So I was watching the TV tonight while I was eating my supper (spicy shrimp in mustard sauce with green beans and a sort of pilaf made with vegetables and quinoa in case you're interested) and that show United States Of Tara was on. Now, I got hooked into the show because this guy is on it:
And yes, we all love John Corbett. He is the boyfriend of us all. We all fell in love with him in Northern Exposure, and Sex And The City lost all cred with me when Carrie dumped his ass to go back to that shit, Mr. Big.
Anyway, so I'm watching USOT (and let me say that Toni Colette is pretty darn great) and in the show, Max, the guy that John Corbett plays NAILS ANOTHER WOMAN, NOT HIS WIFE, IN A BAR! So okay, the bar was closed. But it was just heart-breaking for me. Of course in the show he's had to deal with his wife fooling around with all sorts of other people when she's in one of her altered states of her multiple personalities and in fact, the woman Max had sex with was one of the women his wife had seduced when she was in the state of either a really butchy woman named Buck or maybe Buck is a dude. I haven't really been watching that long.
Does any of this make sense?
So why was I watching it?
You tell me.
Since I've been taking care of Owen I've gotten a bit more into the TV thing, mostly, as I've said, watching the infinitely entertaining (at least to me) Wife Swap which plays for three hours every weekday afternoon during a period of time when Owen is bound to want a bottle and a cuddle in the rocking chair.
At least I haven't started watching soap operas but then again, what else is a show like United States of Tara?
Now that show is on Showtime so there aren't any commercials but Wife Swap is on Lifetime and there are commercials about every two seconds. And you can learn a lot from commercials. Not one damn bit of it is of any use, but you can learn a lot.
Did you know that one out of four women can misread a traditional pregnancy test? It's true! And whenever I see that commercial I always think to myself that four out of four women could misread a traditional pregnancy test under the right circumstances. Say- if they were drunk or stoned or really, really sleepy or had forgotten their glasses.
Am I right?
I think I am.
I've also learned that a firm named Binder and Binder will fight Social Security to get the money you are owned if you worked on the books and have been told by your doctor that you can no longer work! Binder and Binder has at least one ad on during every commercial block. And let me point out that these commercial blocks are long enough to start a load of laundry and get the dishes done.
And speaking (we were, briefly at least) of Carrie Bradshaw, Sarah Jessica Parker looks REALLY WEIRD in her Garnier commercials.
Like something's really wrong with her. I usually find her fascinating but these ads sort of make me queasy. All I can think, every time I see one, is that I hope with all of my heart that she is doing these ads to pay for her kids' college educations because I can't think of any other reason she'd put herself through the agony of that. Have you seen the one where she says, "This is one way to defy gravity," and she puts her fingers up by her face and pulls, sort of, or actually acts like she's pulling to demonstrate how pulling your skin could conceivably make you look like you were defying gravity?
It's just so wrong somehow.
But her kids will go to good schools. And that's a relief.
I've also learned from watching daytime TV that women do not want to touch mops with their hands. And that eating a Special K cereal bar instead of a doughnut can make your entire day go better because one good choice leads to another. And that when your child's picky eating gets to the point where it interferes with good growth and nutrition, you can just give her a special drink that's sort of like eating fruits and vegetables. I think it's a drink. That commercial freaks me out so much I sort of block it. Wouldn't that be sort of like Ensure for kids?
And let's not forget Darrell (pronounced Dur-ell, like Purell) who is "Mr. Rollback" at Walmart who seems to take an incredible amount of pride and joy in his work, rolling back the prices for you and for me and thus enabling us to have an better way of American Life.
I also know that the Women of Wisteria Lane have a lot of sex. And drink a lot. And wear a lot of jewelry and high heels. That's because after three hours of Wife Swap comes three hours of Desperate Housewives and they advertise that fact furiously all through Wife Swap.
Well. I haven't let myself slip into the slough of watching that show. Yet. Never say never. And I've never yet bought one of those mops you don't have to touch to squeeze out (well, I did years ago but it was by mistake) and I haven't bought a pregnancy test (big surprise) and I haven't contacted Binder and Binder, either. Nor have I bought any nutritional drinks for picky eaters or a Special K cereal bar. And I'm not even going to try and fool myself about defying gravity plus I'm afraid that if I try I'll just look weird.
So I guess what I'm asking here is- does anyone watch commercials and think, "Jesus! I need to get me some of that!"?
I mean, sure, we watch shows with John Corbett and have that thought but there's no number to call, no store where we can go buy him.
And maybe it's just me but honestly, I don't think that commercials make any more sense to me than Max having his way with one of the women that his wife's alter had previously had HER way with on a table in an empty bar.
Oh well. It's just TV.
But I'll tell you something- if I met that perky fucking woman on the Progressive Insurance ads I'd be sorely tempted to rip her damn price gun out of her hand and smack the hell out of her with it. She ANNOYS me!
And I had to google her to find out which insurance company she represents so I don't think those commercials are doing a hell of a lot of good anyway.
All right. I'm done now. Go turn on the TV. Someone wants to sell you something.