Sunday, November 9, 2014

I Don't Know Shit Even More Than I Did Not Know It Yesterday

Supposedly Mr. Moon is coming home today. No, I trust he will. And then in four days he'll be leaving for Canada and will be gone for ten days.
As much as I love having alone-time, I start to feel as if I am sinking into mud and sloth. Let's face it- I am the sort of person who needs to have someone to take care of and honestly, the chickens and the cat don't need that much care. I am going to have to force myself to get out of the house more, out of Lloyd, in fact, and mostly out of my own head when he is gone.

I dreamed again last night that another tooth fell out. This is becoming so familiar. And the weird thing is how extremely realistic the feeling of the tooth in my hand is as I remove it from my mouth. And how yesterday, when that little screw cap came off, it was exactly the same.

Yes. I am a little worried that I am going insane.

Here's what I keep thinking about- the autopsy report for Robin Williams. He had no alcohol or illegal drugs in his system when he killed himself.
I don't know why but that information just keeps coming up in my mind like an annoying pebble in my shoe. I keep wondering- if he'd just gotten drunk and smoked some dope, maybe he wouldn't have killed himself.
Or maybe he would have. Perhaps if he hadn't gotten sober he would have killed himself sooner.
No one can ever know but honestly, it's not my business and I don't even know why I'm thinking about it, much less writing about it but it's a bothersome thing to my soul.
The human mind and spirit is a messy, messy place and we surely don't understand as much of it as we think we do, nor do we have all the answers we think we have and I'm fairly certain that there are more shades of gray than there are areas of stark black and white, right and wrong.

Well, here's what's making me happy this morning.

Trixie is singing her little crooning song and Elvis makes a good crow every now and then and all of them are scratching in the leaves, making a determined sweet rustling sound which reminds me that there are other beings here with me. I've spoken to Hank and Jessie and Lily on the phone. My husband will be home soon.

Good morning, y'all.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. There's something to be said for self medicating. I honestly believe it kept me alive for all those years before I was properly diagnosed. And maybe Robin Williams had meds for his depression but he stopped taking them because they took his funny away or made him unable to write or fuck or laugh. Maybe he chose death over the zombie that years of psychotropic meds can change you into. Who the hell knows.

  2. Personally, I think choosing death on your terms instead of facing into a debilitating illness makes a lot of sense. Not sure self medicating would have changed much there.

    Also, too much what if based on conjecture. We just ... don't know.

    That aside, I wish you could look after me! I need someone to feed me greens and provide company one walks and give me breakfasts :)

  3. I got all the molasses cake stuff. I'll tell you tomorrow how it turns out.

  4. Rebecca- Exactly. And no one will ever know. He kept it all inside of himself.

    Jo- Only breakfast on weekends! Unless you count smoothies. Which, of course, you should.
    And I walk ALONE but I would be damn good at the greens part. And you know- laundry and stuff.

    Mr. Downtown- Don't forget the raisins!

    Dear American Man- I am leaving your spammy comment because I love it so much! I am absolutely thrilled that you are boycotting American women. We would have it no other way! So, on behalf of all of us highly unchaste American women I say...THANKS!

  5. The human mind and spirit is a messy messy got that right, girlfriend.
    Mr. Spammy, I'm with Ms. Moon. And maybe you and all the other American men who feel that way should just get with each other so the non-American women don't have to be exposed to your bullshit!

  6. i am wondering if your teeth falling out dreams aren't because you're grinding your teeth at hight? Does your jaw ever hurt when you wake up like you've been clenching?
    I had dreams where I was eating my fallen out teeth for years (often when stressed) and really ground my teeth down.Now i wear a (very unromantic) but teeth-saving mouth guard. Anyway worth asking your dentist. He can tell by the wear on your teeth if you are grinding.
    Long time reader but never commented. i enjoy your take on life!

  7. What a fabulous portrait of your chickens! They look like they are posing for you! And I guffawed when I saw you left up the spammy American man comment. I got it too and promptly deleted it, but what you did is so much better! Yes, he is doing us all a favor that is for sure! xo

  8. You know, all things in moderation. A little drink now and then does a body (and a mind) good, to my way of thinking.

  9. Like your comment to Boycott American Women.

    I surely don't know why someone decides on suicide but I suppose that it is because life has become intolerable. And perhaps death just seems the best way. What do I know? I choose life for today but maybe if I were sick and tired, I would not.


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.