Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Hovering Between Worlds

Chilly morning and quiet. My back aches as if I curled up into a ball last night and never uncurled. I know this not to be true.
This is a day to take a good walk. This is a day to walk it all off.

We had three trick-or-treaters. Three. Sigh. Children from across the street. There was a storm trouper, a Minerva, a Persephone. I think. I told Persephone I should have given her a pomegranate. She laughed.

I feel like a jelly fish, all blob and no way to reach out and control anything. Usually, that is okay in my book. Today it makes me feel helpless.
Is it the day to wash the sheets? I don't know. Is it the day to sweep the petals of the sasangua off the hallway altar? To dust it? To carefully wipe the face of the Queen of Mexico free of the black dust of Lloyd?
I don't know.

Here is something:
Jessie and Vergil are going to meet us in Cozumel.
This is...well, unbelievable.

It was Vergil's idea and Jessie joyfully jumped on the idea. They have flights booked and are looking at hotels. Do you know that I have been going to Cozumel longer than Jessie has been alive?
It's true. I have.

When she was a little girl, she would wrap a cloth around her head and talk about her "ancient land." Finally one day I asked her where her ancient land was.
"Meximo City!" she announced gleefully.

Jessie is coming to her ancient land. I have a strong feeling she's never going to want to leave. I never did either, but had babies at home to return to and so I always did but there have been, to be quite honest, tears at the departure gate far more than once.

The only thing that makes me sad about this plan is that Jessie's siblings have never been to Cozumel. When I had that Yankee agent and she was sending me flowers and swearing she was going to sell my book, the only think I wanted to do with any money I might make was to take all of my babies to Cozumel and rent some fine house on the beach and all be together in the place I have come to love so very, very much.
Well, la-di-dah on that one.

But the idea of showing the island to Jessie and Vergil makes me very, very happy. Of sharing it with them. I can't even begin to tell you.
They are probably not going to stay in the same hotel as we do and last night I talked to Jessie on the phone about different cheap places to stay and I kept saying, "It doesn't matter. Wherever you stay will be clean and you'll love it and if you don't, you can just move."
Her daddy and I moved hotels many times. It is the way of it.
They're going to fly into Cancun and then take a bus to Playa del Carmen and take the ferry over to Cozumel. We'll pick them up.
I just can't even imagine how that will be. We'll have been there for a few days by then and hopefully, we'll be our Cozumel-selves which means we'll be far younger and more beautiful, that Mr. Moon and I.
I wonder if Jessie and Vergil will even recognize us.
We shall take them to Casa Denis for sopa de lima, perhaps, for their first meal. And Jessie will finally know what the hell I've been trying to do with chicken and spices and lime juice all these years.

We shall take them to Plaza Leza where, no matter how long we've been gone, the waiter says, "Welcome home." We shall advise them to only order the pequeno margarita. A large one would kill a horse.

Okay. Stop.

I am so immersed in memory right now that when I just went out to feed the chickens, I woke up in the middle of throwing corn and thought, "Where am I?" and I looked around me and for a second, I was shocked to be in Lloyd.

This is how strong Cozumel is in my blood. This is how much I long to be there and can't believe I am going back. I wonder- will it become this way for my daughter and Vergil too?
What will happen if they go there? Because you know, the island is sacred to Ixchel, the Mayan Goddess of fertility and of childbirth and of creativity and of...the moon.

It could happen that they are merely embarrassed by the antics of the old people, kissing, kissing, kissing.

It could be a good thing that we shall be in separate hotels. I have a feeling there will be a lot of kissing going on between the young people too.

I can see Jessie walking through the zocalo at night, taller than the Mayan men, I can see the men falling down and swooning as she walks. I can see her father and I, holding hands and saying, "Do you see, do you see? Smell? Hear? Do you feel the soft air of this island?"

Oh, the free shots of tequila and Kahlua that child is going to receive.

I don't want to walk in Lloyd today, I don't want to leave this dream. It is the Day of the Dead and the curtain between here and there is thin. Perhaps Cozumel is nothing but a dream. Is it possible to have witnesses to a dream?

We shall see, won't we? We shall see if Jessie and Vergil's feet learn the sidewalks of Cozumel the way mine do. We shall see if they step into a dream, swim into a dream, swallow whole a dream, eat the sunset with dreaming eyes.

I wish all of my children could be there with their own loves.

Well, maybe some day.

Shake my head. Wake up to this good day in Florida. Dry my eyes which have filled and overfilled with memory and tears. God, that sounds so corny. Well, fuck it. It's true.

Buenos dias, ninas y ninos. Buenos dias and hello and let us all walk carefully today, choosing our steps well. The curtain is thin. Do not get lost somewhere unless it is where you really want to be. There is more magic than we know and I, I am lost in it.

Persephone would understand.

I have eaten the seeds of the pomegranate. I am swimming in waters of blue with my lover, mi esposo, mi hombre.


  1. The thought of sopa de lima makes me want to cry.

  2. We both have Mexico in our heart today. Old or New. The new having been the old. It will be wonderful to show Jessie the place.
    I visited Florida once with my son and it made me so happy to share a bit of the States with him. I suppose you will have the same good feeling only it will be Mexico. It will be great...

  3. I am glad Jessie and Vergil will get to the know the place you and Mr. Moon love so much.

    I hope everyone can make the trip one day.

    I love you.

  4. Ah, Casa Denis. one of our early trips years and years ago (1985ish?), we were tired of the hotel food, tired of the restaurants that catered to tourist food. everything too fancy and sauced up, too contintental. we just wanted some plain good food so we asked one of the shop keepers where the locals eat and he directed us to Cafe Denis. at the time it was a small place, we were led through the building to the courtyard behind with that big beautiful tree in the center and the family homes surrounding it. we were the only tourists there, the only ones whose native language was not Spanish and the food was simple, plentiful, and divine. we ate there many times. on subsequent visits it was our main eating establishment. on our last visit, also many years ago, the had been discovered I suppose and expanded and had many more tables out front and we were no longer the only non-native spanish speakers but the food was just as good and the ambience just as good. I wonder how it is now. be sure and tell me.

  5. So nice that Jessie and Vergil will be going. It sounds like a wonderful place to go.

  6. I have been thinking about the same things, Mamacita. I will be overjoyed to see you and Daddy as your young-loving selves. And who knows what is in store for Vergil and my Cozumel hearts? It will be lovely, lovely, lovely.

  7. This is lovely, but I have a fear that soon all of your family may be joining you there and you'll have to do Christmas after all.

    Though, in fairness, my godmother's family spent Christmas in Sri Lanka a couple years ago and said it was the best one yet. They don't like it either.

  8. Sometimes losing track of where I am when happens to me when I am writing, too. I am writing about Vietnam and I haven't been there since 1989. I get so lost in the research and memories that I look up in sort of a daze.

    Oh the anticipation! Being in Cozumel with your man and Jessie and her man sounds like a great way to while away the holidays. x0 N2

  9. I can't imagine them being at all embarrassed by all the kissing; surely they have learned well from you and will be doing their own, too in love to be worried about what you are doing! As it should be.

    It will be lovely.

  10. Stephanie- One of my favorite, favorite foods on this earth.

    Photocat- I have been to New Mexico as well as Old and the new is beautiful too. It is not in my blood though, like the old. And I can't wait to share it.

    Ms. Bastard-Beloved- And you, too?

    Ellen Abbott- Well, as recently as two years ago, not much has changed there. Same brown checked tableclothes, same giant tree in back. Same wonderful food.
    Isn't it amazing we've both eaten there and loved it so?

    Syd- I do love it. I think Jess and Vergil will too. I hope so.

    Elizabeth- Can you feel it?

    honeyluna- I just hope you love it as much as I do. That you see what I see in it. I love you so much.

    Jo- If we all went to Cozumel for Christmas, I don't think we would be worrying about chicken salad.
    I think it would be great.

    N2- I have had that same experience, writing, many times.
    It's powerful as hell.

    Kori- I doubt they will be. And we'll try to keep our clothes in public. Tee-hee.

    A- Bliss beyond bliss.

  11. oh, you'll have such a joyous time. I'll think of you enjoying the warmth while I'm bundling up my babies (winter is coming here in the Nort'woods!)
    Yes, I have BABIES!!!! Stop by and see them when you have a minute between making plans and traveling!

  12. I'm behind in my reading of your blog and now I've somehow ended up in Cozumel. Ah...thank you.


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