No, no, not really.
But this is down-to-the-wire shopping because (don't tell May), I DON'T REALLY HAVE A MOTHER-OF-THE-BRIDE-DRESS YET!
Okay. This is what happened. I ordered a dress from the Sundance catalog. It came post haste but it swamped me. How did that happen? Well, I'll tell you- it happened because women's sizes are no more standardized than horse shit. Of course it also happened because did I bother to check their sizing chart? Oh hell no. Because that would have involved getting out a tape measure to use on my own personal body and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW! So I just ordered the large and it came and yes, it was large. Larger than me.
Which is somewhat reassuring in that I am NOT THE LARGEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD!
So. I sent the dress back for an exchange. Has it gotten here yet?
IT HAS NOT!
So today was my cut-off day to just assume it will show up before Saturday and I went out to try and find a back-up MOTB dress.
Not a regular mother-of-the-bride-dress which can look like anything from this
It's like the mother-of-the-bride is supposed to be really hot in a matronly way and fuck that. I am a hippie and don't you forget it and besides that, I am far from skinny.
Now those of you who have been here awhile have gone through this with me two times already. First for Lily's wedding and then for Jessie's. In both cases, I got dresses that were fine and even lovely but it feels wrong to repeat a bride-mama dress and besides, I can't fit into the one I got for Lily's wedding so fuck that idea anyway.
I could not bear to go to the mall so I went to the TJ Maxx and I went to a consignment shop and I went to a place I will not even mention the name of (Chico's) and they didn't even have dresses there. Then I went and got a chicken salad on sourdough sandwich and it was delicious.
And then, feeling stuffed and truly ready to FIND THAT DRESS I went to Steinmart and they had about a million cute dresses and none of them would have done for me.
Except for one I found which was made in India, of course, and it was almost semi-appropriate (although the check-out lady did ask me if the wedding was going to be held on the beach) and after sending a picture to Jessie and Lily who were tired of getting texts from me saying, "I am going to cry now," both said they loved it and to buy it.
So I did and la-di-dah.
By then I thought I'd die from exhaustion and frustration and went to Fresh Market where I bought artichokes the size of GIBSON'S HEAD and now I am going to cook them.
So that's what I did today and after half a beer, I am feeling much better about it all and more laissez faire (and boy, did I have to look up that one to spell it!).
It really wasn't that bad and I did enjoy eavesdropping on people's conversations, especially the older (OLDER THAN ME!) ladies in the Steinmart. Their voices were so sweet and southern and they were buying Easter dresses. I also saw a woman in the TJ Maxx who was about six feet, four inches tall who was wearing eight inch heels and she was GORGEOUS and an old white woman stared at her like she'd never heard of RuPaul in her life.
All right. This has nothing to do with any of this except that even if you are a matron, it might make you hot.
Watch until the very end because that is the choicest bit of all. And if for some reason you cannot find it in you to agree, well then...bless your heart. I feel so sorry for you.