Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Eternal Mysteries

I tried to post this morning from my phone but it didn't work and that's okay. The best part of it was this picture

and here you have it. 

I got to spend about three hours with Magnolia June this morning so that her mama and daddy could take Owen and Gibson to the doctor. The theory that all they had was a bug was becoming less and less believable as the sick-days went on. And guess what? They both have Strep.
I do think that Gibson may have started out with a virus because his cousin had it too. But then when Owen came down with a fever yesterday and then Gibson started vomiting...well. Time to go see the doctor and so they did and now they're getting their antibiotics because you don't mess around with Strep. 

So I got to hang out with Ms. Magpie and she smiled for me and chortled for me and fussed at me and we had bottles and changed diapers and outfits as was required and went outside for a little while. She loves the shadows dancing around her and the sweet breezes. She fell asleep in my arms and it was a wonderful three hours. 
Before everyone else left the house, I asked Owen if he thought I would do okay, taking care of his sister.
"Yes," he said, quite seriously. "But if you have any problems, just call us."
I assured him that I would. 
How I love that boy. 

When I was on Dog Island and Jessie was staying here she told me something that I already knew which was that my refrigerator really needed cleaning out. 
"You have three open jars of peanut butter in there," she told me.
Oh my.
So when I got home today, I did clean out the refrigerator and guess what? I had FOUR open jars of peanut butter in there. I have to keep it in the refrigerator or the tiny sugar ants get to it. And sometimes I just can't find the open jar and then I open another one and it goes. 

I threw out a bunch of stuff and cleaned everything and combined half-empty jars and bottles of things and cleaned out all of the bins and the shelves. Then I took the trash and recycle, including all of the emptied out containers and did a little laundry and so forth. 
I never did get to any ironing. 
The world will not come to an end, I feel certain. 
The fact is, I have come to enjoy ironing and I will get to it and it makes my husband so happy and he is a handsome, tall man who deserves ironed shirts and if I don't mind doing it and it gives me an excuse to watch trash TV, why not?

So. I have had several days in a row of almost no anxiety or depression. I am scared to say that out loud. Here's the crazy thing- I feel so good. 
Not just in the head but in the body as well. And I'm not nearly as exhausted all of the time and, truthfully, my mind feels much clearer, less muddied and muddled. 
I have often found myself apologizing for "anxiety brain" just as one would admit to "pregnancy brain" or "chemo brain."
I'm here to tell you that of those three, I know from personal experience that at least two are as real as my feet. I feel quite certain that the third one is too. 
It's such a beautiful thing to feel this way. Oh, sure, I still wake up with my morning angst. That's just me. And I'm still having the crazy dreams but they amuse me more than disturb me. I wake up from them more entertained than filled with horror. 
And although I do always take note of the beauty around me whether it is that of my grandchildren or my children or my home or these trees or the way the light moves around the yard as the day passes, it's like the filter that I have to go through to truly appreciate them is removed and the beauty goes straight to my heart. 
This does not feel like mania. It just feels like contentment and a sort of peace. 

I may wake up tomorrow and find it gone and if I do, well, there you go. 
But for now, this moment, I am certainly appreciating it. 

And if you asked me why this has happened, I could not tell you except to say that it somehow started on our ride from the dock to the house on Dog Island. I felt that familiar terror and my heart was beating too fast and my breath was starting to come ragged and I realized with such tenderness that my body was simply trying to warn me that I was about to go to a place where I had suffered greatly before. 
Suddenly, I truly understood this and felt calm and I gave myself a sweet little mothering talk about how smart my body was but that this time was different and history was not likely to repeat itself. And that was it. 

I sincerely doubt that I am "cured." Hams are cured. Kids are cured from Strep if they take their antibiotics. 
I am most likely just a little bit healed. 

And that is good enough for now. 

Okay. Change the subject. You want to see something crazy? 

That egg! What the fuck is that? I found it in the hen house when I went out to collect the eggs today. Not only do I not understand the shape of it, but I do not recognize the color of it. It is not the pale green of Miss Camellia's egg or the darker green of Miss Mabel's small pointy egg and it is not brown and it is not white. Who laid that funny, huge, ivory-colored, misshapen egg?

It looks as if it must have been terribly painful to lay it. 
And do you suppose those markings are a secret message? 

I do not know. 
I do not know shit about that egg or why I've had these sweet good days or how Owen and Gibson got Strep or why Maggie smells so good or why I go to sleep every night with Jack cuddled up next to me and wake up with Maurice in his place. 

It all just is and if it is not mine to know, then it is certainly mine to wonder. 

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. Maggie is beautiful . The curious case of the misshapen egg ! Looks like it hurt laying that egg ......

  2. What a wonderfully odd egg! I really appreciated the way you described needing to go through a veil to see the beauty all around, it suits. That baby is a blessing in her very being, and she is very Buddha in that photo.

  3. I reread and see you wrote filter, and there is the interpretation starting up, like in the game of postman!

  4. John Gray- I depend on you for egg and chicken knowledge. And thank you for saying that Baby is lovely. She is.

    Leisha- I know! Don't your loins hurt a bit, just looking at it?

    Big Mamabird- Veil is a perfectly good description of how it feels. Thank you. Remove the filter, flip up the veil. Either way.

  5. I love watching Magnolia June grow. Her little eyebrows and
    eyelashes are coming along! I loved watching that about our
    little Cohen ~ he's seven months old now and his eyelashes are
    to die for!!!

  6. I am grateful for the respite you are getting, for the beautiful girl who loves the breeze, and well-for you.

  7. Magnolia smiling!! So sweet and lovely! And the strange egg. I can't wait until you and John figure that one out. I'm glad you're feeling better.

  8. I'm glad those boys are getting healed of strep. I'm glad for all the healing going on.

  9. Maggie is adorable. Such a little girly. I loved every bit of this post, and I'm overjoyed that you felt good today and content. I hope tomorrow is the same!

  10. I've been pondering the same. I was going down one hell of a spiral myself, and now that our country has been hit with awful attacks, all of a sudden I'm coping fine and not hating everything any more. I'm trying to find out what it is instead of hating myself for being callous because that won't help either. I'm glad you're feeling better. And that is one gorgeous baby. I hope she stays away from the bugs.

  11. such a cute picture of Maggie. and it sounds like you had a revelation! and that egg, looks like it has stretch marks.

  12. LOL -- that egg is a little bit creepy. I think it came from a dinosaur. (Not so far from a bird, really.)

    I'm glad your moods have been better. I cleaned out our pantry the other day and found six open packages of couscous, so I know what you mean re. the peanut butter!

  13. oh the sickness. It never ends with those babies. I'm glad your Magpie was OK and escaped her brothers.
    I had a lot of anxiety a few years ago and went on meds for it and they helped and then after I stopped taking the meds and started to feel anxious, I could remember the feeling of not being anxious and that helped in some weird way. LIke I could remember my way home or something. I could remember the base, the peace, the feeling like an open window. I hope you keep feeling the open window. xoxo

  14. Bravo for contentment and peace!

  15. It looks like braille or Morse code on the egg. I'd guess extraterrestrial. I think you should hatch it and teach it to clean out refrigerators. (Send it my way when he's all done.) Also, can you really have too many open jars of peanut butter? (one for eating straight with a spoon, another for sandwiches, one for your purse and a fourth for emergencies and hot dogs. I do realize peanut butter on a hot dog sounds strange, [i thought so!], but since i've tried it, i miss it without. I put all the normal condiments with it too. I really don't know why it's not as gross as it sounds, but it works somehow.)

  16. Lulumarie- So are August's eyelashes. They knock me out!

    Ashley- Thank you. It was the best respite ever. I mean that.

    Joanne- We should incubate that egg. And yet, we won't. I sort of think something beautiful and weird would come out of it.

    Angella- Me too, darling friend. Me too. Thank goodness that antibiotics still work so well for strep.

    Elizabeth- Not quite the same but more Magnolia beauty. Which is enough and plenty.

    Mwa- I think that those of us who suffer from anxiety find actual relief when there is something real to be worried about. I'll never figure this shit out. Ever. So far, Magnolia seems fine.

    Ellen Abbott- Yes! Stretch marks!

    Steve Reed- I agree with you about the dinosaur thing. And wouldn't it be weird if we just cooked the egg into something as prosaic as scrambled eggs or a cake?
    I am grateful that you understand about the peanut butter!

    Rachel- I am going to try to. I swear I am.

    Jill- It was heaven. Pure and simply heaven.

    Ajax- Yes! I was thinking alien markings as well! And hell yeah- we never know when we shall need peanut butter to be convenient. Lord knows.

  17. Was there an alien in that egg?


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.