Wednesday, November 2, 2011
What If Tears Were Honey?
Lily is so beautiful right now that it's hard to believe- I mean, she's always been beautiful but this baby is making her shine brighter than these fall days or spring days or both together and I think it's all the love, love, love. You should see the way she loves that Owen boy. You should see it. She has never been more beautiful. She IS spring and she IS life and she IS Beauty and I remember those days of being pregnant and sometimes I did feel full-to-bursting with beauty and life and sometimes I just felt so tired.
That is life.
I tell Lily, "You are so beautiful." I tell Owen, "You are so beautiful."
I tell this day, "You are so beautiful."
Last night Mr. Moon was late getting in from playing poker (well, late for him, not really so late) and I woke up and where was he? and my stomach clenched and I curled around myself with a book and read, read, read, one tiny molecule of brain on the book, the rest all wrapped in worry and he came in and I said, "I was worried!" and he said, "Don't worry about your man!" and I said, "I can't help it."
He held me and we slept and maybe, maybe the older you get the more you can see the beauty, the more you can truly know how love makes beauty and the more you know how slick this road of life is and the more you fear the loss as the golden coins of all that love pile up.
The more there is of love, the more there is to lose.
The more you know of light, the more the darkness penetrates.
Or something. I do not know.
I only know it is so bright today, there is so much goodness and it scares me and I think of all the gold I have spent, unknowingly, already slipped through my fingers and that's all right- that is the way it should be- grasping at love is no good, it is, in fact, impossible, but how to let it flow like a sparkling river without wanting to haul buckets of it up to a safe place, knowing all the while that if it was not flowing, the water would be as gray as the bucket, as still as lead?
It is a day that I want to gather all of my babies to me and hold them so tightly. I want to touch their faces, their beautiful faces, I want to let my love for them spill off my fingers and into their heart-pockets. I want them to know how much I have always loved them, will always love them, how much love there is in this world for them, I only channel some of it, not all, but certainly all I have which is not inconsiderable.
I think love has made me crazy today. I think it has made me insane. I think the light is driving me out of my mind. I wasn't made to hold all of this and even as I have lived it, this life has not prepared me for itself.