Wednesday, January 8, 2014

You Can't Make This Stuff Up, Part Whatever

Why can't I make myself go walk in twenty-nine degree weather?
Oh, I don't know. A desire for self-preservation?
Fuck it.
I took the trash. In the car. Of course.

Okay. I have to say that this periodontal surgeon's office is, well, to say the least, attentive. I can't tell you how many times they've called to re-go-over and verify things with me. To ask if I have any questions. Frankly, I don't want to know everything. That may be silly but so what? Every thought I have lately is completely illogical so why try to pretend? I did ask if I could keep the gold from my crown and had to get a special dispensation for that one. They said I could but that they would have to keep it and autoclave it before giving it back to me because it's a bio-hazardous waste.
It seems to me as if they really are trying to make this as positive an experience as possible. And for the money I'm paying them, well, they should.
So anyway, the last time I talked to Norma Jean on the phone she said, "Now remember to leave your jewelry at home in case you want one of our spa treatments."
This absolutely did not register with me. First of all, whenever the phone rings and my caller ID tells me it's the clinic, I go off into ear-ringing clang-clang alarm mode. I try to pay attention and write anything down that needs to be remembered but the words spa treatments sort of went right past me. I have a bone abscess. I am getting an extraction and grafting. Where in the world does spa treatment fit in there? I guess I just thought that she was making a joke and that I shouldn't wear my jewelry in case they need to do X-Rays or you know, perform CPR on me or something.

But NOoooooooo...

I finally got around to reading my pre-op instructions last night and discovered this:

Click on it. 

And did I mention that they gave me a prescription for a pre-procedure Xanax to take an hour before I come in? 
Is this going to be the best day of my life or what?!!!!

Well, this just changes everything, doesn't it? 
Or, actually, no it doesn't but it made me laugh and I had to call May and read that to her. She said, "Do you think they give you a choice of flavors on the milk shake? Like you can have chocolate or vanilla or strawberry?"
One can only hope, right?

Well, there you go. 
The moist towelette thing really cracks me up. Is it going to be one of the teeny ones like they offer you at the barbecue place or is it going to be a really special warmed-up one like I fantasize that they give you in First Class on airplanes? Will I have to rip it out of the little package myself or will they do it for me and hand it to me with tongs? 

All right. I'm going to go put on real clothing and get my ass to town. I'm meeting Hank for lunch and that is that. It's a beautiful sunny day even though it's cold and it's going to get warmer and I'm going to eat a salad while I still can and although Lily is working so I won't get to see her, I'll get to see Hank and May and Taylor, too and I am looking forward to that so much.
I am still anxious as hell but I am accepting it and getting on with it. Sort of. 

Thanks for hanging in here with me, folks as I explore the World Of Crazy and send back reports and photographs of the sights and sounds. Just trying to be a good reporter. 

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. Um, if someone wants to give me a Xanax and a chocolate milkshake I AM DOWN. That is hilarious and awesome at the same time.

  2. This should be taught in dental schools. It is funny and fabulous. And I think that moist towelette should be a warm, hot towel that you are swathed in. I will be coming to Lloyd for any dental work I should need in the future or get free dental work by passing this idea onto a dentist here. It is just awesome. Have a great day and those pictures of Gibson a few posts before were sweetness. Sweet Jo

  3. Holy crap. I and almost envious. Almost.

  4. I'm dying laughing out here. I love it -- love it all! Spa treatments for all doctors' appointments!

  5. I'm sitting here in the airport getting all caught up. Extraction and grafting are relatively easy to get through, especially with drugs!!!!! I've had them done twice and am not in the final stages of getting my second bridge and I can honestly say, the only thing that gets me through it is the Ativan.
    You'll be fine! Fly high, dental patient! Fly high!

  6. Is the moist towelette in case you pee yourself? I think moist towelette are the second and third funniest word in the English language the first being of course pants and no I can't explain it not even to myself.

  7. Ask them to double the Xanax, hold the moist towelette.

  8. I'm flying to Florida if I ever need this kind of dental work. What can I bring you as a hostess, because I could stay with you, right?

  9. Xanex is an experience I remember quite clearly.

  10. Surgery and post op care do have advantages. Hang in there.

  11. Ooooooh, love me some Xanax. It's also good for when having stitches taken out. This post made me laugh out loud. Not that I'm laughing at you, it's with you.

  12. SJ- I wonder if they MAKE the milkshake. How bizarre.

    Sweet Jo- I'll let you know how it all goes. You may be sure of that. And yes, all dentists should offer such services.

    Birdie- Almost being the keyword, I am sure.

    Elizabeth- Can you even believe it?

    heartinhand- I will do my best. Thanks for the personal testimony. I need all I can get.

    Rebecca- You made me laugh. I have no idea what the damn moist towelette is for. If you dribble while drinking your milkshake?

    Ashley- Hell, I'd give up the towelette AND the milkshake for one more Xanax.

    Denise- Well. Of course. And now the rat smell is gone...

    Maggie May- I'm looking forward to that part.

    Syd- I am. I swear.

    Allison- I know. I like to make people laugh. So thank you.

  13. What on earth is a paraffin treatment? It makes me think of pouring hot wax on skin. But surely that's not it.

    I laughed at the idea of ENJOYING a moist towelette after surgery. I could see how a person might want one, but I'm not sure they'd be enjoying it. (The milkshake, however, is another story -- that is PERFECTLY enjoyable.)


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