Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Babies and Drunks

I know it's been said before but it bears repeating- babies, toddlers and young children are very much like drunks and spending a great deal of time with the aforementioned babies, toddlers, and young children is not unlike hanging out with drunks when you yourself are not drunk, nay, sober as a judge in fact.
(Actually, the only judge I personally knows does like a drink but not while he's working.)
Anyway, think about it.
Babies and kids drop things all the time. You know how some people come over and you do not give them the good wine glass? I mean, you just know it's going to hit the floor at some point over the evening. (And please, trust me- I've dropped my share of martini glasses.)
Yeah. You don't give a child his juice in your best crystal. Before they drop the glass though, they spill whatever was in it. Down the front of themselves. Onto the floor in a wash of sugary substance that's going to take some work to get rid of and you're probably going to be sticking to the floor as you walk and that's just the way it is.
Children eat like drunks. Sloppily. Half the food never makes it to their mouths. They slobber and chew with their mouths open and talk and scream too, while they're eating.
Like drunks.
Children also believe, as do many people who are intoxicated, that they can do ANYTHING. Children think they can jump off the kitchen porch without injuring themselves and drunks think they can drive just fine. Children are also pretty sure that you don't know what you're talking about but that they do. And logic has absolutely nothing to do with any of it. Just keep saying the same thing, over and over and louder and louder and eventually, you, the adult/sober person will understand the truth of the matter.
Babies and drunks also fall down a lot.  Luckily for babies, they're pretty flexible.
Babies and drunks like to register their complaints and discomforts loudly and demand immediate attention to remedy the problem.
Babies and drunks cry at the drop of a hat.
Children and drunks don't always hit the toilet. Any woman who has been employed in a bar and who has had to mop the restrooms is well prepared for toilet training when she has children.
Babies, children, and drunks don't have the inhibitions that sober adults have as pertains to what is and is not appropriate clothing or lack thereof. Or, to be truthful, as pertains to what and what is not appropriate to say.
Babies and drunks throw up frequently.

Should I go on?

Nah. It's just something I was thinking about today.

Okay- here's one more. Drunks and babies and children will pass out. Often times while eating.

Of course, one could also compare babies and old people too but as Mr. Moon so often says, "I resemble that."

Maybe I'll just be a drunk old person, go for it, shoot the damn moon, annoy the shit out of everyone by dropping things and falling down and spilling stuff all over myself and being whiny and demanding and loud and weeping a lot. As I've so often said, I'll be sitting on my front porch wearing a ratty, stained slip and drinking gin from a mason jar and yelling at people as they pass by.
Someone will lead me to the potty and feed me applesauce, surely.


God, I hope so should some miracle occur and I live that long.

Time will tell. I need to start buying slips. I already have the mason jars. Enough for plenty of breakage.

Yours truly...Ms. Moon

P.S. The boys were really good today and hardly did anything that I have described above. Just wanted to make that clear. But I probably should mop the bathroom.


  1. I'm back to drinking more wine at night than is prudent. Last night I fell asleep reading my iPhone in bed and dropped it right into my eye. Kinda like a drunken baby. If I give myself a shiner doing that, I need a good alibi.

  2. Denise- Why can't we just say, "I needed a stronger dosage last night?" and fuck the alibi?

  3. Ha! I remember Johnny Depp describing his 18 month old as a very small drunk on David Letterman . Made sense then makes sense now.

  4. Madame Rebecca- Yes. I think I remember that. And it is so true.

    Elizabeth- At least babies can be sweet drunks. And affectionate ones as well.

  5. Maybe that's why babies and grandmas get along so well! You know, they both wobble when they waddle!
    I just read a news report yesterday that said drinking alcohol will give you cancer as much as smoking will. Wine is my last vice and I'm not giving it up.
    (Spoken like a true drunken baby.)

  6. You have to turn this into a children's book. You just need someone to illustrate it for you.

    Babies and drunks also fall down a lot. Luckily for babies, they're pretty flexible.

    Babies and drunks cry at the drop of a hat.

    Children and drunks don't always hit the toilet.

    Can you imagine pictures for each one? Parents could read it to their children at bedtime.

    Drunks and babies and children will pass out. Often times while eating.

    Or maybe not. I got about 4 hours of sleep last night and like a drunk and a child, I am not thinking rationally.

  7. heartinhand- You can find a study to prove anydamnthing. I swear.

    Birdie- Or it could be one of those not-for-children's books like Go The Fuck To Sleep. Which I love.

  8. Had not thought about the comparison. Been around quite a few drunks but not so many babies. Makes sense to me.

  9. Here's one of my favorites funny links on exactly the same topic (but it's mostly pictures instead of words). Enjoy!


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.