Monday, January 13, 2014

Still A Little Shaky

Artwork by Owen. Pretty much how I feel. 

Monday morning and all is pretty well here in Lloyd. I took the trash down to the trash depot and it looks like someone's dumped three adolescent cats. Damn. 

I did not watch the Golden Globes last night but I wish I had. I did watch the opening dio-monologue by Fey and Poehler and it was wonderful. It really caught my ear when they said something about Matthew McConaughey's amazing forty-five pound weight loss to play the role of a man suffering from AIDS in The Dallas Buyer's Club. What Tina Fey said was something like, "And wow! for Matthew McConaughey, losing all that weight, or, as actresses call it, 'being in a movie.'"
The whole room sort of laughed uncomfortably because you know what? That shit is true.
I thought The Dallas Buyer's Club was a very fine movie and I think that McConaughey and Jared Leto certainly deserve the awards they got for their roles in the movie and yes, McConaughey (and Leto too, for that matter) were scary skinny BUT, it struck me while I was watching the movie that neither one of them was that much skinnier (if at all) than most leading ladies these days and NO ONE SAYS A WORD ABOUT THEIR RIBS OR BREASTBONES OR HIP BONES. They're supposed to look like that. But with huge boobs. Right?
It's actually no more normal for a woman to have all of her skeleton exposed than it is for a man, no matter what our culture tells us.
And I guess that's all I need to say about that right now.

Can you tell that I'm still sort of whacked on drugs? And I'm not taking drugs. I don't know. Maybe it's not the drugs. Maybe it's just my poor brain which had been so completely consumed with the anxiety and then hit with all those lovely, lovely narcotics and benzos (thanks for teaching me that term, Rebecca!) and the complete cessation of any anxiety at all for full day and I have to tell you- I just cannot and will not judge anyone for becoming addicted to drugs that make you feel that way. I love drugs! Well, that sort. And no, I'm not going to go out and try to score any but I sure do understand why people would and it's just a damn good thing I never once did heroin or I probably would have done it until I died.
So that's my little drug talk for the day.
But I honestly do feel as if my brain chemistry is a hot mess. I'm not exactly anxious and I'm not exactly depressed and I'm not exactly feeling "normal" either although I don't remember what "normal" feels like, even for me.
Plus, I'm not exercising, plus my diet is shite.
I need to do better. I will.

I'm going to go trim up my porch plants and water them and hope for the best. And this afternoon I'm going into town to watch my boys for awhile. So I'm easing back into "real" life, I guess. I don't know. As I may have said here before once or twice, I don't now shit.
I'm just doing the best I can and so are you. Mostly, I think we all are, although the set of the bar can be pretty variable. For one person it may mean running a Triathlon, for another it may mean walking up (or down!) one flight of stairs instead of taking the elevator. For one person it may mean writing a novel and for another it may mean reading a novel. For one person it may mean winning a Golden Globe and for another it may mean not becoming a junkie.
Well, I guess there could be some overlap there.

All right. Go eat a piece of fruit or take a walk or write a poem or do something cool. I'll be sitting right here, cheering you on.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. I am working like a fool. Nothing cool in the slightest. :) :)

  2. I'm pretty sure I could have been a mighty fine drug addict. As it is, after thirty years, I still could do with a smoke now and again. Problem is, I can't just have *one*.
    Weed made me paranoid, so that took the fun out of that one. Wasn't about to go sticking needles in me either.
    So maybe if I weren't a big paranoid chicken? Right.
    I'll stick to my coffee addiction. We'll see how that goes.

  3. I like Dallas Buyers Club too. I didn't watch anything but Downton Abbey last night. We are hooked on all the upstairs/downstairs stuff. I think that the downstairs is a lot more interesting than all the stuffed shirts upstairs.

  4. I am sooooo with you on the heroin.

  5. I absolutely know what you mean about the drugs. thank you for reminding me that every day i get up and don't take drugs is a freakin triumph. and i love you. and you are really very funny sometimes, as well as wise.

  6. SJ- YOU are cool. So there.

    Bob- I'm with you on the weed. God, I wish I liked it.

    Syd- Don't you think that was/is probably always the case for the most part?

    Angella- Why can't it be drugs AND hugs? Dang. Druggy hugs could be awesome.
    Love you, woman.

  7. I watched bits and pieces of the Golden Globes too, and found the funniest bits to be the most ironically true.

    I feel the same about heroin myself. Remember the Ramones song? 24 hours a day - I wanna be sedated.... I used to feel that way a lot. It's a wonder any of us made it out of the 60's and 70's alive, isn't it?

    I'm learning to do reality mostly straight up, which is a good thing when you're trying to be mom and a responsible citizen. But some days, I think beach bum was my true calling :)

    Glad you're feeling better and Owen's picture cracked me up.

  8. I watched the GGs and gave color commentary all night to my beloved husband who doesn't know a damn thing about Hollywood. Apparently I do, because I was yammering away giving little tidbits during the lulls. I fast forwarded Jackie Bissett's diatribe and now I wish I hadn't because it's all everyone talked about today. I love what Ronan Farrow tweeted about that freak Woody Allen, I wouldn't watch one of his movies now if you paid me, although I will always have a soft spot for Annie Hall. Only because I love Diane Keaton.

    I sound like I'M on drugs!

  9. We didn't watch the Golden Globes either, but I am very interested in seeing "The Dallas Buyer's Club," along with a bunch of other movies that I haven't yet dragged my carcass to. There definitely is a double-standard of beauty. I don't know why the ideal for women just gets skinnier and skinnier, at least in American culture.

  10. Mel- I freely admit that having children is what saved my life. Hard to be a decent mom when you're gorked on your ass on drugs. Ya know? Yes. Yes you do.

    heartinhand- I feel the same way about Woody Allen. Dude is not right and there are a hell of a lot of good movies that he did not make. But you're right- Annie Hall was terrific.

    Steve Reed- You should see that movie. Everyone should. Well, that's my opinion which really isn't worth much. And please don't get me started on the skinny-woman thing. Please.


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