Well, it's been an interesting day, to say the least.
The "exam" was not really an exam but more of a weight check (bad but could have been worse), a BP reading (bad, but could have been worse) and then some talking with the NP. And then getting blood drawn for hormone levels, thyroid, etc. And I peed in a cup.
Not a big deal. Not a big deal at all. I bought some supplements there which are supposed to "even out my adrenals" and so forth. And then I got the fuck out of the office and was on my way to go buy some tomato plants when I started having a panic attack.
My adrenals were obviously not, at that point, evened out and in fact, dumped enough of their adrenalin juice to make my mind go so fuzzy that I knew I had to park it somewhere so I pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant where May used to work which is on the grounds of an old estate here, now a museum, and I called my husband.
I sat there and breathed and knew exactly what was happening and knew also that I had to let it pass and was wise enough to know that I needed someone to be there with me. If I hadn't been able to get my man, I would have called one of my kids and they would have come. But Mr. Moon, my knight in shining armor, my strong and precious love, came right away and he hugged me tight and said, "Let's walk," and so we did. We admired the wild azaleas and noted the blooming wisteria and found a very large Ashe magnolia and it all helped. He held my hand tightly and I kept breathing and my mind came back to me and I settled down and made him leave and sat there for awhile and then drove on out and did a few errands and came home without incident.
It wasn't so bad and I think that the Ativan I took before I left this morning helped make it a milder thing than it would have been without it. But I tell you what- I am exhausted now. I felt like I could have slept for a week and still do but I wanted to keep moving, which I did, albeit slowly.
The first time I ever experienced an attack like this, or whatever you want to call it, it scared me to death. Was I losing my mind? Was I having a stroke? Had I suddenly simply fallen into madness? Was I going to die? Did I really care?
And thank god, these incidents don't come often (the last one I had before this one was when my brother was here) but when they do, I know what's going on and that, in itself, is a huge relief. But it's still scary because I can't control it. I can ride it out and I know it will pass but what if it happens when I'm out somewhere and can't get to a safe place?
Yet another good reason to be an agoraphobic, right?
One of the things I did this afternoon was to go around and fill up the yard cart with fallen sticks and branches and I saw that the bamboo was starting to sprout. I kicked the ones I saw, preventing their growth in that spot at least and I noticed wisteria blooming up in the tops of trees. Violets are everywhere, the purple ones now, their pretty blossoms in and among the blooming oxalis which the children call "sour flowers" and love to eat.
Mr. Moon got a very late start to Orlando tonight and I worry about that but he reassures me that if he gets tired, he will stop and pull over to sleep a bit. I know he will. But still. I made him his popcorn which he eats one kernel at a time and two tuna fish sandwiches and a pear and some other stuff. He has a book to listen to. His Mondays are just such long days though. He gets up at six a.m. and goes to the gym before he even starts his regular day of work.
I've never met a harder worker than he is. Ever.
I'm going to go put the sheets I washed this afternoon on the bed and I intend to be in that bed before ten. I am going to sleep the sleep of the truly tired and tomorrow I am going to stay right here in Lloyd and hopefully work in my yard, tidying up and trimming palms and kicking bamboo and pulling some of the bolting greens in the garden. I want to take Miss Liola some eggs which I have a goodly plenty of. I am probably going to think about what happened to me today but I am not going to overthink it. I am also never going to be thankful that I suffer from anxiety but I am thankful that I have such support and love to help me get through the really tough times.
I want to remember that walk I took today with my husband, our hands clasped together, walking through the beauty of spring in a place where nature has been more encouraged than tamed, where my husband did not try to talk me down or use logic to make me better but just held on to me as we wandered slowly beneath giant old oaks which was exactly what I needed.
I want to remember that when I need help, I can ask for it.
I guess that's all I want to say now.
Let's all sleep well.
Love...Ms. Moon, the sometimes very, very vulnerable.