I could do it, you know. I could. I could go out where there is light and tortilla chips and baby boy smiles and kisses and I COULD DO IT and I want to do it. I don't want to sit here and eat leftover soup alone. Who wants to do that when they could choose to go out with people they love?
Who the fuck would choose to feel this way?
I know I'm not going to feel this way forever. I am holding on to that.
I did go to town today and I had a wonderful time, really, although I felt very disassociated and I couldn't remember words but it was okay because I was with Hank and Anna and we actually sat around and talked for a long time after lunch and May kept popping in to talk to us and Taylor came and sat down with us and I loved it. The whole thing.
The new place where May is working is not new at all. It's a little cafe in an outbuilding of an old plantation house in Tallahassee named Goodwood
and it's such a charming little place. Our dear friend Taylor has been the chef there for some time and when it came time for the owner of the cafe to replace the front manager, Taylor said, "I've got the girl for you."
And thus, May got an interview, May got the job, and Fanny's Cafe got the best front manager they could ever want. And May and Taylor get to be a team! Hank is calling it the Tay And May Cafe! High Fives Every Day!
Taylor says I can come and cook with her sometime and I swear, I would pay to be part of that team. I had a warm spinach salad and a curried sweet potato soup.
Insanely good. And then Taylor sent us out angel food cake with a strawberry sauce that was to die for and I had forgotten how good food can really be when someone else cooks it with love and talent and attention.
You walk up to the front door and you almost feel as if you should knock. There's a long hallway that leads to a larger dining room and other small rooms off to the side, each different, each with mantels and old fireplaces,
each just lovely and light-filled with great old windows, their glass old and wavery.
There are tables outside for when it gets warmer and it's a great place to go and sit, looking at the beautiful gardens of Goodwood and I can't wait until we make it our place to go with the boys because they can play and tumble on the lawn. I suggested to May that they acquire a border collie to keep the children of patrons rounded up and safe. Don't you think that would be a good idea?
Do you want to know the best part? All sandwiches come with a pickled okra and one of Taylor's deviled eggs. Uh-huh. You know you want some.
So it was such a nice time, eating and talking, even if I felt like an alien, sort of, and I have great hopes for May to be happy there, with such an opportunity to give it her own special glow. She is going through great changes in her life and I think she is going to pop those pretty wings out even farther.
After lunch (Hank said, "Come on, we have to go, we're slowing Anna down from getting her PhD") I drove across town to drop off another Virgin of Guadalupe calendar at another dear friend's house and THEN I drove back across town and went to Costco and THEN I went to the grocery store trying to think of what I will be eating after I get my tooth taken out which was a dismal failure (really? canned soup?) and then I came home and unloaded everything and turned off all the dripping faucets because it's not going to freeze tonight and I unwrapped the porch plants and that was sad. Just sad. I've lost some. Maybe I can cut them back and they'll be okay. I have hopes. But oh Lord, they just look so pathetic.
And now I've written myself out of my despair, a little bit although I am still feeling weepy. I want to be...me, not this mess which feels like those porch plants look.
Well. I guess I'll go heat up that soup. Mr. Moon called me and offered to come and get me or to bring me something from the restaurant or to just come home and take care of me but, no, of course I said no to all of that. I'm almost over beating myself up. Being in town and doing what I did today was rather huge, or at least huge-ish, for me, and it's good to be here and quiet.
I promise you.
I think that when I go to bed tonight and go over the day, I will decide that on balance, I did okay.
And for me, right now, that's good. And I will see the faces of the people I love whom I saw today in my mind and I will hold them close to me as I fall asleep.