Sunday, November 11, 2012

Heart Murmurs

I have been so quiet today.
Mostly what I've done is watch Call The Midwife. Yes. That's about it.
I think I miss my husband. I miss his physical presence, yes, but I also miss the buffer he offers me against the world, against loneliness, against the fears that settle into my bones and take their hats off and drape their coats on the backs of chairs and settle down to stay.

This is the way of it.

There is some part of me that doesn't trust anyone's ability to do this for me. When one, as a child, does not experience that presence in their life, another person (or, in the best case, two persons) who protects and provides and cherishes, it is difficult, I think, to trust that one is worthy of such and one becomes to believe that either such an idea is an illusion or that, alternately, not something which will ever truly come to you.

To others maybe. But not really to you.
Or to me, as the case may be.

And when Mr. Moon goes away, even though it is completely illogical, there is a part of me which says  to myself, "See? People always leave."

My mind has not been a pleasant place to be in today. Not at all. Nor my body either. Every year when my husband goes away, I develop mysterious pains and aches and illnesses and I sleep like sleep is water and I am dying of thirst. I think it is my mind's twisted way of keeping me close to home. It tells me I am ill and therefore, anchored to house and bed.
So it has been this weekend.

Well, it's Sunday night. La-di-dah. The night-time birds are chirping their evening song, the chickens are put away safely in the roost, the cat is fed. A car goes down the street, its tires making swish-song, then it is gone. And tomorrow, the boys will be here at 6:30 in the morning and that will be a completely different sort of day. There will be chaos again and kisses. There will be someone else to cook for, to care for, to tend, to love. 

I am not so good, I think, at receiving love. I am better, I believe, at giving it but except for giving it to children, there always seems vast risk involved.

I'm sorry. I think I miss my husband.
I miss a lot of things. I have missed a lot of things. Sometimes I feel as if I have pretended to know how to do calculus when I never learned my times tables. Does this make sense?

Well. I'll be here tomorrow. Things will look different then. They always do.

And right now, I'm reaching into the deepest part of my heart to find the words to end this. To come up with something that will say it all, be so truthful and so eternally real. But all I can think of is this:

Come home, baby. Come home safe.

Much love...Me


  1. Oh lord, Mary. I struggle with this mightily: while I believe that other people deserve people who love them, I am deeply suspicious and doubtful that such a thing is possible for me. My mother has always told me to 'not get my hopes up'--because of course I too am terrified that what I love will not love me, will leave. I remember, when I was a teenager, my cousin (who's a crazy evangelical Christian yet/because she was molested by her youth group leader, and yet/because she is married to an evangelical minister now) told our family she couldn't come to family functions any more b/c her church told her that she couldn't trust that other people would love her, only God.

    UGH. And yet, and yet. I'm far from an evangelical (Ha!) but I understand what it means to know how to love, and not know really what it means to accept love, or rather to believe myself worthy of receiving love.

    You're not alone. And we love you. And Mr. Moon will come home. And that's the miracle, isn't it? If there are any miracles. There are. You're one of them, believe me. Much love and solidarity from the hinterlands of Michigan.

  2. come home, baby, come home safe.

    I don't think there is anything more truthful or eternally real. dear mary, if it helps, we are here. We are all here, loving you, being so very grateful for you. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

  3. You've touched me here Mary. Maybe it is the vulnerability I hear and relate so much to because I swear sometimes I think you have it all and I admit I get envious, but at the same time I understand your other side. Like a little girl almost.
    I would give the world for a Mr. Moon to shield me from the outside and of course you miss such a force. He is your person! (As they say on Gray's Anatomy.)And, soon he will be back home with you.
    Peace be with you.

  4. Dear Mary my sweet,

    I did a wedding today and I gotta believe that we are lovable, that those that say they'll be there will, that the love we give returns to us.

    Watch Antonia's Line sometime. It's epic and true.

    Know that I've always got your back, forever and ever.

    XXX your friend, Beth

  5. Jo- I think a lot of us do know how this feels.

    Sara- Our stories. We all have such similar stories, even if they are so very different. Here, honey. Come on in. It's okay. You, too, are worthy of love.

    Angella- You made me cry so much. In a way that I needed so much. Thank you.

    Rubye- Yes! I do have it all! And yet, if I can't accept it, then what does it mean? Lord, I have been lucky. And I know it. But it doesn't mean that anything is easy. Not one damn thing. I am pretty sure that my husband will return but you know- I am never certain.

    Beth- God. Oh God. I love you so much. How can this even be?

  6. I have had a really bad day today also... I may be slipping into the black funk hole. Everything seems pointless, etc...

    I understand, in my way what you mean. I have been feeling the black dog quite a lot lately. Its been a while since I have so I'm struggling with how to deal with the bastard.

    Hopefully tomorrow is better for all of us. I see many others are feeling icky too. You will have boy and baby love which will keep most of the badness at bay for a while.

    Feel better. Thinking of you from the other side of the world. (Well, it feels that way)

  7. It's Sunday, MM. Just fucking Sunday.

    I have been quiet too. We'll be okay tomorrow.

  8. Ms. Moon, It all makes sense to me. You've expressed it so clearly. Many of my Sundays are spent asleep. xo

  9. You are a mighty fine person. I am going to be a broken record and tell you again (for the 100th?? time) how much your blog and you mean to me. Sitting in my cozy house with my dog on my lap. And it snowed for a few minutes today. And it is cold has hell outside. And I check in with you. You are a mighty fine person.

  10. tony went up north for an overnight last weekend and i stayed home with the pets to finish the report cards. it was odd and seemed very awkward, i filled the silence with loud music and made myself work and remain on task and in the back of my mind i was thinking, was this all my life consisted of before we met and started dating/got married?

    it made me appreciate him all the more when he got back the next day.

    i guess we need these times to see where we came from and to know how much richer our lives are with the right people in them.

    thinking of you tonight- be well


  11. Oh, Mary. Your heart hurts because it is so big. Being highly sensitive is a real drag some days. Have a hot bath and be good to yourself.

  12. "I miss a lot of things. I have missed a lot of things. Sometimes I feel as if I have pretended to know how to do calculus when I never learned my times tables. Does this make sense?"

    It does make sense. This made me cry. Mostly because you've been so honest with us and for this reason I know how deep and layered that statement is. I'm sorry for the times tables you missed. I so very, very am. I think you do know calculus. Somehow you got equipped to get the answers right even if you get there in less conventional ways.

    But the child in you? I am sad that she was robbed of times tables. But I am happy that she opened her heart and her life to Mr. Moon. We love you, Sister Moon. All of these virtual and real friends have you encircled in the biggest group hug ever.

  13. Oh, sweetheart. I know. Harvey healed me, and I am so very lucky to know that somewhere, somehow, he is still cheering me up and cheering me on.

    I can love because of Harvey. I guess I am choosing to try it again, someday, somehow, although the fact that I have renounced dating after next week makes it seem unlikely.

    You and Mr. Moon will have many, many more years together. I just know it in my bones.

    XOXO to the depression, as I totally get it.

  14. It is the sweetest of blessings to miss someone so.

  15. My heart feels tender with the recognition of your thoughts and feelings. s. Jo

  16. It's got to be hard to have the routine of your life disrupted by an absence. You'll feel more in the normal rhythm of things when the boys show up today!

  17. I have fear of abandonment. I tend to isolate. I realized when my wife had her heart attack that eventually everyone does leave. But I also realize that I don't have to think about the future and project abandonment. I'm glad that those I love are okay and here today. Mr. Moon will be home soon. And today the laughter of children will fill your house. That's love and happiness.

  18. Just stopping by to see how you are feeling today. xo

  19. I'm with the good doctor, this one made me cry too, and made me think a head full of things.

    He will come home safely to you and all will be right again in the world.

    The first time I cuddled up with my husband and laid my head on his chest and listened to his strong, steady slow heart beat was the first time I felt relaxed, safe and present in my life. He's my touchstone, and the only thing that has really made sense in my life. And part of me never felt I deserved that, but having had it, I feel even more vulnerable without it. I always, always come up with panicky scenarios when he is out of town and never rest easy until he's back home.

    I'm hoping your grandkids are the cure for what ails you today.

    I'm not sure everybody has to know the calculus, there's too much to know to know it all. But you know so much more than you think you do, you are a wise, wise woman. You are.


  20. I'm really hoping you feel safer today Ms Moon.
    I could cry for the want of a strong man to love me . . . But then I'd probably push him away, for fear of losing him anyway. I don't think I'm brave enough to rely on another for anything . . . Or brave enough to face it all alone.
    I hope your boys brightened your day today x

  21. I'm feeling very quiet, too.
    I don't have many words, except to tell you that I hope you are feeling better and I was and am here like all the others who think of you as a beautiful truth-teller. Sending love. xo

  22. It is my belief that Dan came back so quickly after moving out when we were having so much trouble earlier this year because he didn't want to be away from the kids, not because he wanted to be with me. So as a daughter who was not loved in that way, I respect and appreciate that he loves our kids that way. But as a girl who was not loved by her father, I am not surprized that my husband didn't come back for *me*.


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