Tuesday, November 13, 2012

I Don't Understand

I don't understand one bit of this whole Petraeus thing. Do you?
What the hell?

I feel sometimes like I'm living in a world I don't understand at all. Not one bit. Oprah is telling me, via the Huffpost, how to live. That woman just can't quit telling people how to live. And what to buy. I don't know. It's hard for me to relate to Oprah even though we're both women who were abused as children who struggle with our weight. You'd think that would be enough in common, wouldn't you?
Well, it's not.
Remember when she told everyone to buy t-shirt sheets? And everyone did? I didn't. Maybe I should have. Now she's telling everyone to meditate. There's a "meditation challenge." Somehow, throwing the world "challenge" in with "meditation" doesn't seem quite, uh, Zen?
Oh, Oprah.

I wonder if she'd like my dogs. She could totally have them if she did.

So are you going to go to Walmart Thanksgiving night? Gawd. Can you imagine? Or Target? They're going to open at 9 p.m. on Thanksgiving night too. I can just imagine people in those stores snatching up the Christmas decorations. The ones that will make your home look like it's a place where the "real meaning of Christmas" is to be found. Also, flat screen TV's at an incredibly low price.
Good for them!
There are people who have so many Christmas decorations that they have to rent storage in which to keep that shit for the eleven months of the year when it's not being used.
Christmas is good for the economy. No doubt about that.

Just thinking about it makes me want to stab myself to death with the bough of a fake, metal Christmas tree. That is not hyperbole, by the way. It's a cold, hard fact.

I guess I better take those dogs to the groomers. Do you realize I haven't left this property since last Friday? I swear. Not even to take the trash. Not even to take a walk. Not even to go to the post office. I guess I can do it. Leave the property. Take the dogs and then come back and take a walk. Baby steps. I still don't need to go to the grocery store. I still have frozen tuna steaks and an organic sweet potato. And leftovers. Galore. One person just doesn't eat that much. Weird, huh?

I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to spend much time trying to figure out the Petraeus thing. Sounds like a pure-T clusterfuck to me. I feel so sorry for the man's wife though. I really do. If you look at a picture of her and then of his mistress your heart just has to bleed. Mine does, anyway. And then look at a picture of him! He ain't no Playgirl centerfold. I don't understand men. I don't understand women, either, most of the time. I don't even understand myself.

Maybe Oprah could explain it to me. Or Deepak Chopra. He seems to have a lot of answers. Frankly, I think it's all just a fucking crap shoot. You're born with these genes in this situation. HAVE AT IT!

I tried to teach Owen how to dance like Mick Jagger yesterday. I showed him a video of Mick dancing. Owen tried out the cock-walk thing. He did pretty good but I couldn't convince him to wiggle his hips. Oh well.
He's young. You should see his daddy dance. He's got the genes and that's the truth.

Okay, okay. I'm going to take the dogs to see Miss Beverly now. Weird how I can remember THAT appointment but not the one where I was supposed to take my mother to the eye doctor.
Yeah, right.

Keep on dancing, y'all. However you can do it.
That's my plan.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. I have tshirt material sheets. Ok, well, pillow cases and a duvet cover. I adore them. Didn't know Oprah endorsed 'em, though. If you like warm and snuggly, there where it's at.

    I think Oprah's just trying to find her way... my mother was like that, she'd get enthused and want to share and everyone would accuse her of having 'another one of her fads'. Obviously, though, millions of people didn't hang on her every word.

    I just saw an MSN headline documenting Justin Beiber's breakup and wonderng 'what went wrong;. He's a CHILD. Nothing went wrong! For god's sake.

  2. Some men get enough power and they feel it means they should be able to have whatever they want without consequences. (And of course, some are just horndogs regardless.) I read somewhere this morning that Mrs. Petraeus is furious with her husband (well, duh) and I was SO glad she isn't doing the public walk of shame next to him.

    And I wonder why you forgot the eye appt. Self-preservation, perhaps?? ;)

  3. "That woman just can't quit telling people how to live."

    I giggled out loud at that line. :)

    I have an eye appointment today too. On we go.

  4. I really don't know why America seems to get off on living so vicariously. Who cares who Petraeus is doing it with, and I betcha his wife doesn't really care either. Kind of like Hillary not really caring what Bill did behind closed doors. Those kind of people live under a different code than us regular Joes. But, when they get busted, well...
    Also, I've never trusted Oprah and never trusted Chopra. I figure if people are making bunches of money off of their good deeds then something is wrong.

  5. I love this post. It captures exactly where I am right now. Sort of, wtf, but let's try to keep dancing.

  6. ah, ms moon, you keep it so real. i read somewhere that patraeus's wife was "furious" and i thought, good, better that than curled up in a corner somewhere.

    i do have a few theories about the whole other woman and other other woman thing, and how it went down. you know me. i can always come up with a good conspiracy theory. in any case, i think the whole thing is getting such play because the election is over and there is a news vacuum.

    my husband said, did he not ever see fatal attraction (the movie)? for some reason this hit my funny bone.

  7. I was at the grocery store yesterday and saw Oprah's magazine with all her favourite things. I just rolled my eyes. A few years back she had a $700.00 pair of pyjamas as one of her favourite things. Seriously.

    Kinda sad that her favourite things are not family and friends.

  8. You know how t-shirts after they are worn a few times get all stretched out and lose all form - well that's what happens with t-shirt sheets too and THEY ARE HORRIBLE SLIPPING AND SLIDING OFF THE BED. I had them once in college. Never again.

    I seriously doubt Oprah sleeps in t-shirt sheets...

    This morning, even though it's going to be 75 degrees in Phoenix today, I saw a house lined up more like vomited all over by fake Christmas trees with tinsel and garlands and plastic snow. God, imagine the smell of all that manufactured potpourri!

  9. Never heard of t-shirt sheets. I've got stretchy microfibre ones though which are wonderfully warm and cozy in the winter. I doubt it gets cold enough there for you to need them. It's not even cold enough here yet. Oprah has made a very good living telling people what to do. I, for one, have never followed her advice. Maybe if she gave advice on how to make a crapload of money I'd listen.

    Never heard of what's his name and his affair. I googled it but couldn't be bothered reading about it. His wife should divorce his ass and take half the money and enjoy her life. I'll bet the kids like her better anyway. It's not like she's gettin any with him anyway - he can't possible have enough testosterone to keep that many women happy. And he looks like a squirt. Why would any attractive woman want him? He must give great gifts. Or tongue. But the lights would have to be off I'm afraid.

    It's really none of my business anyway.

  10. The t-shirt sheets all have holes in them. Humph!

    I dance whenever I can. Even these old bones can't stop when the beats a hoppin'.

    XXX Beth

  11. Most days, there are things you have written that I have to read aloud to my husband because they are so - perfect. I read him your description of the Petraeus situation - and he said "pure-T huh?" I explained how that was a southern way of saying that something was completely and utterly whatever was the descriptive term that followed the phrase "pure-T" I couldn't provide the origin of the phrase however. So he tried to google it - nothing. He tried to put it in the urban dictionary - nothing. I suggested that maybe he should try the rural dictionary - alas there is no such thing.

    So - do you know the origin of the phrase "pure-T"?

  12. I've never heard of t-shirt sheets. Clearly I am behind on my Oprah! (I never paid much attention to her, I must admit.)

    The Petraeus thing is mesmerizing in a sort of Greek-tragedy way, like so many of these scandals. You just can't help rolling your eyes and wondering what these people were thinking. But really the only important question is whether security was compromised.

  13. T shirt sheets are SO SOFT. My favorite.

  14. My husband and I walked through a mall yesterday to buy some sunscreen that doesn't irritate my contacts and we were stunned at the amount of Christmas stuff already out. The woman at the Macy's counter said she would have to come in at midnight Thanksgiving day, and wasn't sure how she'd do the holiday for the family, not sleep and then work black Friday. Who shops at midnight? Who does this stuff? We both frequently say we have lost touch with our culture. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I am from outer space when I look around.

  15. I wonder about the dynamics of the whole affair--Petraeus screwing one lady who is then pissed off at another lady that she thinks is screwing Petraeus who then contacts the FBI and that FBI guy starts sending bare-chested photos to the lady who really isn't screwing Petraeus. Weird--definitely like a train wreck among a bunch of high schoolers. It must have been really lonely in Afghanistan.

  16. OMG, when you said, "Or Deepak Chopra", I just cracked up. You are the funniest and smartest and bestest person I've ever met. I adore you.


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