I don't know what's wrong with me. I did outside things today. I worked in the garden and I hung all the clothes on the line and still, I spent all day being furious.
Poor Mr. Moon because he caught it all. I turned my back to him all day. And he did nothing but be sweet to me. It's like if he brought me diamonds I would scream at him. I would say, "I'm sick of diamonds. Why don't you ever bring me rubies?"
I know this is illogical. I know I am angry at something else and that he is safe for me to be angry at and yet, it makes me sore afraid to be angry.
I wasn't allowed to be angry as a child and so I bit my hand and no one noticed and I screamed into washcloths in the bathroom until my throat was bloody and I didn't allow myself to eat over 800 calories a day and, and, and...
But now I am a grown woman and I have to figure out why I am angry.
We went over to Lily and Jason's and I wasn't one bit angry there. I was perfectly content to sit on the couch and watch Lily nurse Gibson and watch Owen play with his toys and cuddle with his mama and play loud and boisterous catch-me-games with his daddy and watch some completely stupid TV show about crazy insane people catching rattlesnakes, including a 95-year old woman who looked damn good and who has been catching rattlesnakes since she was nine years old and who is still going out to the Texas desert to catch them.
I have no idea why these people catch rattlesnakes. I really don't.
Well.
Maybe I should find me a rattlesnake and wrestle it into submission. Maybe I should handle snakes and pray to God to protect me and also to show me why I am angry.
I don't know. Sundays can be tricky.
I hope I get a do-over tomorrow. I'm going to do my best to ensure that possibility.
Maybe I need more yogurt. Tough shit. I'm going to eat meat tonight and a salad out of the garden. We shall see where that leads.
I FUCKING LOVE YOU !! God, you are a force to be reckoned with - your truth is clean and powerful. So glad you are you!
ReplyDeleteI remember once a long time ago, before I realized Hank was your son and couldn't figure out why a guy his age would be reading you, he said you should throw furniture or something like that. Anyway, this is a long way of saying maybe you need something like that again. Not biting yourself, but maybe some scream therapy or something.
ReplyDeleteSundays really can be tricky indeed. Love.
ReplyDeleteHoney, you go be as angry as you want. Good clean anger has cleaned many a house. Reminds me of the Marge Piercy poem that begins, "All over America, women are burning dinner..."
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I love you.
~Beth
PS-I got me a bumper sticker that says, " What Would Ina May Do?"
I completely get the being angry thing. I haven't had one of those days in a long time thank gawd, but I know how those days are for me, so I think I somewhat understand what you're experiencing. They suck. I hope your tomorrow is better.
ReplyDeleteLiv- Aw. Bless you darling. Thanks for understanding.
ReplyDeleteStephanie- Ha! I remember that! Naw, I think I'm going to be okay and all the furniture is intact. But thanks for the suggestion. I'll file it away for later.
SJ- You know what I'm talking about.
Beth- Okay. Must have that bumper sticker. Where did you get it!!!???
Also- I did clean toilets today.
Jill- I think it will be. I really do.
Yes. Sundays can be tricky.
ReplyDeleteLet's hope the meat helps, or more yoghurt. I find Sundays tough, too, not only as a prelude to monday and a new week, but in their own right, as a day loaded with history and meaning.
ReplyDeleteIt is so refreshing that you just say what you feel without apology or need for rational explanation. You are so real and so beautiful in that way. I read something the other day about how you sometimes don't feel you've contributed enough or some such thing and I was stunned. I can't think of a model (known or not) that keeps present, involved, and feeling in this world like you do. I'm near your age and I don't feel anywhere near as evolved as you are. You are my hero today Ms. Moon. I hope tomorrow you feel better and if you don't your readers love and support you just as much as if you were the opposite. You are that lovable sort. I hope you really know that. Joanne
ReplyDeleteSome days are just the pits. If I inventory it, I find that maybe I just need to be alone--have solitude because I have been around people too much. Who knows though?
ReplyDeleteThe good thing is, no mood lasts forever, not even anger. Meanwhile, use it.
ReplyDeleteHope things are brighter today. I was in a mood on Saturday - I think it was really my husband in a mood and he was projecting.
ReplyDeleteBut we went to a funny movie that hit us both just right.
I knew you were angry yesterday when you sort of bit me for ignoring the meat of your post in my comment. (it's OK... I didn't bleed)
ReplyDeleteDear Girl....we all have rage bubbling in a cauldron way down below.....that is why we are crazy. It's a good thing when it boils over and reminds us we are angry.
Hope you can solve it or shed it.