Wednesday, May 6, 2015

I'll Probably Live

Every time I come to my blog and see my header I think, "Time to change that bad boy."
I just can't seem to find a picture that feels right. I'll keep looking for something to take a picture of. Something that represents, oh, you know- humor, light, love, rock'n'roll, chickens, ducks, gardens. Etc.

If I could just get Keith Richards to come and pose for me it would be perfect. Bob Dylan would do too. Can't you just see Keith or Bob in front of the garden holding a chicken or two, guitar slung over a shoulder? I'm not asking for much. Am I?

So. The dentist. The lady who did the X-ray and initial exam said everything looked fine to her. Then Doc (this is what everyone calls him, I swear) came in and listened to my story and he looked at the X-ray and then poked around some and said that there's no infection, my gums look good, there's just a little pocket, a little bone-loss, and that I need to be even more scrupulous about cleaning that area and that salt-rinses are good and using the stuff that my oral surgeon gave me to clean the area around my implant would be excellent to use there as well.
So. I have to tell you that I took a Valium about forty-five minutes before my appointment and by the time I got in the chair I was thinking, "Oh shit. I have misjudged this. How the hell am I going to drive?" My head felt swimmy and my limbs were a bit numb. But the second I heard everything was okay, I felt fine and dandy and fully in control of everything again, just a little mellow. Let me tell you folks- anxiety can whack you out worse than drugs. I was seriously considering calling one of my children to come and get me one second and the next I was tootle-oohing on out of the office, not even thinking about it.

I drove over to Lily's and we took the boys to the Costco where I bought enough frozen berries to make smoothies for a month or two and a bottle of olive oil that should last me six months. We forced the boys to sit in the cart. Here is what they looked like.

They're pretty precious, aren't they? 

Speaking of Pretty and Precious, here's the chicks.

They are eating their egg sandwich. I hope I am not killing them with this treat. They sure do seem to love it. Mama approves too. They're getting their little markings and I'm hoping that one or both look like Elvis. I think it could happen. They both seem to have long necks so they could be roosters but I can't tell the sex of a baby chicken. My theory is that you can truly tell when they either crow or lay an egg. That is the definitive test. 

So. Everything is relatively back on track. I've got anxiety crash and feel a bit worn out as one does after one comes back from that crazy place so I've just been moving around slowly, filling waterers and making the egg sandwich and picking a few things from the garden. I can feel my stomach unknotting and my back becoming a bit less board-like but this process takes awhile. I point this out because it's a real true thing and if you suffer from anxiety and then have the great good fortune to come out of it (and of course, eventually, we all do), there is a recovery time,  because this shit is as physical as it is mental and that's all there is to it so be gentle with yourself. Don't try to jump back in and solve the problems of the world before giving yourself a little time to re-acclimate. Take a slow walk, go pull a few weeds, pick a vegetable or two.

Cook something out of them and eat it for your dinner. 
This is true for depression as well. It's all a process. When the light does become visible, don't run towards it, just trust that it's there and get your breath, your bearings, yourself back. This can take an afternoon or it can take a year, depending. 

Well, I sound like I know what I'm talking about and trust me- I don't. But I have found this to be true for me. Nature of course is my best healing agent but yours may be going to the movies a lot or doing yoga or taking baths or watching cat videos or re-reading a favorite book. I don't know and it's not for me to tell you.
Just be gentle and kind to yourself because after those times of feeling as if you are doing everything in your power not to spin into pieces or, well, however it is you feel (or don't feel as the situation may be), you will be worn out. 

Two steps forward, one step back. It can be like that too. 

Okay. I've about made myself cry again. Thank all of you so much for being understanding and patient and kind with ME. 

And if you happen to run into Keith or Bob (or Bruce Springsteen, for that matter), please send them my way so that I can take a picture. 

Yours Truly...Ms. Moon


  1. I just love you. That is all.

  2. That would be a great photo for sure.

  3. Birdie- And I love you too. I know that we share so (too?) much. It's hard. But we are who we are.

    Big Mamabird- Wouldn't it? Oh my god. Yes.

  4. I am thankful for the times you write about depression because while I am lucky enough to have escaped having it (it's above me and below me and all around me on the family tree), I have loved ones who you've helped me understand better.

  5. jenny_o- Thank you for telling me that. Love them. Just love them.

  6. " can truly tell when they either crow or lay an egg." This is why I love you.

    Take it easy through the crash. My quads always hurt when I'm coming through the crash.

  7. Of course it's your blog and you can use whatever picture you want. But I have to tell you, I love those little violets and will miss them when you change the picture

  8. Sweetheart-anxiety is a fucking crashing bore that wakes you at night and sits on your chest and pokes at you with a stick. I've wasted many a good sleep hour wringing my hands and talking to myself and tossing around the bed.

    And fuck going to a happy place. Anxiety just has to have it's way with us, it just does. And then it thankfully fades back into the corner until the next time.

    So glad you're feeling better.


  9. I am glad there isn't something seriously wrong going on with your teeth. And that anxiety, I know. I'm sorry when it comes your way and so glad when it passes. Many of us suffer from this and it sucks big time and luckily there are respites from it. You offer good reminders to go easy on yourself as it's so easy for me to berate myself for "wasting time" when I'm in that place and can't function normally. You are loved Ms. Moon and I hope you know that.

  10. Sending love. Lord, the boys are growing fast. Such sweet faces. Like Lily's.

  11. Ah Ms. Moon you are so wise. And they are precious. I did find it a little funny that you made the chicks cannibals so early in their little lives. I will remember your advice on acclimatising. I never thought about it that way, but it makes sense to me.

  12. Whew! I'm glad the jaw situation seems to be OK, or mostly OK. And I'm glad your tension levels have come down from the anxiety. I find that getting out and doing something -- ANYTHING -- whether cooking or gardening or just walking, helps when I am in any kind of negative head space.

  13. Denise- Amazing how physical it is, isn't it?

    Portia- That's nice to hear. Thank you!

    Beth Coyote- You are right. And quite frankly, mine is never entirely done with me. There are tolerable and intolerable levels. I am grateful for the tolerable levels.

    Joanne- Thank you. You are loved too. And yes- thank god for the respites.

    Angella- Aren't they growing fast? It was a task, getting those legs into those seats.

    Mwa- Well, yesterday's egg was a duck egg so not quite cannibals. Chickens love eggs.

    Steve Reed- You are right. Just get out and do something. It doesn't even really matter, does it?

  14. well, as my chiropractor used to tell me when I would get frustrated...two steps forward and one step back is still forward progress.

  15. I can relate.

    When I have to drive to my dentist - without valium - it's a miracle I actually arrive. All I usually remember of the journey is this ongoing chorus inside my head "the sky is falling, the sky is falling" and I always always sob.

    Well, my dear Ms Moon, you did it and you should be proud of yourself!

  16. very good advice, Ms M. Indeed.

    Those three should definitely come pose for pictures. I couldn't agree more.

    I LOVE the purple header, I'll be sad to see it go. It's so perfect, with the quote.

  17. i'm glad the dental thing was not what you were worried about it becoming.

    i transplanted a violet today and thought of your header, you have a knack for finding the pictures that speak a thousand and one words.



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