No matter what you have to deal with- at least depression is not part of it. I am glad for you for that.

  5. Oh my God, you fucking genius! THAT'S what it is, herpes of the mind! It's not my fault! I'm not a lazy good-for-nothing!I'm not a whining, sniveling, buzz-kill who just doesn't try hard enough....I have a virus!!! Thank you!!....I need a vaccine - where do I get the vaccine??
    Crap!...there's no vaccine.
    Well, I guess you'll just have to be my medicine MM, till they come up with one... wish I could do the same for you :)

  6. i wish depression was easier like a virus. i also know we are the way we are and if we didnt have their words as labels, would we not still be the same us?

    i am afraid to wonder how those rhinestoned jeans got in the freezer. usually that's a prank you play on the first one that passes out...


  7. Just to clear things up, shayla's jeans were in the freezer because she had a gummy snack melted in the pocket and thought freezing it would make it easier to get out. AND, she said she put them in there days ago and was just waiting to see how observant I am. Epic fail on my part.
    Marymoon, I love you so much.
    Love, daddyb

  8. liv- We are all each others' medicines. That's why we are here. Thank-you.

    Mrs. A- See Daddy B's comment below. That is my Billy.

    Daddy B- You. Have. No. Idea. How. Much. I Love. You.
    Start a blog, dammit. Do it.

  9. Billy is beautiful. And so is everyone else. Especially at the farmers market where they give you leetle pieces of cheese to try and caramels and bits of apple and pear. I don't even need to eat dinner. Just a box of raspberries on my lap. And a cat.

    XX Beth

  10. I want depression to be a virus. I have had it since I was about 3. My mom had it. So did both my grandmothers.
    Please, please, please tell about the jeans in the freezer.
    I hope Mr. Moon had good luck hunting. :-)

  11. I am so grateful that I don't have that virus, but I am sensitive to its corrosive effects as I have a little sister who has suffered from it greatly. My heart goes out to you nearly all the time, Mary, but particularly when the virus flares up. I know that there's nothing to do about that other than alleviating its obvious symptoms. Those ones down deep, that take hold -- well, I wish you strength as you continue to deal with them.

  12. How is it possible to NOT feel depressed on gray, windy days?

    Love the blue sweetie adores any type of blue glass. So beautiful.

  13. It is so very very cold here. And grey. I've never liked the winter- it makes me sad. I learned the other day that there is such thing as a Seasonal Affective Disorder- maybe that's what it is for me.

    I love blue. Blue is for the sky and the ocean and my overalls, and also my hearing aid. All the things that make me feel safe.

    I blogged about you, dear. There are so many things I've wanted to tell you about you that I finally decided to write it all down.

  14. Hi there. I loved what you said about taking deer in hand to hand combat :)

  15. Maybe one day there will be a way to alter the amount of serotonin. I am glad that Mr. Moon loves you as he does.

  16. I remember, soon after I met Billy, the day I realized he was the funniest person I'd ever talked to. It was when he told me a story that started, "I wanted a bike, so we went to the dump," and went on from there.

  17. DTG, I'm pretty sure that story started, "i so coveted the purple ten-speed bike that this girl I knew growing up's daddy had found at the dump since he drove a garbage truck, that I decided I had to have one for my own." But whatevs...
    And mm, no one would read my blog. I mean, except for you and dtg.
    Love, daddyb

  18. What is odd is that there are people who aren't depressed. To me it seems only natural to be depressed given the state of our existence and how none of it makes any sense, and those people who can make sense of it all are the strange ones. The question is how to cope with it more so than how to get rid of it. Writing is coping. Picking pretty flowers and putting them in pretty vases is coping and I think coping is a fine thing to be able to do.

    That is so sweet what Mr. Moon said. I saw you all coming out of the store today. This pretty older woman smiled at me who looked just like you and I thought ah, what is Ms. Moon doing in this part of the country. And right behind you was Mr. Moon smiling also. And that is how I cope.

  19. Depression as a virus = One Interesting Zombie.

  20. Billy has a blog with amazing pics and brilliant captions? Such a gifted family you have.

    Not nearly enough research has been done into depression. I don't have depression now but after my mother's suicide I couldn't eat or sleep or think of anything to say to people at all for a year or longer. The most crushing paralysis.

    I so hope you feel better tomorrow.

  21. Billy has a blog with amazing pics and brilliant captions? Such a gifted family you have.

    Not nearly enough research has been done into depression. I don't have depression now but after my mother's suicide I couldn't eat or sleep or think of anything to say to people at all for a year or longer. The most crushing paralysis.

    I so hope you feel better tomorrow.

  22. The way your life went gave you depression. If you analyze the word it basically means - de-press. Take away the pressure. So in fact depression is the minds way to heal and get better when life sewed on some nasty ears to a person... I know, small comfort but at times its good to know that depression can be a allie. Rock bottom is a nasty place to be in, but it has one big advantage: you can't go down any further. Accepting that you are rockbottom is the first step to crawl back up. Depression keeps ruling us as long as we fight it, and refuse to go rockbottom because it is such a shitty place to be in. Depression is full on war. You have to pass through no-mansland before arriving at the other side... Forgive me my ranting...

  23. Well, Billy had me at "If you tell anyone I told you this I'm going to say you're a liar." I've used that line for years, I got it from my Dad. Great minds....

    You are lucky to have such funny, smart and interesting friends. And such a pretty blue vase. And a husband who leaves such notes.

    I think there could be something to your virus theory - dormant with flares triggered by weather, illness or life. Science and medicine have barely begun to figure these things out. I've been thinking a lot about viruses here, since the kids keep bringing the germs from 2500 kids home to us, and one or all of us have been in various stages of sick for 6 weeks now. I want the bugs out of my house and out of my system.

    I hope your bug goes dormant very soon. I hope Mr. Moon gets his deer too. Hugs from here to there.

  24. Beth- Sounds like you have been taking eating lessons from Madame Radish King.
    Were you the midwife in my dream last night?

    Birdie- A gene or a germ. Whatever, it sucks. The jeans were in the freezer to get some gummy treat unstuck.

    Elizabeth- I am just so glad you don't have it. SO glad.

    Mel's Way- Tell your sweetie hello for me, okay?

    MurrBeth- You are glittery AND darling and sweet. Thank-you. And yes, we are all very sensitive to light.

    SJ- You always pick out my favorite parts.

    Syd- Maybe. Maybe.

    DTG- His stories are the best. One of my favorite things in the world is to listen to the two of you together. I laugh so hard I am too weak to get up from my chair.

    Daddy B- Uh. Let me be the judge of that. Plus- if no one read it but me and DTG, you'd still be making two people very happy.

    Rubye Jack- Ha! Was I short and he tall?

    Omgrrrl- Indeed!

    Mary LA- I am so sorry you had to go through so much sadness.
    And no, Billy does not have a blog yet. I keep prodding him.

    Photocat- I keep fearing that I am nowhere near rock bottom.
    Grateful, but afraid.

    Mel- It does seem to reflect a physiological disease, doesn't it? You would adore my Billy.

  25. I love a good-looking man holding a bottle of booze! YES.

    I also love cheap colored glass and dragonflies.


  26. Ms. Bastard-Beloved- And you ARE beloved.

  27. I would read Billy's blog! Me! I would! Although, if he doesn't want to write a blog he doesn't have to. We are lucky enough to "bedazzled" by him in real life. heh.


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