Monday, March 28, 2016

I'm Okay

Well, it's been an interesting day, to say the least.
The "exam" was not really an exam but more of a weight check (bad but could have been worse), a BP reading (bad, but could have been worse) and then some talking with the NP. And then getting blood drawn for hormone levels, thyroid, etc. And I peed in a cup.
Not a big deal. Not a big deal at all. I bought some supplements there which are supposed to "even out my adrenals" and so forth. And then I got the fuck out of the office and was on my way to go buy some tomato plants when I started having a panic attack.
My adrenals were obviously not, at that point, evened out and in fact, dumped enough of their adrenalin juice to make my mind go so fuzzy that I knew I had to park it somewhere so I pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant where May used to work which is on the grounds of an old estate here, now a museum, and I called my husband.
I sat there and breathed and knew exactly what was happening and knew also that I had to let it pass and was wise enough to know that I needed someone to be there with me. If I hadn't been able to get my man, I would have called one of my kids and they would have come. But Mr. Moon, my knight in shining armor, my strong and precious love, came right away and he hugged me tight and said, "Let's walk," and so we did. We admired the wild azaleas and noted the blooming wisteria and found a very large Ashe magnolia and it all helped. He held my hand tightly and I kept breathing and my mind came back to me and I settled down and made him leave and sat there for awhile and then drove on out and did a few errands and came home without incident.

It wasn't so bad and I think that the Ativan I took before I left this morning helped make it a milder thing than it would have been without it. But I tell you what- I am exhausted now. I felt like I could have slept for a week and still do but I wanted to keep moving, which I did, albeit slowly.

The first time I ever experienced an attack like this, or whatever you want to call it, it scared me to death. Was I losing my mind? Was I having a stroke? Had I suddenly simply fallen into madness? Was I going to die? Did I really care?
And thank god, these incidents don't come often (the last one I had before this one was when my brother was here) but when they do, I know what's going on and that, in itself, is a huge relief. But it's still scary because I can't control it. I can ride it out and I know it will pass but what if it happens when I'm out somewhere and can't get to a safe place?

Yet another good reason to be an agoraphobic, right?

One of the things I did this afternoon was to go around and fill up the yard cart with fallen sticks and branches and I saw that the bamboo was starting to sprout. I kicked the ones I saw, preventing their growth in that spot at least and I noticed wisteria blooming up in the tops of trees. Violets are everywhere, the purple ones now, their pretty blossoms in and among the blooming oxalis which the children call "sour flowers" and love to eat.

Mr. Moon got a very late start to Orlando tonight and I worry about that but he reassures me that if he gets tired, he will stop and pull over to sleep a bit. I know he will. But still. I made him his popcorn which he eats one kernel at a time and two tuna fish sandwiches and a pear and some other stuff. He has a book to listen to. His Mondays are just such long days though. He gets up at six a.m. and goes to the gym before he even starts his regular day of work.
I've never met a harder worker than he is. Ever.

I'm going to go put the sheets I washed this afternoon on the bed and I intend to be in that bed before ten. I am going to sleep the sleep of the truly tired and tomorrow I am going to stay right here in Lloyd and hopefully work in my yard, tidying up and trimming palms and kicking bamboo and pulling some of the bolting greens in the garden. I want to take Miss Liola some eggs which I have a goodly plenty of. I am probably going to think about what happened to me today but I am not going to overthink it. I am also never going to be thankful that I suffer from anxiety but I am thankful that I have such support and love to help me get through the really tough times.
I want to remember that walk I took today with my husband, our hands clasped together, walking through the beauty of spring in a place where nature has been more encouraged than tamed, where my husband did not try to talk me down or use logic to make me better but just held on to me as we wandered slowly beneath giant old oaks which was exactly what I needed.

I want to remember that when I need help, I can ask for it.

I guess that's all I want to say now.

Let's all sleep well.

Love...Ms. Moon, the sometimes very, very vulnerable.


  1. I had more of a feeling of being squeezed, getting light-headed and out of breath. My last time was in a Walgreens (after a doctor appointment oddly enough). I felt everything closing in on me. I dropped everything in my hands and rushed out to my car. I sat there with the A/C on high trying to talk myself out of screaming my lungs out. I tried to tell my friend what it was like, and she said I needed to 'just relax.' Unless they've lived it, they just don't get it. I'm very happy that Mr. Moon was there to hold your hand.

  2. I love you. And I love Mr Moon.

  3. I am sorry you had a panic attack, I surely know what that is like. I admire your ability to drive anywhere. I tend to avoid scary interstates and high bridges. I recently had my cousin tell me "you need to get over that". She had a stroke and breast cancer and I wouldn't dream of telling her to just get over it.

    You are also so very lucky to have Mr. Moon to come to your rescue. My husband tries but he witnessed the last time I had a panic attack and it just escalated and he took me to the ER. Gail

  4. What's wonderful is that when you ask for help, help comes.

  5. Catrina- Years ago my husband experienced something which made him realize what an anxiety attack can be like. I am so sorry that he had to go through it but he now understands. And he would never tell me to "just relax." He is my rock.

    Jill- Thank you. I am loving you back.

    Gail- He seemed to know exactly what I needed. And to be honest- I kept telling him that I knew what was going on and that I would be all right but that I needed him to just be with me. He understood. I am so blessed with him. He is learning how to be there and I so wish he didn't need to know.

    A- I know. It's a fucking miracle.

  6. Sometimes we just have to walk through the fire, yes? I am so glad your Mr. Moon was able to come to you.

  7. Anxiety and panic attacks are the worst. I'm so sorry you have to deal with them. I've suffered from OCD my whole life and a couple of times I had near-breakdowns. Once in my teens and once on my twenties. What I remember most about panic attacks is getting extremely light headed and dizzy and then the oddest feeling of being almost detached from reality for awhile. Terribly frightening. My husband was with me during the last bad period and I don't know how I would have survived without his love and support. Thank goodness these days I seem to have the OCD well under control with meds, but I always fear a recurrence and try to stay vigilant to see warning signs early. I wish you could find a way to keep your anxiety away, too. I'm glad you have Mr Moon to help you and love you.

    Tomorrow will be better. Sleep well, dear lady.

  8. I was worried about you. Kept checking and checking here. So glad you have a hand to hold, and understanding one. Panic attacks are a bitch.


  9. I was thinking about you today as I kept checking in and finding nothing today and then I remembered the appointment. My five year old boy is going through OT for food aversions and his therapist told me today that she thinks he needs additional help for anxiety. We witnessed him have so much panic over a grape and what you are describing was exactly what he experienced today. Thank you for your words that help me understand what my little boy is going through. ~Sarah from Columbus

  10. I understand what you went thru and am sorry. I'm glad Mr Moon could be there for you. I'm glad today is over for you. I hope you got more Ativan. I wish you had a Maggie, August or Gibson to hold you and rock you to sleep. Remember Owen's words about Love. I love you too.

  11. I'm sorry to hear about the anxiety attack. You did all the right things. God bless Mr. Moon. I hope you are deeply asleep this very minute, and that tomorrow dawns beautiful and calm.

  12. I'm glad you had Mr Moon to be there and that you came through okay. Hope you sleep well.

  13. I'm sorry that happened to you. What an amazing husband to have and so lucky you could call him and he could come.

    I've been fretting lately. My anxiety is bad just now, and the last time I had a bad attack was in the middle of a concert I was singing with the choir. It was around the time of the Paris attacks and I just lost it. I had to sit down on the stage or pass out. We are meant to be singing another concert soon, in a cathedral in Brussels. I'm having pre-panic attack anxiety. I don't want to stop doing things I normally do etc, but I can feel the fear building up already.

    I hope you got some of that amazing sleep. x

  14. Oh Mary my heart gates swing right open when you write of place when you describe your land in such exquisite detail. You have a real gift for it as I now imagine an American South that teems with beauty and lush and sweet babies to kiss and bamboo shoots waiting for your kick. And I'd like to kick those terrible anxiety attacks (and they are attacks as in aggressive and violent action against a person aren't they) and I'm so glad your Mister understands. Thinking of you this morning and love.

  15. well, crap. just when you think you made it through unscathed. but you know, it's only temporary, at least til the next time.

  16. Very important story, today.

  17. Ashely- Unfortunately, you're right. When it happens there are things we can do to ease it but it will not end until it is done.

    Jennifer- Yes. A detachment from reality. It almost seems as if my dreams are bleeding into my waking. It's horrible. Yet. We survive. I'm sorry you have to deal with this too.

    Invisigal- Your presence here, those words, just made me tear up. Thank you.

    Sarah- Oh god. I am so sorry that your little boy has to go through this. And sorry for you because I know you must care so very, very much. You are doing the right thing to get him help. Perhaps by the time he is older, he won't have to suffer.

    Joanne- Yes. What would I do without that man? Thank you, always, sweet Jo.

    Denise- I guess it just is what it is but it's so bloody wonderful to know I can call someone for help. I slept like the very dead.

    Betsy- I am and I knew I would be so that did help.

    jenny_o- I did!

    Mwa- Oh sweetie. How horrible. To be stricken while you're singing- so unfair! I hear you about the fear building up. Give yourself an out. Tell yourself you don't HAVE to go. And then...decide when it comes time. Is that possible?

    Rebecca- Yes, my god. They ARE attacks against us and we are vulnerable and cannot do a damn thing except get to a safe place and ask for help if we need it. I am SO lucky to have this man who understands what I need and yesterday was such proof of that and I not only got him but the beauty of this lush spring that I could focus on. The things growing out of the dirt upon which my feet were also planted on. I was literally grounded in it and his hand held me there.
    Thank you. I love you so.

    Ellen Abbott- Too fucking true, dear woman.

  18. What an experience and the relief that your man could come and stand by you. I am so glad you are well again.
    My last really scary one was during a flight - and I never had a problem with flying ever before and since, fingers crossed - when I wanted to get up and leave. My man not only held me down but whispered breathing instructions into my ear the way he did during labour. During sleepless nights this is the memory that gets me through.

  19. OK, now that I read this, I understand your subsequent post.

    It's strange that the panic attack struck AFTER the doctor's visit, but I suppose you had some pent-up anxiety stemming from that and it simply had to come out. It's a wonderful thing to know you can call someone in that situation -- and not just one person, but multiple people, in your case. As you wrote not too long ago, "We fall. We get up."

  20. Jo- It was a big deal for me. And I would hope that others who have experienced such an episode get some comfort in the fact that they are not alone.

    Sabine- Perhaps it had nothing to do with the flying but with the stress of the travel. Who knows? Not me. But I am sorry that you had to experience that and glad that your man was so there for you.

    Steve Reed- Yep. I held it together for the appointment and then it all just flooded me. I am so lucky in that I have so many people to call upon. And I know it.


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