I told her, "Look, I feel like crying. I don't think supplements are what I need right now."
Honestly, people who have never experienced this sort of panic/anxiety/terror, have no fucking idea. None. Sure. Take some Tryptophan. Try a little kava, a little B12, a little fish oil, green tea, regular exercise, get outside in nature, get some Vitamin D... oh hell.
I need chemicals that will re-rewire this brain which is firing off its own chemicals that are wrong and toxic and take away my ability to think, to function except on a soldier- like level.
I can get some shit done when I'm in the anxiety mode. Clean toilets, wash rugs, take fast walks, scrub floors, glue things that have needed gluing forever, do laundry, do whatever I can do to keep moving; if I sit down my legs bounce up and down, I jitter, I feel like a live wire stretched between two towers, humming and thrumming in the shimmery air, my shoulders right now could double as a cement wall, a supporting wall, they are up into my ears, they ache with fire if I take the time to think about it.
But. Dammit. Thank the universe (and one of you knows who I'm talking about) that I had the Xanax and I've increased the antidepressant dosage and I wasn't a bad grandmother. I was not. I read Gibson books and played games with Owen and pushed Gibson on the swing and played animals on the bed and we had a picnic
Tomorrow I leave for Apalachicola. I keep dreaming that I am moving into houses that are not beautiful, that require cleaning out of junk and debris. That the floors are missing huge hunks. That rotten hidden doors lead to creepy passages into falling-down staircases. That I will not have a place for my chickens.
I keep saying, "How can I live without my chickens?"
I will not have my chickens in Apalachicola. Will I be okay? Will I manage to imitate a normal human being to the point where I am believed? What will I do without laundry to wash and dry and fold? Without a floor to sweep? Without meals to cook and a routine to follow?
Lily said she'd like to bring the boys down one day to visit while we're there and that gave me so much relief. If there is one thing in this world I am sure of, it is that of my role as a grandmother.
We shall see.
The sky is darkening, the children from the church next door are outside playing. The big chickens have set themselves up in their roosts. I can still hear the babies peeping as they take their last food and water before bed. I will wash the dishes from today. I will tidy up the house.
I will enfold myself into the envelope of my covers and mail myself into sleep.
I will hope for better tomorrow.
I feel like an asshole, a fool, a defective human being.
The Tung Trees are starting to bloom. Tomorrow I will drive to the coast. We are staying in a beautiful place. I am the luckiest woman in the world.
I kissed my grandsons today as much as they would let me. Gibson got some of my gugga from my neck. I will see my husband tomorrow.
I am holding on. I am pulling my shoulders out of my ears. I am waiting for the first distant call of the Chucks-Widow's-Will.
I am here. I am here. I know I am here. Somewhere.