Saturday, October 29, 2011


Mr. Moon claims that I will not teach him to cook my recipes because I think that if I do, he will not need me around and will leave me.

We were discussing this with Lily the other night when she was here for dinner. She made the point, and rightfully so, that if Mr. Moon died, I would have no idea about the financial end of life and if I died, he would have no idea about the domestic end.

"Daddy, you'd have to move in with one of us," she said.

I said that he'd be fine and then he'd find someone to marry who would cook for him in about two months. "But not like you do," Lily said. "I see what people buy. Most people buy frozen meals and boxes of things like Hamburger Helper."

Well, quite frankly I think that Hamburger Helper is pretty darn tasty and I'm here to tell you that if my replacement fulfilled certain other criteria Mr. Moon would not turn up his nose at any of the forty (forty?) delicious varieties of Hamburger Helper but would tuck in to a nice big plate of it quite happily, especially if the woman made it with ground venison rather than hamburger.

That is neither here nor there but the point of my story is that Mr. Moon has signed-up to bring chili to a chili-contest thing on Monday at the bank where he works. White-bean-venison chili, to be exact, and he insists that HE WANTS TO COOK THE CHILI HIMSELF!
Mr. Moon has made chili exactly 0.0 times in his life whereas I have made it Gozillion point Gozillion times in my life.
Now I am not saying that Mr. Moon cannot make white bean chili. I am sure he can. The problem is is that although there is a recipe, I do not follow it exactly (are we surprised?) and that I add this and I add that and I do this and I do that and I'm pretty sure he wants to make the chili taste the way I make it and dammit, I just can't tell him how to do that. Unless I sit there and supervise the entire process and I sort of want to cry at the prospect. I have never had much patience in the kitchen and when people come over and ask if they can "help" I generally say no and not because I don't trust them or because I don't want to give up control of my kitchen but because it's just far easier to do it myself, except for with Taylor or May or Lis because they can do things better than I can and that's just the truth of it.

Well, I have a feeling that this is going to be a saga which takes up a good part of the weekend. And I already started the white beans because you know, they come in a bag and you have to boil them and I always add some stuff to them while they're boiling and he's already a bit perturbed with me because he wants to do this himself and really- he's right. I should just let him at it and let him follow the recipe because it's a good recipe and that's that.

We both slept horribly late for us today and it's already a strange day and not just because of that. The temperature is dropping like a rock and there's going to be about a forty-degree difference between what we woke up to this morning and what we'll be going to sleep to tonight. It is windy and I've already had to put on a sweater.
This is just fucking disconcerting. If I liked cold weather I would live in Alaska which I hear is about the most beautiful place in the world.
But I don't and so I don't.

Well, it IS getting chilly on this Saturday morning and already eleven o'clock and Mr. Moon is not out in the woods or on the water but right here and so he read me things out of the paper during my usual "quiet" time and I'm all discombobulated but I made him a nice breakfast because if I don't he will forget to eat and besides, I was about to die to crack that big brown egg and so I did. It looked like this:

I mean...WOW!
And I cooked him a little sausage and some toast and those eggs and they were almost orange in the yolks when they cooked and so I restored the balance of a few things, I guess, by making him some food to eat, even if I did fuck things up by putting the beans on to boil.

And the wind is whippy and my feet are cold and I might even go see The Rum Diaries this afternoon and I need to figure out where in hell I put my Goodwill cashmere because I am gonna need it.

And one more thing- if not for Mr. Moon I would be living in a cardboard box under a bridge or in a van down by the river and so perhaps he is right- I don't want him to know how to cook because he might leave me if he did. I am not saying I am the most mentally stable of all people here on earth by any means but mostly I think that I just want to cook for him because I love him and making him good food to eat which is good for him is one loving thing I can do which is tangible and positive and it makes him happy.

If there's one thing I know, it is that nothing in this life is as simple as it appears on the surface except for a very few things and even they have more shades of meaning than we may like to think.

And some of us think too damn much but we may be good cooks which makes up for a lot of stuff in the long run and that's just the way it is.


  1. Those last two sentences alone are priceless. Yes.
    Hope you find that sweater and enjoy the movie. I hate these big changes in weather, they put me off kilter and aggravate my joints.
    A pot of chili might just cheer me up, and for once, I think I'll try to make it the Mary Moon way, beans from the bag and the whole deal, except maybe the venison. Thanks for being out there, for giving me so much to think about on this chilly Saturday morning.
    ps I have serious egg envy.

  2. Cold, oohhh Mrs Moon, you haven't seen cold until it's been -5F for a few weeks (at its warmest!) Or it's only 10F and your power goes out for a week because an ice storm blew through town and knocked down 100 year old trees and with that all the power lines too.

    But yeah, I want some hens. I really want them and I'm always begging my husband...he says that city ordinances forbid hens but I bet they would let me have just two.

  3. One of the reasons I divorced my husband was because he would never cook for me. Ever. He didn't even know where the kitchen was and so I had to cook every single meal which is what his mother did. He never changed a diaper on our son either or gave him a bath or anything which was why I became a single mother when my son was barely two. But the story is long and convoluted and I am not one to be domesticated. I came here actually to say in a spooky deep Poe-inspired voice:


  4. Well, maybe there is hope for me. I think WAY, WAY too much...but I'm a pretty good cook. So perhaps I'll advertise myself on one of those dating sites THAT way :)

    White bean venison chili sounds sooo good! But no venison to be found around these parts. Post a picture when it's done - I'll eat vicariously today !

  5. Write your recipe down more or less, and leave the house for 5 hours. No shooting frogs, now ;)

  6. I love this blog precisely for posts like this. I laughed out loud and felt exactly like I was sitting cross-legged on your couch listening to you. The 0.0 times versus the gozillion.gozillion times was hilarious! Priceless!

  7. I have two big packs of venison and I just may fry some up today. I am healing well, did I tell you that?

  8. Oh...and I may email you tonight for some cooking help.

  9. This just made me think... your lines of : " If there's one thing I know, it is that nothing in this life is as simple as it appears on the surface except for a very few things and even they have more shades of meaning than we may like to think."

    It's not Sunday but Mary Moon is giving me my sermon. Thank you!!!!!

    Cooking? Oh my Love and I have totally different ways of doing this and as we get older the divide becomes greater. Which is rather funny at times.

    Me...I need to bake a cake for the dearest of dear for tomorrow. A good friend and my sister by marriage who is an amazing cook! Hope that cake is fine indeed.

  10. Saddest thing last night... I was watching a neighbor kid and his mom sent TV dinner thing with him and when he started to eat it he said, "you made it just like my mom. She's a good cook."

  11. After reading this post I have decided to make Chili for our dinner.

  12. Hey,

    Lily is right. He would not find anyone who can cook like you do! Angel biscuits... mmmmmmmm...

    Mr Moon makes a mean coconut cake... maybe he can handle the chilli challenge. Of course if you let a man loose in your kitchen, you will pay. :-)

    Harley and I stopped by to show off his spooooky ghost costume, but you were off mooning and Johnny! I hope you snuck in some rum and coke in a flask! I want a full report.

  13. Ps Those eggs made me think of titties! What the hell is wrong with ME??? :-)

  14. That is one beyoo-tifull egg!

    I like to cook with friends and to have them in the kitchen with me chopping and talking. My Mom would often be that person while she was alive and living in my town and those are warm memories.

    When the kids started to cook, though, I'd have to leave the kitchen or I'd have a hard time not offering advice. Maybe you could take a long bubble bath and give the Moon Man the run of the kitchen tonight? Sound like he wants to do it himself. And knowing something about the family finances might not be such a bad thing for you, as well.

    Hope you had fun at the movie. x0 N2

  15. Mel- Dang. It just thrills my heart to think that someone reads me and says, "I think I want chili too." Thanks.

    Rebecca- Marriage is all about compromise and if he doesn't want chickens then it's not going to be fun.

    Madame King- Mr. Moon finished cooking the beans and they are NOT BURNED! and you should see him change Owen's diaper. I divorced one of those men too. I understand.

    Liv- you can make white bean chili with ground chicken or turkey OR with soy crumbles. Still good.

    Jo- Originally, it was a Weight Watcher recipe, believe it or not. And no, we haven't shot any frogs recently...

    SisterGradyDoctor- If you were on my porch I would not talk quite so much. Is that sad or good? I'm just glad you come by.

    SJ- I am SO glad you are healing well. E-mail me if you want. I have no idea if I'll be of any help at all, though. I'll do my best.

    Ellen- I'm down to making cakes for birthdays only. This is good.

    Stephanie- God. That is super-awful. Lord, lord.

    Birdie- You can't go wrong with chili. Ever.

    Ms. Fleur- I am so sorry I missed you guys. And no, no flask was involved. Just vats of popcorn and diet coke.
    What's wrong with thinking about titties?

    N2- You are so right about me learning about the finances. SO right.

  16. Loving the change in weather. I am sure that Mr. Moon won't leave you if he learns to cook. He has cemented his heart to yours. I know that.

  17. I called Tay and read her the part about her skills, and she laughed. Love you!

  18. Syd- I think so too. And I am always beyond disbelief that it happened.

    DTG- I'm glad you did. It's true. I love Taylor and I love that I can say, "Why don't you cook the salmon?" How's the new laptop? Can you feel that your life has changed? I love you so...Mama

  19. oh you make me laugh with Mr Moon and the Hamburger Helper and then him reading to you from the paper. Why do men love to do this?
    Those eggs, wow.
    I hope his/your chili turns out fab.


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.