Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Boob Tube

So I was watching the TV tonight while I was eating my supper (spicy shrimp in mustard sauce with green beans and a sort of pilaf made with vegetables and quinoa in case you're interested) and that show United States Of Tara was on. Now, I got hooked into the show because this guy is on it:

And yes, we all love John Corbett. He is the boyfriend of us all. We all fell in love with him in Northern Exposure, and Sex And The City lost all cred with me when Carrie dumped his ass to go back to that shit, Mr. Big.

Anyway, so I'm watching USOT (and let me say that Toni Colette is pretty darn great) and in the show, Max, the guy that John Corbett plays NAILS ANOTHER WOMAN, NOT HIS WIFE, IN A BAR! So okay, the bar was closed. But it was just heart-breaking for me. Of course in the show he's had to deal with his wife fooling around with all sorts of other people when she's in one of her altered states of her multiple personalities and in fact, the woman Max had sex with was one of the women his wife had seduced when she was in the state of either a really butchy woman named Buck or maybe Buck is a dude. I haven't really been watching that long.
Does any of this make sense?
Hell no.
So why was I watching it?
You tell me.

Since I've been taking care of Owen I've gotten a bit more into the TV thing, mostly, as I've said, watching the infinitely entertaining (at least to me) Wife Swap which plays for three hours every weekday afternoon during a period of time when Owen is bound to want a bottle and a cuddle in the rocking chair.

At least I haven't started watching soap operas but then again, what else is a show like United States of Tara?

Now that show is on Showtime so there aren't any commercials but Wife Swap is on Lifetime and there are commercials about every two seconds. And you can learn a lot from commercials. Not one damn bit of it is of any use, but you can learn a lot.
Such as:
Did you know that one out of four women can misread a traditional pregnancy test? It's true! And whenever I see that commercial I always think to myself that four out of four women could misread a traditional pregnancy test under the right circumstances. Say- if they were drunk or stoned or really, really sleepy or had forgotten their glasses.
Am I right?
I think I am.

I've also learned that a firm named Binder and Binder will fight Social Security to get the money you are owned if you worked on the books and have been told by your doctor that you can no longer work! Binder and Binder has at least one ad on during every commercial block. And let me point out that these commercial blocks are long enough to start a load of laundry and get the dishes done.

And speaking (we were, briefly at least) of Carrie Bradshaw, Sarah Jessica Parker looks REALLY WEIRD in her Garnier commercials.

Like something's really wrong with her. I usually find her fascinating but these ads sort of make me queasy. All I can think, every time I see one, is that I hope with all of my heart that she is doing these ads to pay for her kids' college educations because I can't think of any other reason she'd put herself through the agony of that. Have you seen the one where she says, "This is one way to defy gravity," and she puts her fingers up by her face and pulls, sort of, or actually acts like she's pulling to demonstrate how pulling your skin could conceivably make you look like you were defying gravity?
It's just so wrong somehow.
But her kids will go to good schools. And that's a relief.

I've also learned from watching daytime TV that women do not want to touch mops with their hands. And that eating a Special K cereal bar instead of a doughnut can make your entire day go better because one good choice leads to another. And that when your child's picky eating gets to the point where it interferes with good growth and nutrition, you can just give her a special drink that's sort of like eating fruits and vegetables. I think it's a drink. That commercial freaks me out so much I sort of block it. Wouldn't that be sort of like Ensure for kids?

And let's not forget Darrell (pronounced Dur-ell, like Purell) who is "Mr. Rollback" at Walmart who seems to take an incredible amount of pride and joy in his work, rolling back the prices for you and for me and thus enabling us to have an better way of American Life.

I also know that the Women of Wisteria Lane have a lot of sex. And drink a lot. And wear a lot of jewelry and high heels. That's because after three hours of Wife Swap comes three hours of Desperate Housewives and they advertise that fact furiously all through Wife Swap.

Well. I haven't let myself slip into the slough of watching that show. Yet. Never say never. And I've never yet bought one of those mops you don't have to touch to squeeze out (well, I did years ago but it was by mistake) and I haven't bought a pregnancy test (big surprise) and I haven't contacted Binder and Binder, either. Nor have I bought any nutritional drinks for picky eaters or a Special K cereal bar. And I'm not even going to try and fool myself about defying gravity plus I'm afraid that if I try I'll just look weird.

So I guess what I'm asking here is- does anyone watch commercials and think, "Jesus! I need to get me some of that!"?

I mean, sure, we watch shows with John Corbett and have that thought but there's no number to call, no store where we can go buy him.

And maybe it's just me but honestly, I don't think that commercials make any more sense to me than Max having his way with one of the women that his wife's alter had previously had HER way with on a table in an empty bar.

Oh well. It's just TV.

But I'll tell you something- if I met that perky fucking woman on the Progressive Insurance ads I'd be sorely tempted to rip her damn price gun out of her hand and smack the hell out of her with it. She ANNOYS me!

And I had to google her to find out which insurance company she represents so I don't think those commercials are doing a hell of a lot of good anyway.

All right. I'm done now. Go turn on the TV. Someone wants to sell you something.


  1. It is exactly Ensure for kids! Pediasure. Nice, huh?

    I can't stand Wife Swap --I want to yell and throw things at the TV. The men all seem like such assholes.

  2. I have to admit, I couldn't read much after seeing my him.

    and yes. SJP is strange looking...I think she has too much money

  3. Ha! I am laughing out loud here, way up north of where you are. I have only once watched a commercial and then decided I was going to get the product, and it was a Mr. Clean magic eraser and I had crayon on my walls at the time. I remember when Walter was a wee one, and he would nap on me while I sat on the couch. What else to do but read or watch tv? Rustling pages woke my light sleeper, so I watched a lot of reruns of The Nanny that year.

  4. The Cialis and the other ED ads are the ones that we howl over. My wife wants a four hour boner. "When the mood is right..." Well, we laugh and roll our eyes. And she then says that she will call the doctor if I have an erection lasting longer than 4 hours. Ahem....

  5. SJ- And see? I couldn't remember the name of that product. What good is the commercial? And yes, many of the men on Wife Swap are assholes. Many of the wives are too.

    Laura- I have read that SJP grew up very poor with many siblings so for some reason I always think of her as being very smart about money now. I wonder if she really is.

  6. Syd- They don't have male enhancement ads on Wife Swap. The only ads they have directed towards men seem to be the ones from Binder and Binder.
    But yes- do we NEED to hear about four hour erections?

  7. Ms. Moon, I love The United States of Tara. Don't we watch TV to imagine experiences that we'll never live? For example, I'll never be a wealthy woman in Manhattan who drinks a lot and has lots of promiscuous sex and never uses her kitchen. But isn't it something to imagine someone living with that illness? I mean what if you (or I) put our biggest crazy right out into the world, at the grocery store, our kids schools, just let it go? Obviously it hurts the family lots of times, but isn't it something to imagine a family that incorporates the crazy, often without apology? I'd love to know what you think about that. My worst moments of anxiety are because I'm afraid that people around me will think I'm crazy. What if I have to pull over driving because of a panic attack? What will they think of me? But Tara doesn't hide, she goes to the school functions, etc knowing what everyone knows about her. It's a whole new way to fly your freak flag!

  8. I always, always wonder who actually falls for these commercials -- like those lawyers that you mentioned. I mean, does anyone really call them up and say, "Yes, I was in a car accident five years ago and my neck still hurts. Can you help me?"

  9. Pull the Plug! That shit rots your brain. Especially the adverts. Video tapes are cheap at Goodwill and everyone is getting rid of theirs, so good ones.
    Seriously! We need all your brain cells intact. x0 N2

  10. That insurance woman makes me want to slap her with something, too. She is so annoying!

  11. i hav eto confess that i dont like john corbett as an actor...but i do love toni colette...i hate sex and the city and also everything including pictures of sjp because she is always and i mean ALWAYS photoshopped down the to the ass and looks as human as a barbie doll...oh and i dont watch tv since,.almost nine years..cinema and dvds yes..but no tv anymore...

  12. I agree with N2. I hate, hate, HATE commercials. We have Tivo so luckily I can zip right through them. But I still hate that progressive insurance lady, even in fast forward. If I have to watch live TV, I need to mute the commercials or I go crazy.

    I totally understand the Wife Swap thing. I've gotten pulled into those whenever I've stumbled upon them. I've got a little love affair going with Holmes on Homes (HGTV)right now. I love the Canadians.

    Here's a related question. Does anyone ever look at or click on the ads on websites? I do my best to completely ignore them. I just read what I came to read on the page and don't even glance at the ads. I wonder if those ads do any good?

    This made me laugh. Thanks!

  13. I dont think Ive ever bought something after watching an ad...except a bottle of Zubroska (?) vodka, the greenish one with a single long piece of siberian grass of something in it..mmmm

    Insurance ads are the worst. Now the World Cup is coming every second ad has French footballers in longer a great marketing idea coz half the team got caught having nookie with underage Ukranian prostitutes the other day..but mysteriously the police investigation has been put on hold til AFTER the World Cup. That really gives me the shits...

  14. Sometimes, I like to watch Wife Swap. Never watched Desperate Housewives. Never watched Sex and the City because frankly, SJP looks freakish all the time. To me, she looks like she should be playing some bad witch with the black cone hat and all. I think she's the ugliest thing and when they display her as though she's gorgeous, I just want to hurl.
    I also hate the girl from the Progressive commercials. I want to punch her in the face with a brick.

    As for wanting what's on tv - I've lately actually wanted a swiffer duster because I have a lot of dust that's a little hard to get at with my old body although the ads drive me crazy esp for the floor mop thing. There are ads that run on the radio here for The Bay which is a Canadian department store. The new CEO does the ads and although the mattress company CEO lady drives me batty, I like the Bay's and often want to buy the things she pushes because they really do sound like an amazing value. I never do go though. I rarely shop and only go to the mall at Christmas.

  15. Thanks for making me giggle.
    You are so right on, about everything.
    I was shocked when I read somewhere that FLO was such a huge hit. I'm thinking, are you kidding me? Do you really think there is anyone who LIKES those commercials and thinks they are clever or smart? Everyone hates that woman. Well, that's what I thought anyway, until I read that article which made her sound like a celebity.
    I have to try USOT, someone else mentioned it to me the other day.

    I can't handle wife swap. It makes me too upset and tense, especially if they have pets they are not taking care properly (yeah, I know, what about the poor kids. Well, that too).

    Commercials just make me hungry for things my body doesn't need.
    They are evil.

    You are wonderful.

  16. Lora- But Magic Eraser IS magic. I love that shit.

    Roserain- Oh, it's interesting all right. And yes, I love that Tara is just who she is (all of them!) and I think we can all embrace our insanities and let them show and glow. I agree with that!

    Elizabeth- I think that people probably DO call those numbers. That's the sad part.

    N2- Oh honey. It's not that bad. Believe me. I don't have the TIME to actually watch TV unless Owen wants a rocky rock or I'm eating my supper.

    Joy- Agreed.

    Danielle- I think that SJP is one of those love-her or hate-her kinds of gals. I love her odd looks. I can't help it. And believe me, when it is just me in this house, the TV never comes on.

    Grasshopper- I was wondering that myself. Does ANYONE click on those ads? I certainly don't.
    Glad I have one person who understands my Wife Swap fascination.

    Screamish- That would drive me crazy too. And how WAS that vodka?

    Jeannie- They do make those Swiffer things look like the second coming, don't they?

    Bethany- I was commenting at your place while you were here! Ha!
    Why would anyone like that Progressive woman? Now- that Mac guy- I sort of love him. But then again, I love all things Mac.
    Well, each to his or her own. And I understand your problem with the pets on Wife Swap. I do.

  17. Oh, what about the chocolate and vanilla falvored FORMULA? What the fuck is up with that? I hate commercials, and yet I love them in the sense that it gives me great fodder for telling the kids what bullshit it all is. No, you are not going to absolutely DIE if you don't have this toy. Yes, it has all the vitamins you need for the day, as well as five times the sugar. Yep, drinking THAT beer will make you sexy. Grrr, it pisses me off.

    As for shows, well. I was SVU, because I have a girl crush on Mariska Hargatay. I watch the Mentalist becuase it makes me laugh. And I watch wheel of fortune and jeapordy because I am old.

  18. I've got a damn DVR, so I record everything and fast forward through all the cocksucking ads.

    Love you.

  19. Kori- That shit is just WRONG! Chocolate formula. No fucking way.
    And I love Jeopardy but cannot watch Wheel of Fortune. I have no idea why but I just can't.

    Ms. Bastard- I use commercials to get my chores done. Sometimes. Unless I'm holding Owen and he just wants to be held.
    I love you too!

  20. I try to avoid commercials as much as I can by recording the shows I want to watch on my DVR and then fast forwarding through the commercials when I play them back. I've done this for so long that I get impatient watching real time TV and usually end up turning if off!

  21. I'd smack Flo a good one too.

    Ha- my word verificatio is "hotera"

  22. The Progressive Lady looks like the kinda girl that would key your car if you broke up with her.

  23. Since the time my daughter was old enough to have a concept for what a commercial even was I explained to her about the "Big Bad Marketing Machine" and how it's job was to try and trick little kids into begging their parents for toys they didn't even really need or want and that would likely break two minutes after playing with them. I went on the explain that the "big marketing machine" is connected to "the big box companies" who just want more and more of our money so they can keep it all to themselves and get richer while we get more useless plastic crap in return.

    To this day she thinks all commercials are of the devil and when we see a product in stores that has been advertised somewhere she gets all loud and yells "Don't do it Mom! They're only trying to trick you!".

    Sometimes it's nice to have a little mini me to program from a young age. :)

    (As a side not I'm actually not a crazy hippie communist. I majored in finance and have an MBA.)

  24. Lois- Obviously I need to learn this new technology.

    Jill- Or at least mess up that stupid hair.

    Nancy C- And you WOULD break up with her.

    Cristal- Watch out. Some how, some way that is going to come back to bite you. I have no idea how but I do know children and it will. Like- she'll make a career in advertising or something.

  25. I wonder if Flo keyed my car?

    Ms. Moon, you or any of your fans may HAVE John Corbett. I cannot stand him, so there will be no fight from me whatsoever.

    Hah. WV: likie. No me likie John Corbett.

  26. I think we need a rollback on John Corbett. And I am intrigued by Flo's hairdo and liquid eyeliner and red lips

    The fact that people really do believe in and buy all that shit explains the sad state of this country and credit card debt

  27. Nola- But of course. He doesn't fit your profile!

    Michelle- Amen sister. Amen.

  28. I don't care what he does on TV, I will ALWAYS ADORE that man!
    Hubba Hubba!

  29. LOL Ms. Moon - busted. Didn't even think of that. :)

  30. Petit Fleur- He IS a hubba-hubba.

    NOLA- Yep. I know the profile!

  31. Oh my gosh. I knew I was going to go out of town a few days and come back and visit here and miss so much! A couple people have told me I look like SJP. I liked it a few years back when she did some print ads for The Gap and then they pulled them after they felt she was too old for their image. I felt bad for her on that. I agree about me no likey how she dropped John Corbett on SITC. And so long ago Hubs and I would love watching Northern Exposure.

  32. okay, lemme just say that i LOVE commercials. the best part of being home all day (besides keeping my son, that is) was finding out that around 1pm the ION network turns into infomercial network! and i love a good 30 minute long ad. i want to clean my floor properly with a steam machine, make a sandwich and dessert in the same fold-able press, and even teach my baby to learn to read before he can sit up. also, i love that progressive insurance girl. i have not yet switched to them but i think i might. i do have to say though, every time that binder and binder commercial comes on all i can think is, "okay indiana jones, tell me how you're gonna win my case."

  33. Michele R- Man. I would love to be told I look like Ms. Parker. I just think she's darling and gorgeous in a strange way.

    Daddy B- Now this is why you should have your own blog. I swear to God! YOU CRACK ME UP!

  34. oh infomercials! i wanna talk about you some more! right now my favorite one is for the magic bullet. blender, not vibrator. you can make ANYTHING in it including frozen beverages. and guess what?? when the drink is mixed up you just spin a different color lid on each one and wa-la! no need to write your name in sharpie on your red dixie cup. but i really like that there are these crazy characters on it. the fat guy that doesn't believe veggies will taste good, the old lady that wears curlers in her hair and smokes and doesn't believe a word anyone says. it's awesome. and i want one. bad.

  35. USOT is a pretty good, fun show. Have you ever seen Toni Collette's movie called "Muriel's Wedding?" It's all sorts of weird and wonderful. ;)

  36. I hate adverts. Some adverts have made me stop buying things I did buy before. That's how much I hate them. The only thing that does work on me is adverts for products that make stains go away. I'm a sucker for them because I feel so clueless in the household. So I have bought Vanish and Cillit-Bang! (seriously) and Bref Power. Ah well.

    John Corbett is not skinny enough for me to fall head over heels. Too much meat. But you're so right about Sex and the City. She had a lovely man there, and that Big does NOTHING for me. I just don't get it. Is it because he's rich or something - it's incomprehensible to me.


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