Thursday, May 14, 2015

Mea Maxima Culpa

It's been an odd day all the way around.
I took my walk and when I got down by the horse farm, there were two people mowing on professional mowers, obviously hired to do the farm property. One was a woman and she gave me a wave and a thumb's up, the other was a man and he stopped his mower and indicated he wanted to talk. I took my headphones out of my ears and said, "Hey, how ya' doing?"
"You live in that house down there?" he asked me, pointing to a house up the road a little bit.
"No, I live in Lloyd past the light."
And then he proceeded to tell me that the man who lived in that house had threatened him and he wasn't even on his property and the mower guy asked the house guy if he was a racist and then the man threatened him again. He said the guy had asked, "What're you doing here?"
It was pretty obvious what the man was doing, which was mowing and probably not planning a home invasion.
So I guess it hadn't gone well and the mower guy had called the guy he worked for and told him about it and long story short, I ended up apologizing for the entire white race TWICE, don't ask me why. I just felt so beat down already. I told the mower guy that the house guy sounded crazy and that if he got threatened again he should call the police because you don't mess with crazy.
Meanwhile the woman mower had stopped her mower and was listening to the whole conversation, nodding her head here and there. I kept assuring the guy that I didn't know those people but that I was sorry it had happened, etc.
When we finally parted, I could tell the man was still fuming. I don't blame him.

So that happened.

Lily and I are good. Of course.

Lis is coming to spend the night. I have a chicken in the oven and peas and potatoes on the stove. I shelled about fifty thousand peas. They will be so good, I think. My best crop of peas ever.

It rained today. Good and hard and I laid on the bed and the thunder shook the sky and earth and I could hear the lightening fork its way through the atmosphere and Maurice came and found me and wanted petting and so I did and then we fell asleep for a little while, her body tucked under my arm. That was such comfort.

I think of that man on the mower. I know why I apologized for the entire white race.
Because he needed to hear that. He was hurt. He was angry. I think the guy who threatened him was probably at least as much crazy as he was racist but together they form a sick and poisonous brew. It was nothing for me to say what I said, the sweat pouring off my red face, my little dog fennel stick in my hand.

It seems a day to say Mea Culpa. 

Lilly the duck has been honking for her lover, her partner, her pal, all day long. Not continuously. But off and on, as if she truly does know that Willy is gone but wants to make sure. She stood by the little pond but did not get in. She merely sipped from it. My heart goes out to her.

I'm sorry. I apologize. I am human. I did not mean to let an animal get the duck. I did not mean to upset my daughter. I did not mean to be born white. These things just happened. Some of them more under my control than others. Factors involved in all. But sometimes it's just good and it's just honest to say, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for your pain." As so many of you have told me today.

Sorry can mean more than one thing. I have used it in so many forms today.

I am not sorry that it rained today. I am not sorry that Lis is coming. I am not sorry that all the rest of the birds are alive and well. I am not sorry that the air is cool now and that the earth is happy to be wet again. I am not sorry to be the mother of a daughter who is so very good at what she does, which is to be a mother and to be a friend to her mother.

We go on. I will too.
The frogs are starting to croak their joy at all the water. Lis has just pulled up. All of the chickens and the duck are safe and put up. I have given them the shells of the peas to dine upon.

It's been a day. Tomorrow will be one too.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. Good gawd. Crazy bad is scary. Thank you for apologizing for the whole white race. Sometimes we have to do that.

  2. What a suck ass day you have had Ms.Moon. Gah! You're in my heart right now. X

  3. I'm so sorry about the duck. Your friend. All of it. And sometimes your posts make me so hungry I can hardly bear it.

  4. I am glad Lis is with you tonight. It will be nice for you to have some loving company.

  5. "It's been a day. Tomorrow will be one too."

    Sometimes that's all that can be said. But you say it so well. Hope you have a better one tomorrow.

  6. Once a while back you quoted these words to me: you have done all you are big enough to do. Those words comforted me then. I hope they comfort you now. Love to you, dear woman. You have helped to heal the world in your own way today. Even amid sorrow. Tomorrow it all resets. Bless.

  7. I just saw the breaking news that B.B. King had died, and I came straight here. I always think of you when I hear of him or hear him. Today was, indeed a strange and terrible day.

  8. You continue to amaze me...I hope you have a nice evening.

  9. Oh, yikes. Clearly I have missed some developments. I will read on and catch up, but yes, life will go on. I'm sorry for all of it. :(

  10. Yes. What Angella said. We heal the world with kind words, listening, and love.

    You brought up a good point -- about the man being as crazy as he was racist -- I feel like racist people are all broken and crazy. To go through life with hate running through their veins like green slime...just crazy!

  11. No matter how good we are, sometimes apologising for our privilege is good to do. Shows we're not unappreciative of what we got. And also, I believe that your reaction will go a long way to cancel out the bad feeling left by the crazy guy.

    Green slime... good image. It's a scary thing, alright.

    Peas. I love peas, so much. They're a miracle.

  12. PS - every time you say you're going to spend time with Lis, I feel so glad.

  13. This post feels so hopeful, despite it all. God. I love all of it. Yes, hungry, like Rebecca said.

  14. Denise- I don't have any problem doing it. That's for sure.

    Camille- It had some beautiful moments in it. It did.

    Madame Rebecca- How I wish I could feed you.

    Joanne- So true. I was so glad she was here.

    jenny_o- It's just been one of those weeks. Waking up this morning to find that B.B. King had died. I feel very reflective today.

    Angella- I love you. Thank you.

    Elizabeth- You knew before I did. He died after I fell asleep, I guess. I was not shocked to hear the news but it still is sort of a big shot to my heart.

    e- We had a pretty perfect evening. Thank you.

    Steve Reed- Oh, nothing really tragic. Just life and how it goes. You know.

    Christine Dano Johnson- And I think that bearing the weight of racism can make you crazy. Much like bearing the weight of religion. Believe in crazy- become so. But that's just me.

    Jo- Maybe because my mother could never really say she was sorry, I have become the opposite and will apologize for anything I have done which has caused any pain or harm. Even if it really wasn't under my control. What can it hurt? Nothing.
    Fresh peas are heavenly.
    And every time I get to spend time with Lis, it makes me happy.

    Rachel- Thank you, sugar mama. Thank you.

  15. I'm big on apologies. Not constant but just, I let them out with ease. xo

  16. I have spent a lot of time in my life apologizing, and often it was about things that I had no control over. Things happen and sadly many are beyond our control. Hope your day got better.


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.