Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Cursing And Caps

Oh my Lord. I spent the entire afternoon shopping. I did okay up until about the last hour and then I lost my mind.
No, no, not really.
But this is down-to-the-wire shopping because (don't tell May), I DON'T REALLY HAVE A MOTHER-OF-THE-BRIDE-DRESS YET!
Okay. This is what happened. I ordered a dress from the Sundance catalog. It came post haste but it swamped me. How did that happen? Well, I'll tell you- it happened because women's sizes are no more standardized than horse shit. Of course it also happened because did I bother to check their sizing chart? Oh hell no. Because that would have involved getting out a tape measure to use on my own personal body and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW! So I just ordered the large and it came and yes, it was large. Larger than me.
Which is somewhat reassuring in that I am NOT THE LARGEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD!
So. I sent the dress back for an exchange. Has it gotten here yet?
So today was my cut-off day to just assume it will show up before Saturday and I went out to try and find a back-up MOTB dress.
Not a regular mother-of-the-bride-dress which can look like anything from this

to this

to this.

It's like the mother-of-the-bride is supposed to be really hot in a matronly way and fuck that. I am a hippie and don't you forget it and besides that, I am far from skinny. 

Now those of you who have been here awhile have gone through this with me two times already. First for Lily's wedding and then for Jessie's. In both cases, I got dresses that were fine and even lovely but it feels wrong to repeat a bride-mama dress and besides, I can't fit into the one I got for Lily's wedding so fuck that idea anyway.

I could not bear to go to the mall so I went to the TJ Maxx and I went to a consignment shop and I went to a place I will not even mention the name of (Chico's) and they didn't even have dresses there. Then I went and got a chicken salad on sourdough sandwich and it was delicious. 
And then, feeling stuffed and truly ready to FIND THAT DRESS I went to Steinmart and they had about a million cute dresses and none of them would have done for me. 
Except for one I found which was made in India, of course, and it was almost semi-appropriate (although the check-out lady did ask me if the wedding was going to be held on the beach) and after sending a picture to Jessie and Lily who were tired of getting texts from me saying, "I am going to cry now," both said they loved it and to buy it. 
So I did and la-di-dah. 

By then I thought I'd die from exhaustion and frustration and went to Fresh Market where I bought artichokes the size of GIBSON'S HEAD and now I am going to cook them. 

So that's what I did today and after half a beer, I am feeling much better about it all and more laissez faire (and boy, did I have to look up that one to spell it!). 

It really wasn't that bad and I did enjoy eavesdropping on people's conversations, especially the older (OLDER THAN ME!) ladies in the Steinmart. Their voices were so sweet and southern and they were buying Easter dresses. I also saw a woman in the TJ Maxx who was about six feet, four inches tall who was wearing eight inch heels and she was GORGEOUS and an old white woman stared at her like she'd never heard of RuPaul in her life. 

All right. This has nothing to do with any of this except that even if you are a matron, it might make you hot. 
Watch until the very end because that is the choicest bit of all. And if for some reason you cannot find it in you to agree, well then...bless your heart. I feel so sorry for you.

Bruce Springsteen: 41 Years on Thunder Road from Phil Whitehead on Vimeo.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. I love you. I love your stories. :)

  2. This is hilarious - the amount of adrenaline running through your system when you wrote this is quite evident :)

    But after I stopped grinning at your writing, I could completely sympathize. I was looking for a MOTB dress two years ago, and had decided I could stitch two skirts together to make a wonderful little number. I ended up sewing them together BY HAND and puncturing all my fingers in the process. Then when it didn't actually look so great (surprise), I went out the week before the wedding and bought a perfect outfit in the last ten minutes before the store closed. And it was on sale too. I feel your pain, I feel your adrenaline, I feel your triumph! You go, girl :)

  3. OK That is twice in one day you had me crying. Oh Bruuuuuuuce. And yes the end is glorious. He is doing 3 gigs here in UK this year. All sold out by now l suspect and my health stops me anyway. My friend is going to all three. Will live vicariously through her as l do you my dear. Glad you got a frock despite the trauma. Maggi xx

  4. When I read your post yesterday about August's shirt I was going to ask you about your mother-of-the-bride dress but I figured you would you would have got one ages ago. Well, no matter. You have one and I would say that is all that matters but all that matters is your girl and her beau.

  5. This was hilarious. And that video? MmmmmmmmmmHhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm.

  6. This had me laughing out loud. You are so funny. I'm so glad you found the dress. I know you will be beautiful!

  7. Oh Mary, how did you know I needed a lil Bruce in my life today? Bruce and Clarence always set things back in balance. Truly, thank you!
    I so understand your MOTB dress dilemma, when my Julie got married last year on the beach and I was 'allowed' to wear white linen pants and a flowy peach Johnny Was blouse AND go barefoot, well, I think you are a kindred spirit in understanding the level of my comfort and happiness with that decision! I hope your lovely MOTB dress sways or waves, whichever you prefer and I am just so happy for your May, I know she will be a vision!

  8. You can make even an arduous, tedious task like dress-shopping pretty darn entertaining! (And I say that having never dress-shopped in my life, so I'm just using my imagination here.)

  9. well, since neither of my two kids had a real wedding that is something I have never had to deal with. son and daughter in law got married at the courthouse and daughter and son in law never bothered at all. but I have had to look for a fancy dress recently for that wedding last year. and yah, what's up with women's sizes? they used to be uniform until the American population got big but still wanted to wear small and petite sizes. I guess a 5 is now a 000 and a 14 is a 7. this is why I don't buy clothes on-line. or why I don't buy clothes without trying them on first.

  10. Bethany- And I love YOU!

    jenny_o- Yes. Adrenaline is my constant companion right now. Next weekend I am going to go to Dog Island and detox from it. I swear I am. Thank you for "getting" this.

    Ashley- Dear, HOT Bruce!

    Maggi- You should try with all of your heart and powers to get to one of those concerts. I swear to you- it will be healing.

    Angella- Well, at least it's A dress.

    Birdie- And I am old enough to realize that. Comforting.

    Elizabeth- In a week. You. Bruce. Awesomeness.

    Joanne- I have given up on beautiful and apparently have even allowed appropriate to slide by. Thank you, though, sweet woman!

    Angie D- Johnny Was is always appropriate. For any and every occasion. So sayeth me. I bet you were gorgeous.

    Steve Reed- But did you like the video?

    Ellen Abbott- I thought of you when you were buying that dress while I was out shopping. I am wishing to end up looking a thousandth as good as you did in your dress.

  11. I know what you're going through.....ugh.
    When I look back at the photos of my motherly wedding attire, I don't like either one. I thought they were fine at the maybe it doesn't matter.
    Good luck all the same. The you that's you will shine through.

  12. I hate shopping and my wife orders on line. We don't go to many weddings thankfully. Glad you found what you needed. I think a beach wedding sounds great.

  13. Women's sizing is *so* fucked. I have to talk customers off ledges all the time.

    I LOVE artichokes. Do you know some people dip their artichoke in mayo here? Do they do that in Florida?


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