Wednesday, January 8, 2014

This Is NOT A Restaurant Review. And Yet, It Is

I'm sitting here beating myself up because I could be heading back to town to have supper with Boppy and Jason and Lily and the boys at a new Mexican restaurant near their house and I'm not because I'm stuck here in this stupid, stupid fog of brain and body and I hate it. I just hate it.
I could do it, you know. I could. I could go out where there is light and tortilla chips and baby boy smiles and kisses and I COULD DO IT and I want to do it. I don't want to sit here and eat leftover soup alone. Who wants to do that when they could choose to go out with people they love?
Who the fuck would choose to feel this way?
I know I'm not going to feel this way forever. I am holding on to that.

I did go to town today and I had a wonderful time, really, although I felt very disassociated and I couldn't remember words but it was okay because I was with Hank and Anna and we actually sat around and talked for a long time after lunch and May kept popping in to talk to us and Taylor came and sat down with us and I loved it. The whole thing.
The new place where May is working is not new at all. It's a little cafe in an outbuilding of an old plantation house in Tallahassee named Goodwood

and it's such a charming little place. Our dear friend Taylor has been the chef there for some time and when it came time for the owner of the cafe to replace the front manager, Taylor said, "I've got the girl for you."
And thus, May got an interview, May got the job, and Fanny's Cafe got the best front manager they could ever want. And May and Taylor get to be a team! Hank is calling it the Tay And May Cafe! High Fives Every Day!

Taylor says I can come and cook with her sometime and I swear, I would pay to be part of that team. I had a warm spinach salad and a curried sweet potato soup. 

Insanely good. And then Taylor sent us out angel food cake with a strawberry sauce that was to die for and I had forgotten how good food can really be when someone else cooks it with love and talent and attention. 

You walk up to the front door and you almost feel as if you should knock. There's a long hallway that leads to a larger dining room and other small rooms off to the side, each different, each with mantels and old fireplaces, 

each just lovely and light-filled with great old windows, their glass old and wavery.

There are tables outside for when it gets warmer and it's a great place to go and sit, looking at the beautiful gardens of Goodwood and I can't wait until we make it our place to go with the boys because they can play and tumble on the lawn. I suggested to May that they acquire a border collie to keep the children of patrons rounded up and safe. Don't you think that would be a good idea? 

Do you want to know the best part? All sandwiches come with a pickled okra and one of Taylor's deviled eggs. Uh-huh. You know you want some. 

So it was such a nice time, eating and talking, even if I felt like an alien, sort of, and I have great hopes for May to be happy there, with such an opportunity to give it her own special glow. She is going through great changes in her life and I think she is going to pop those pretty wings out even farther. 

After lunch (Hank said, "Come on, we have to go, we're slowing Anna down from getting her PhD") I drove across town to drop off another Virgin of Guadalupe calendar at another dear friend's house and THEN I drove back across town and went to Costco and THEN I went to the grocery store trying to think of what I will be eating after I get my tooth taken out which was a dismal failure (really? canned soup?) and then I came home and unloaded everything and turned off all the dripping faucets because it's not going to freeze tonight and I unwrapped the porch plants and that was sad. Just sad. I've lost some. Maybe I can cut them back and they'll be okay. I have hopes. But oh Lord, they just look so pathetic. 

And now I've written myself out of my despair, a little bit although I am still feeling weepy. I want to, not this mess which feels like those porch plants look. 

Well. I guess I'll go heat up that soup. Mr. Moon called me and offered to come and get me or to bring me something from the restaurant or to just come home and take care of me but, no, of course I said no to all of that. I'm almost over beating myself up. Being in town and doing what I did today was rather huge, or at least huge-ish, for me, and it's good to be here and quiet. 
It is. 
I promise you. 

I think that when I go to bed tonight and go over the day, I will decide that on balance, I did okay. 
And for me, right now, that's good. And I will see the faces of the people I love whom I saw today in my mind and I will hold them close to me as I fall asleep. 


  1. Sometimes going to bed helps and things are better in the morning. That food looks good!

  2. As I haven't been out of the house in four days because of the Polar Vortex (3 snow days IN A ROW and too cold to step foot outside and also my front door is smooshed shut by snow and my 8 year old has I think worn the same pair of underwear for a week because I am clearly an awesome mom), I think you've done pretty damn good today.

  3. It does sound as if you had a lovely day out which means you probably wanted/needed a lovely night in to recharge in your beloved space knowing that your love would be back soon enough and that sounds like you struck a perfect balance, at least as far as I can see. Sleep tight Mary Moon. xo

  4. I got confused by this post until I read Angella's post on account of stress and anxiety I SO GET IT.

  5. I am glad that you got out and about, and that restaurant sounds amazing. Perfect, really. Sleep well and may tomorrow be bright.

  6. I just did the math and it took me eight hours to do a one hour flight today. My ass may never be the same.
    Some days we can fly.
    Some days, the most we can do is just be.
    That's all.
    Except....OMG you read my blog today?! That's so fucking major to me, you have no idea. Ms. Mary Moon came to MY blog! Squeeeeeee!
    You went somewhere today and it was wacky, and let's just leave it at that!

  7. The dental work is tomorrow right? And I will be thinking of you and the Xanax and the milkshake and other spa treatments - I wonder if they charge extra? Your lunch looked so pretty and healthy and May looked so young and pretty. Did that make sense?. I hope your sleep is peaceful and that before you know it, this part of the dental experience will be over. They say you can't remember pain and if that is true I hope you remember the drugged out feeling. I should stop. I know what I mean but the works are coming out odd. Just love and hugs. Sweet Jo

  8. It makes sense to me that you might want an evening in after being out and about all day! Why beat yourself up over that?!

    Goodwood looks terrific, and hooray to May for the new job. I hope she loves it, and it certainly looks like she will. Anything with a sweet potato in it is OK by me.

  9. You write about your sad days with so much kindness. I wish I could do this and not bang about full of nasty remarks.
    And you had this lovely day - at least and hopefully a good sleep.
    Take care.

  10. Your first paragraph especially got me. I don't have anxiety but I do take being an introvert and home-body to the extreme. I skip out on social events that I know would be fun. And I spend the entire time torn about having not gone. Thanks for putting that paragraph into words.

  11. Syd- Sleep saves me every day. It WAS amazing food.

    Sara- I have tried to comment on your blog which I think is a beautiful blog with beautiful writing but Worpress and I have issues. I am reading you though. And you ARE an awesome mom.

    Angella- I did. Mostly. Thank you, love.

    Rebecca- I can't write any more. It all comes out wavery and weird and indecipherable and I have to come up with new words because I can't remember the real ones.

    Elizabeth- It is like a fairy-tale of a restaurant. I think you would love it.

    heartinhand- I always read your blog. I mostly just can't comment.

    Sweet Jo- No, all the lovely extras come with the crazy fee. Frankly, I just care about the drugs although a hand massage is always lovely. Now if they would only give me a pedicure at the same time as I am getting my tooth yanked we would know we live in a perfect world. And yes, May DOES look young and pretty. Well, she is of course but I think the changes in her life are making her look even more so. Thank-you, sweet, sweet Jo.

    Steve Reed- And this was a most exceptionally delicious use of sweet potatoes. Taylor has a gift.

    Sabine- I don't have enough energy to be nasty these days. I am actually looking forward to the time when I do again. Is that wrong?

    Jill- You are welcome. If I had an editor, that paragraph would have been deleted. And I know it. Blogs can be so self-indulgent.

  12. It's just gotten light here. I hope you've had some sunshine to bask in for a few hours and that you're feeling rested. Xoxoxo.

  13. OK is good. I went around yesterday and took pictures of all the thawed out frozen plant life but in the end opted to not post the pics. I think it will all come back. I know the ginger will. not too sure about the exotic elephant ear I bought and planted last spring. ah, it seems to have stopped raining.

  14. Mary no your writing didn't confuse me! I confused me. I thought I read you didn't want to go out to eat then I read that you went out to eat and I thought I had short circuited. CARRY ON AS THOUGH NOTHING UNUSUAL HAS HAPPENED.

    This is going to be my mantra for the next five days.

  15. on mondays im by myself til im done, usually by seven. i listen to django when its dusk and pretend i am long ago. you are so very welcome to join me. bring your own fancy beers cause you know i like natty light.

  16. Denise- It was a pretty good night of rest and although the sun hasn't shone much today, it's been all right.

    Ellen Abbott- We live and we learn. Or in my case, we live and we forget. I hope your fancy plants come back. If they don't- well- they're just too delicate and who needs that?

    Rebecca- I like your mantra. I am going to borrow it.

    Taylor- You are precious. You know that. And I love you. I may just do that one of these days. I can wash your dishes.


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