I just can't seem to find a picture that feels right. I'll keep looking for something to take a picture of. Something that represents, oh, you know- humor, light, love, rock'n'roll, chickens, ducks, gardens. Etc.
If I could just get Keith Richards to come and pose for me it would be perfect. Bob Dylan would do too. Can't you just see Keith or Bob in front of the garden holding a chicken or two, guitar slung over a shoulder? I'm not asking for much. Am I?
So. The dentist. The lady who did the X-ray and initial exam said everything looked fine to her. Then Doc (this is what everyone calls him, I swear) came in and listened to my story and he looked at the X-ray and then poked around some and said that there's no infection, my gums look good, there's just a little pocket, a little bone-loss, and that I need to be even more scrupulous about cleaning that area and that salt-rinses are good and using the stuff that my oral surgeon gave me to clean the area around my implant would be excellent to use there as well.
So. I have to tell you that I took a Valium about forty-five minutes before my appointment and by the time I got in the chair I was thinking, "Oh shit. I have misjudged this. How the hell am I going to drive?" My head felt swimmy and my limbs were a bit numb. But the second I heard everything was okay, I felt fine and dandy and fully in control of everything again, just a little mellow. Let me tell you folks- anxiety can whack you out worse than drugs. I was seriously considering calling one of my children to come and get me one second and the next I was tootle-oohing on out of the office, not even thinking about it.
I drove over to Lily's and we took the boys to the Costco where I bought enough frozen berries to make smoothies for a month or two and a bottle of olive oil that should last me six months. We forced the boys to sit in the cart. Here is what they looked like.
They're pretty precious, aren't they?
Speaking of Pretty and Precious, here's the chicks.
They are eating their egg sandwich. I hope I am not killing them with this treat. They sure do seem to love it. Mama approves too. They're getting their little markings and I'm hoping that one or both look like Elvis. I think it could happen. They both seem to have long necks so they could be roosters but I can't tell the sex of a baby chicken. My theory is that you can truly tell when they either crow or lay an egg. That is the definitive test.
So. Everything is relatively back on track. I've got anxiety crash and feel a bit worn out as one does after one comes back from that crazy place so I've just been moving around slowly, filling waterers and making the egg sandwich and picking a few things from the garden. I can feel my stomach unknotting and my back becoming a bit less board-like but this process takes awhile. I point this out because it's a real true thing and if you suffer from anxiety and then have the great good fortune to come out of it (and of course, eventually, we all do), there is a recovery time, because this shit is as physical as it is mental and that's all there is to it so be gentle with yourself. Don't try to jump back in and solve the problems of the world before giving yourself a little time to re-acclimate. Take a slow walk, go pull a few weeds, pick a vegetable or two.
Cook something out of them and eat it for your dinner.
This is true for depression as well. It's all a process. When the light does become visible, don't run towards it, just trust that it's there and get your breath, your bearings, yourself back. This can take an afternoon or it can take a year, depending.
Well, I sound like I know what I'm talking about and trust me- I don't. But I have found this to be true for me. Nature of course is my best healing agent but yours may be going to the movies a lot or doing yoga or taking baths or watching cat videos or re-reading a favorite book. I don't know and it's not for me to tell you.
Just be gentle and kind to yourself because after those times of feeling as if you are doing everything in your power not to spin into pieces or, well, however it is you feel (or don't feel as the situation may be), you will be worn out.
Two steps forward, one step back. It can be like that too.
Okay. I've about made myself cry again. Thank all of you so much for being understanding and patient and kind with ME.
And if you happen to run into Keith or Bob (or Bruce Springsteen, for that matter), please send them my way so that I can take a picture.
Yours Truly...Ms. Moon