Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Trying Not To Forget Joy

The boys will be here in an hour. I think there is nothing I need more in this world right now than to hold Gibson's sturdy body and kiss him which delights him and to let him bounce in my lap and to talk to Owen about things such as whatever in this world he wants to discuss which may be anything, anything at all. The other day he pointed to what was originally the kitchen of this house, a separate little building, and he said, "Where you get that?" and I told him that it came with the house and then he pointed to the trees and said, "Where you get those?" and I told him that someone else had planted them and he thought about that and said, "Nice."

Hank and Anna and May are coming over in the early afternoon to help me get this party together and help with the boys and I haven't even cleaned the bathroom which most people will use because Owen uses it and he's still not perfect when it comes to peeing in the toilet although he gets very, very close mostly but why clean until he's gone?

Oh my.

I remember when I was younger, we used to have parties all the time. People would come over, a spontaneous thing would occur and there we'd be and we lived in a house that was mostly windows in the back so you could go out into the backyard and it was like looking into a dollhouse with the front cut away and see into all the rooms and I loved that about that house, having grown up in a house where secrets were happening in every room and there were never parties. Never.
I would specifically go out back and look into that house and see the candles and the twinkle lights inside and the people I loved and I would stand there in my garden and I would think, "I have this. This is nothing like where I grew up, this is beautiful," and it was a joy to me.

I think about that now and I feel calmer. This is a different house, one I love so much, and there is no where to stand outside and see into all of the rooms but that's okay, people I love will be here and there will be twinkle lights and candles and hopefully music and children will be running about and there will be a fire in the backyard and oysters will be shucked and roasted and there will be coolers with ice and beer and the coffee pot will be ready for those who do not drink and no matter how many people come, most of them will gather in the kitchen which is not really that big and I just want people to have a good time.

I want people to have a good time.

I want the people, these people, that I love and have loved from so many different times in my life to come together and maybe have a conversation with someone unlike anyone they would ever meet in their daily lives which might, in fact, change their own lives or their own perspective and I know that has happened many times and I have been thinking a lot about how lately I have been dealing with life by being angry or mean or judgemental or thoughtless when really, that isn't how I want to be.
I think mostly I get scared. And it's okay to be scared or shy or anxious but it's not okay to turn that into a garment of prickles and knives, an armor of hurtful protection.

That's not what I believe in. That's not how compassion works or love and if I believe in anything, it is compassion and love.
And so that's what I am going to try to keep in the forefront of my mind today and tonight, too, instead of letting the ridiculous stress of it all overwhelm me, but to remember that grace can fall even into the messiest corners and the most anxious of hearts. That a heart can be like a house in that it must be open to the outside so that the light can go both ways and truly be felt and seen from within and without.
There is light in everyone. I know this. I want to see and recognize that.

Okay. Let this day begin. Come on boys. Time to play. Come on family. Time to hug and kiss and maybe swab the bathroom floor. Come on friends. Time to share it all.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. I used to love that about that house so much. Especially because you would have had no idea it was so big and bring from the front.

    Also, I read this: "garment of prickles and knives" as "garment of pickles and knives" and thought, "smelly."

    See you in just a bit!

  2. Oh I love the sound of that old house and this party will be wonderful I wish I could be there I really do, you said the same thing that I might have said, how often i used to have parties and the windows in the house and those days are so far away it seems but reading this was like going to the best party. Thank you

    Now you have fun!, the best parties are when the hostess has fun.

    you earned it.

  3. I am right there with you, getting geared up for the party, which I love but also get overwhelmed by. First, the cleaning. Then the shopping and the cooking. All while entertaining houseguests. Lets not forget to breathe and stand in the figurative back yard appreciating it all

  4. So much about this post resonated with me. Thank you for sharing your feelings about this party!

    I know it will be great because you are going into it with an open heart. Enjoy each and every moment of it!

  5. Hey Mary,

    I deal with anxiety in a similar way to you. I have been reading up about what the brain actually does when certain portions of it are over or under used (by no fault of our own) I believe part of this is genetic and part of it is childhood conditioning... However, it is fascinating.

    I am trying to learn to curb my natural reactions through nutrition and some other sort of natural methods (deep breathing, catching negative spirals and reframing, etc...) I'll let you know how it goes. DAMN that basal ganglia!

    Anyway, I will be thinking of you guys and knowing that you all will be gathering and celebrating life and gratitude and eating and drinking and dancing will bring me joy all the way on the other side of the ... world it feels like.
    HAVE FUN DAMMIT! ha! I am Gumby!

    xoxo hugs to everyone.

  6. Large pieces of this resonated with me so. Thank you, and have a great time with your boys and your party!

  7. This reminds me of my house in PA. God, what a good house and good parties. One night for my birthday, we were all outside being attacked by mosquitoes and we didn't care, we shot off bottle rockets and laughed and drank and smoked and it was marvelous.
    I hope for a party like that again soon. Thanks for the memory.
    I'm so glad you can belong to something as beautiful as this. xo

  8. Here's to compassion, love and empathy today and everyday. Grace is something else. It comes when I least expect it.

  9. Yep, love and compassion, love and compassion.

    I believe 99% of dog bites are dogs biting out of fear. When i'm snippy, i realize it's 99% rooted in my own insecurities.

    Anxiety is awful. Fear is a bitch. I'm with Petit Fleur, damn them basal ganglia!

    And thank It All, as Angella said, for the figurative, (and literal) backyard for a respite. Have a great party!

  10. A big silver half Moon is shining down through the window here . . . Thinking of you; shining silver, jangling and twinkling to the music . . . Shine on, Ms Moon x

  11. dear ms moon
    you are so wise in a wonderful, wistful way. thank you for sharing your thoughts.

  12. This made me cry.
    Reading backwards, I think your very intention seems to have made the party that happened feel like the best party ever.
    I love how you desribed the dollhouse and the lights and the difference from growing up and how it made you feel.
    I love how you've magically and defyingly and daringly created your life.
    You give me hope.
    Over and over.


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