Monday, February 20, 2017

And Where Do You Suppose Wisdom Resides?

I've had a day of peculiarly strange emotions. I've run the gamut of sadness and of anxiety and especially anxiety, to be truthful. When I took my walk, instead of gaining a measure of peace from being in the woods or from the simple motion of purposeful movement or of sky or of trees, I felt a keen apprehension and the garbage which has been dumped and scattered along part of my path affected me more profoundly than usual, my tattered self making of it a metaphor for everything going on these days.
My nest, as it were, felt especially soiled by those who do not care, who do not value the things I value. Every day that I pass this trash I am reminded once again that there are people I share the planet with who are absolutely thoughtless on a level which I simply cannot understand.

Mr. Moon had gotten up very early to go to Apalachicola and get the paperwork approved for tree removal and to hopefully get water hooked up to the property. He did both of those things and got home just in time to take a shower while I fixed him some egg sandwiches which he took with him to the FSU basketball game he is going to this evening with a friend.

The friend, who came here to meet him so that they could drive to town together, announced as he came in that he had seen something this morning he's never seen before which was two owls mating. He got up just as it was becoming light and as he made his coffee, he heard the pant-hoot call of the female and saw her in a tree and then heard the male's response from another tree and then, suddenly, the male swooped in and landed directly on her and in five seconds, the act was completed and the male flew away.

Although I have often heard the calling of the males and females to each other, I have certainly never seen them mating and I am thinking of that, dispassionately, thinking of all of the things going on around me which I do not see whether because it is hidden in the darkness of night or because I simply do not notice. All of the teeming life of both flora and fauna, and all of it with its own rules and customs and directions and impulses and desires and triggers and meanings and outcomes and repercussions. All of this happening every moment of every day and every night as I blindly go my human way, noting with such human pride the tiny opening leaves and buds of the spirea, the green, swelling tips of the native azalea, the ash magnolia, the multitude of robins and redwing blackbirds, the sprouting of peas, the sacred dance of the bumblebee in the azalea blossoms, not even having the least idea of the micro miracles and pragmatic goings-on of which I have, if anything, only the vaguest idea of.

Well, I suppose that if I was so mindful of everything that I missed nothing (which is an impossibility anyway), I would get as little accomplished as a woman spending endless hours on her knees, her fingers on her rosary, eyes closed in order to feel closer to a god who whom she no doubt believes has given her those very eyes to see the exact things I regret not noticing.

The older I get the more I absolutely believe and understand that I don't know shit.

Which in a way is liberating as hell but does not (I am sad to say) dispel anxiety or sadness or worry or fear and this is the way it is for me today, a woman of sixty-two years who lives under the oak trees beside the swamp where mysteries abound, both sacred and profane and I freely admit I have no answers.
No answers at all.

Love...Ms. Moon






19 comments:

  1. Actually, it is ok not to have the answers as long as you have the questions.

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  2. I'm sorry you have to deal with sadness and anxiety. those things do not affect me so that I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me. but all the other stuff, the magic, the seeing, the being. the just being out there and seeing and knowing. I could spend all day doing that and often do. I do not not understand the point of meditation to ascend above the form you incarnated into. to be present, to just be, yes. to escape, no.

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    1. There is nothing wrong with you at all. In fact, I would give anything to be as right as you, Ellen!

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  3. When I hit a ne of my darkest times I remember seeing a coffee cup thrown on the ground mere feet from a grange can. I told a counsellor about it and I could tell in her eyes that she thought me completely unhinged. But in all honesty, I'm glad I notice these things. It means I'm paying attention. What that quote? If you aren't angry , you are not paying attention. Sometimes it would be easier to ignore things but, I don't want to be one of those people.

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    1. Yes. We are who we are and with the difficulty comes gifts too. Sometimes. At least.

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  4. Some days our membranes are impossibly t thin or too pervious and on those days everything rattles the soul. I hope tomorrow's better, my dear. The edges a little softer.

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    1. Thank you, darling woman. It's just one of those times, I think.

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  5. In a way, you have all the answers. To see the tiny buds of the spirea and to make an egg sandwich for the man you love.

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    1. I have the answers I need for some days, as do we all, I am sure.

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  6. I've been feeling more generally anxious than usual, too. It's just a bad time. I'll say to you what I said to Rosemarie the other day -- at least you're still noticing beauty, the nature around you, in addition to the trash and the other negative stuff. I think noticing beauty keeps us all sane. More or less.

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    1. I agree, Steve. And it's not hard to find beauty almost anywhere.

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  7. Such a beautiful piece of writing. Thank you for this. I'm so proud of you for being exactly who and how you are in the world, and I'm richer for knowing you and seeing the world through your eyes.

    Only through acknowledging that we don't know much, especially that we don't really know those things that we think we might know pretty well, can we keep the doorway open so that the actual world can penetrate our beings. Knowing only keeps the door firmly shut- and then it has to stay shut or get broken down. Better to keep it ajar!

    Yolie and I love you and miss you so much. We are longing for our path to wind its way back to your home so we can hang out and talk story and spend more time in your beautiful company.

    Big love to you and to your whole fam damily!

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    1. Oh, Scott! It would make me so happy to see you guys! May this happen.

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  8. Some days I think I have gotten at least a tiny bit wiser than I was, but then something comes along and knocks me flat and I sit there wondering why ... what ... and then I get pissed :)
    I am tired of being treated as if I am not as important as I used to be, as a person.. as a mother .. as a person that deserves respect for a million reasons.
    So now, I have decided that I offer the same respect as I am given.
    And that includes letting anyone know my plans .. so there :)

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    1. Oh, I am so sorry that anyone would treat you less than!

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  9. I don't believe we're supposed to have all the answers so I no longer worry about it. I was filming a couple of doves in our backyard some time ago when the male mounted the female for a few seconds. When it was over he looked confused and she appeared as if she hadn't noticed.

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  10. This man I love has showed me so many birds just flying around or sitting in trees or the grass that it's kind of embarrassing because I literally never noticed them before! It makes me wonder how much else I'm missing.

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    1. Exactly, Elizabeth! What else are we missing?

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.