Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Don't Expect This To Make Sense

That is what my brain looks like today, only not that orderly.

Anxiety will fuck you up.

It's crept its evil little self (there's another word I want to use but I can't think of it) back into my psyche and I can't think for shit and I just want to lay down and sleep forever and I did take a nap this afternoon and I know I'll be okay but this sucks.

I spent most of the day in town with Lily and the boys. We went and got some papers signed and went and got our hair cut. No, no, I didn't get all of mine cut off. I just can't do it. Don't ever listen to me again if I say I'm going to, either. I got about five inches cut off and no one in this world would notice a difference. Lily got hers cut pretty short though and it's darling and I'm so spacey I didn't even take a picture but I will. We went to see our darling Melissa and I'd pay to just sit there in her presence and chat with her. I mean it. She's so precious and pretty and funny and smart.

The boys did their best to be well-behaved but as always, they were...boys. Melissa just laughs, though, and offers them blow-pops and tootsie pops and lets them play with her dinosaurs and they both wanted their hair cut too but today was not their day. They gave her hugs when we left and Lily and I gave her hugs too and I offered for her and her husband, our Juancho, to drive their camper to Lloyd and let that be their vacation.
I'd even let them use my bathroom. I'm serious. Hell. I'd make them breakfast.
Owen did say something while we were there that made my heart almost fall out of my chest. We were talking about Kool-Aid and I said I'd grown up on it and look how I turned out.
"Beautiful," said Owen.
Oh, but he's going to be a heartbreaker, that one.
After that, we went to the bank where Mr. Moon works and I watched the boys while Lily got more papers signed and when we were done, it was suddenly just pouring rain. Ten minutes before it had been sunny and lovely and then monsoon.
Florida. Jeez.

We went and had lunch and by then the boys were DONE and I was too and I took them all home and ran by Publix and got broccoli and cauliflower and lemons and came home and slept like the dead for over an hour.

I got up and picked figs and tomorrow IS going to be make-preserves day or I'm going to know the reason why. Then I picked the garden and gathered the eggs and now I'm going to make supper. Jessie and Lily had a plan to go see Magic Mike XXL tonight and wanted me to come. "We want to take our mama to go see some man meat!" Lily told her daddy in the bank.
We have a beautiful relationship, me and my girls.
But the movie doesn't start until 10:30 and I'll be in bed by then so, nope.

I still can't find my simmer mats and Mr. Moon even looked and yesterday I cleaned out all the areas I thought they MIGHT be in and this morning I tried to put a new plastic shield on my phone screen and couldn't do it and fucked it up and I want to take it back and I can't find the box it came in and it could only be in the trash or the recycle and it's not in either of those places but I DID find the boxes the simmer mats came in. Empty, of course.
I tell you- my mind is a mess.

And let me clear up something about my cargo shorts- I get men's cargo shorts. I don't have a waist and I don't have much butt and hips-forget about it. So they only come in waist sizes.
No, I will not admit to you what mine is.

I feel so stupid and so lame and so ridiculous and so...inept.
To sum up- crazy.

Going to go make venison meatloaf. Maybe that will straighten my crazy ass out.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. Something has got tilted, Mary. You're not stupid or lame. You're probably not even *being* stupid or lame. Inept is a feeling I'm familiar with, so I dunno.

    When you're feeling like this it's a sign to rest up and look after yourself, and wait til whatever is going on has gone on. Not to beat yourself up for it. It won't help. Give your ass time and space! Hugs to you x

  2. I'm sorry. The anxiety sucks.

    Were the too big shorts from the Goodwill? Maybe they were stretched out?

  3. I spent several days looking for my water bottle for running and told several people that it was gone and that obviously the ghost in the house (who has also taken a wastebasket and my favorite mermaid ring) had surely taken it. then I found it in the fridge and because it's clear I just couldn't see it. WTF. your simmer mats will turn up. (and I suspect there is no ghost in my house and I'm just really disorganized. the ghost is a better story.) XOXO

  4. Oh, Mary Moon. You are just so lovely and kind. You are such a beautiful soul. It is that lying asshole named anxiety that is telling you lies again.

    I do hope you find those damn simmer mats. I just may have to fly to Florida and help you look.

  5. You are beautiful as Owen says. How precious is that?? I hope your anxiety lightens up. It really sucks. Take the Ativan and stop the suffering. Give yourself a break from it. Says me. I love hearing about your outings with your daughters. It's wonderful to hear how you all get along so well.

  6. Well, my depression seems to be easing a bit. Today I got a steroid injection into my L5 for this damned sciatica. The anticipation of the injection (yes, I envisioned becoming paralyzed on the table and being taken by ambulance to a nursing home) or the injection itself (when I VERY loudly said 'a fucking 10,000 volts just shot down my leg'!) must have lifted it a tad. The good news is while he was there he gave me a shot of some pain medicine and told me to take it easy the rest of the day. So I can't be sure if my two-hour nap was because of the depression or the meds. Oh, and I don't care, either. As for that bitch anxiety, I have no answers. Just know you've got lots of folks sending good juju your way.

  7. For whatever it's worth, I lose shit all the time. But most of the time when I'm anxious and because I'm anxious, the fact that I've lost something and my brain doesn't work to remember or think or make words or let me sleep, seems to make it 1 billion times worse.


    Anxiety is a motherfucker.


  8. Yes! What Hank says!

    I'm not sure about Magic Mike XXL. The men look so large! I don't lik the big pretend muscles that mean that those men spend hours every day lifting blocks of lead while admiring themselves in the mirror. I'd still watch it, of course. ;-)

  9. It must be the new moon. Today I blame her for almost everything.
    And I think there is a mean imp that makes up cargo short sizes entirely on a whim and out of spite.

  10. well, I have to start packing for a week long vacation to be with my girl friends in Canada so the anxiety here is getting ratcheted up.

  11. We all see you so very differently...beautiful, generous, loving, kind...and we all add up to many more than you, so believe us...we are right :)
    Hope you have a much better day tomorrow, after a good sleep tonight!

  12. Jo- I am staying home today. I am glad of that.

    Stephanie- No. One pair I think from Old Navy, one from Target, just as the new ones are.

    Blue Gal- This is really bothering me. I swear- I am starting to think that it wasn't a ghost but just someone trying to make me think I'm insane who walked into my kitchen and STOLE NOTHING BUT MY SIMMER MATS! Or else I put them somewhere which I cannot even begin to imagine at this point because I have looked everywhere that would even make the slightest sense.
    To no avail.

    Birdie- I know. You are right. Do you think you could find them?
    Maybe you could.

    Joanne- My girls are the best! Except for my son, of course. I am such a lucky, lucky mother.

    Catrina- Oh, I hope those injections help! I know that sciatica is horrible. I've never had it, hope I never do. And yes, your mind works like mine. DIRECTLY TO THE NURSING HOME! Ha! And whatever causes our need to sleep- thank god we can.

    Ramona- It sure as shit is. It's a true mind/body fuck. I wish I had no idea. I'm sorry any of us do.

    Hank- And I love YOU!!

    Angella- And what I told him!

    Mwa- Of course I agree with you! And yet, I LOVED the first Magic Mike. Loved it!

    Sabine- Could be on both counts!

    ellen abbott- Why do we do this to ourselves?

    Desiree- I had a wonderful sleep. Sort of crazy dreams but not the kind that warp me all day long the next day.

  13. Take Owen's word for it. HE is correct. :)

    What the heck is a simmer mat? Obviously I need to catch up on your posts!

    And losing five inches of hair seems like a pretty dramatic change to me! Does your head feel lighter?

  14. Steve Reed- Well, Owen is a bit prejudiced. AND practicing his lines, you know.
    And no, my head doesn't feel one bit lighter. My hair was about two feet long. I'm not kidding you. So five inches isn't that big of a deal.

  15. I did love the first one as well, but the photo of the second looks like much more beefcake. And I'm not sure Matthew is in it. I will no doubt still love it.

  16. Okay since Blue Gal shared her story, I'm going to share mine. Just this week I spent two days tearing the house apart, searching for my key to the library. If I lose it I would probably get fired and I was getting more and more certain that was going to happen. I'd looked everywhere, including the bowl in my bedroom where I always put it, about six times. Then yesterday morning I got out of the shower, walked into my bedroom, looked at the bowl--and there it was. The hair nearly stood up on the back of my neck. It was so eerie. I still don't know what to make of it other than a ghost.

  17. As soon as summer end I'm going to cut my hair short and let it go grey. I swear!

  18. Something is just of and you whack it back into rights soon. You did turn out beautiful didn't you? And that child wasn't trying to be charming - he just knows it!

  19. You are one of the unlamest people I know. You are a warrior. That is your spirit.


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