Friday, July 31, 2015

Breathing When I Remember To

Went to lunch today with Jessie, Lily, Gibson and Owen and then we went to Target. Jessie needed some things and wanted to scan some items for her baby registry and Lily and I needed a few things too.
Well, I didn't really NEED anything but I managed to spend a hundred bucks anyway. How the hell does this happen?
I took the boys off so that the pregnant ladies could ooh and ahh at all the baby things and I carted them off with me to look at bathing suits. I have not bought a new bathing suit in so long that I can't remember when I bought the one I always wear. I am afraid that at any moment it's going to do that thing where all of the elastic suddenly just goes and it will become a black hanging sag of a garment so I decided to get a back-up but I was not going to officially try anything on. I mean, forget it.
So I found a tankini and I tried the top on over my shirt and asked Owen how it looked.
"Good," he said,  barely looking up from the pictures of pythons on my phone that he was engrossed in. I looked in a mirror and it resembled something a dominatrix might wear to whip her paying customers in.
So I bought it.

Oh god. My shoulders feel as if they are strung with rebar. Why the hell do I get so tense before a trip? There's not one thing I can pin my anxiety on. It's just here.
I've cleaned out the hen house and watered the porch plants and written out a poultry inventory and drawn a diagram of how to use the chicken waterer for Hank. I have stopped short of drawing a diagram of how to use the dishwasher as well. The man has a genius IQ. He can probably figure this shit out.

I have not packed one thing. And honestly, I could pack like one dress and a bathing suit and a pair of shorts and a shirt and it would be enough. There's a washer and dryer right there in the cabana house because... of course, since it's perfect in every way. So I don't really feel stressed out about that.

I did go to the library and got enough books to read for a month. And by god, I'm going to read some of them. I want to read and rest and breathe and be. I don't care if I do one other thing. As long as I'm on the dock by sunset every night with a drink in my hand, I'm going to be happy. And I know it.
As much as I love my life (and I probably love my life as much as anyone living a life on this earth) sometimes, I just need to step out of it.
As we all do.

On the way back to Lily's house, Gibson had fallen asleep in his car seat and I said to Owen, "How am I going to live without you for a week?"
And he said, "You just broke my heart."
"Here," I said, reaching back to where he sat. "Hold my hand because I'm going to miss you so much."

And he did.

And I will. And his brother, too.

But we'll all live and I'll be a much better Mer Mer for having gone away and come back.

Tonight is a blue moon and tomorrow, when we get to Roseland, it will still shine bright and just-a-tiny-sliver-minus-full-round and I'll be watching it rise over the river I grew up on. I might take a late night walk down the white sand roads that will be gleaming on it and as I do, I might meet the ghost of a child who lived there long ago, whose soul was so worried and yet, whose soul was so comforted by the river, the trees she climbed, the jungle, the vast number of stars in the sky above her.

Like that.

Roseland is a just a full on magical mystery to me. Some of the worst things in my life happened there and yet, I still love it more than I can say.
Which speaks a lot about the place itself.

I'll be reporting in.

Much love...Ms. Moon


  1. Oh my! That angel broke my heart by saying you broke his! What wonderful, soulful grand babies you have! I hope you have a week of love and light and unmitigated happiness with your fella!

  2. Catrina- These boys are so honest and true and sweet and good. And yet, boys...
    They are my princes, my puppies, my precious grandsons.
    Thank you for your wishes. I think it could happen.

  3. Have great time ms Moon. Thanks for sharing the boy love...

  4. Holding your hand through the tense part. Soon you will be in the good part.

  5. Have a great relaxing time and do nothing. Ok, fun stuff. You can do fun stuff.

  6. Oh, Owen.

    Breathing is the answer. The world will just flow on around the anxiety, we have to remember that.

  7. I love your description of the bathing suit! Hilarious.

    You'll have a great time in Roseland as always. And Owen and Gibson and the chickens and your house and Hank and everyone and everything else will still be there when you get back. :)

  8. Your grandsons truly are soulful little boys! How blessed you are. And, here's wishing you Bon voyage and may the entire experience be both blissful and therapeutic for your own soul!

  9. I am fascinated by the places you find to stay in Florida. I hope that you have a great time. Looking forward to those photos of your abode. And the one of you in the new suit.

  10. This post just broke my heart with happiness.
    Have a fabulous time!!!

  11. i teach in a school about a mile from my worst place. maybe we are both trying to put some joy back into the system in our own ways?

    enjoy your road trip- be safe.


  12. Oh I love this post. I can so feel it right now, because even though I'm at home, I'm also having a wonderful break from the life I love so much I sometimes can't believe it. You know how to write stuff, woman.


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.