Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Keep Moving

Anxiety? Depression?
Anxiety? Depression?
Let's call it anxpression. 
For when you don't know which is the overriding malady of the day.

So whatever you want to call it, it's pulling me down and over and through. Sometimes anxiety is described as a sense that something horrible is about to happen any/every moment.
But sometimes, it seems to me, that anxiety feels more like something completely elemental and necessary is missing. Or about to go missing.
Something so important that it may be glue of sanity, of life itself.
I don't know.
I do not know shit.

But this morning I thought about what I could do to try and feel better and I decided to cut some greens and take them down to Ms. Liola because I hadn't seen her in forever and I knew she must be worried and besides that, I feel so guilty because I haven't been back to see her since I tried to help her get an AC last year and realized that if you plugged an AC unit in that trailer, the whole thing would
(a) collapse, and
(b) burn down.

So I cut mostly collards and some mustards and kale and wrapped them up and tied them with string like a green bundled baby and walked down to her place. I saw the Sheik, out in the yard and called to him and he said, "Where you been? We all been worried about you."
"I'm fine, I'm fine," I said. "Is Liola home?"
"She's home," he said and went to the trailer and called out at the door, "Lee! Someone here wanting to see you."
And she came to the door and oh god, y'all. She was SO happy to see me. I can't even tell you.
Which made me feel worse than I had before.
We talked and caught up and she laughed, remembering the time I brought Owen and Gibson to visit her. I don't think she'll ever forget that. I asked about her grands in Texas and she said they might come visit in June and her son's trying to help her figure out how to get a new trailer or something. Move her to Texas maybe.
I would hate to see her move but someone has to help this woman. I don't know how in hell she could last another summer in that falling apart metal box.
Then we got to talking about the election and I told her that I hadn't been right since that day and she said she felt the same. We began to talk about the things going on, the scary, horrible things, and I cried and she felt so bad for me and kept saying, "I know! I know! I feel the same way. But you're going to be okay!"
"I want everyone to be okay!" I said. "Everyone!"
Which I know is completely ridiculous but I do and then she kept telling me that if I ever needed anything, to call on her which shamed me so bad because I have everything in this world I need and she doesn't even have floors she can walk on in certain places.
Fuck. What a world.
And of course all of that made me cry even more and I'm crying now and does it seem sometimes as if all I do is cry?
She finally came down from her steps and put her arms around me and said, "I got to get me a hug now," and I said, "Don't let me breathe on you. I've been sick."
And she said, "That's all right."
And what a hug it was.

We ended up with her telling me she was going to cook those greens today. I asked if she was going to make cornbread to go with them and she laughed and said, "You know it."

And then I went on and walked a short and fairly slow walk. The fally-down house is getting closer to gravity every day.

I wanted to take a picture of the end on the right side where the only thing holding it up seems to be a tree which has grown up there but it's surrounded by poison ivy and I wasn't risking that.

So. That was every bit of anything worth doing that I did today. I feel like I'm going to come out of my skin and I feel such despair at the thought of everything. That man, that horrible, horrible man, is determined to kill us all with his deregulations on the environment and we're just sitting here letting him and the drug industry is doing everything it can to addict people to its products and deny us the right to cannabis and people like Ms. Liola are in dire straits already with the tiny pittance that Social Security and Medicare may provide and are in danger of losing even that while The Braggadocio in Chief swells and swells with pride and gluttony and vows to stuff even more money down the glutted craw of the military and build a wall to keep out his perceived enemies, the very people upon whose backs his fortunes have been made in many instances, and you don't need me to tell you.
You know.
We all know. Even the ones who hold their hands out to steady him as he totters off to his golden toilet in his golden palace, who bow their heads at his passing and pat his back with feigned affection and we all know, we all know, that no one in this world has any real affection for him at all but are only there because the winds of fortune and power seem to be blowing that way although it would seem to me that it is apparent to even those toadies that this is an ephemeral wind indeed and in the end, history will report that all of the King's horses and all of the King's men could not even begin to put that man back together again once he has fallen from that golden throne.

I am getting a few more chicks tomorrow. I think I will get to see August. Maybe Jessie and I will walk down to show him off to Ms. Liola who, when she met him last year, was charmed by his baby ways.
I am not going to lose hope. Not for any of us. I am going to remember how, upon parting, I took Liola's hand and we patted each other as softly as a mother pats her baby's bottom.
I am going to try and be the person Liola says I am which is a loving and caring person. I am going to try and use whatever anxiety and depression I have to make me a more empathetic and aware person. If I must suffer it, then goddam it, I want to reap some benefit.

We're going to be okay. We're going to be okay.
We are going to be okay.

Believe. Breathe. Don't give up and don't forget to look for beauty, to hold out your hand to another, to absolutely not give up.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. Some days I wonder if I could just worry about me. If I couldn't give a fuck about the people in my neighbourhood. if i didn't care about the people I go to care for each day in my job. What would it be like to say that the US isn't *my* home so I don't care. What would it be like to get up in the morning and make it all about me, me, me? Instead you and I and so many others carry this damned burden of anxiety and depression. As you say, we want everyone to be okay. I want my clients to be well. I don't want my kids to be poor. I want the neighbors to not feel scared. I want everyone in the US to have access to free healthcare. I want refugees to be in a safe place. I want a world where there are no walls, real or figurative. As for me, I don't really give a shit. I would like to see my grandchildren one day. That's about it.

  2. Oh Mrs. Moon ... I read your blog all the time but barely ever comment. But I always go to your words hoping for my spirits to be lifted, and they always are. It is a very rare gift you have with your words and pictures. I know it seems like it is not much considering the vast forces arrayed against kindness and peaceableness, but it is a LOT. Your words make such a difference. This may not take away your ANXPRESSION but I hope it lifts it just a teeny bit. THANK YOU.

  3. Anxiety and depression a way of life. I keep all my herb and spices in a special drawer in alphabetical order. Sometime I just open the drawer to see something orderly.

    1. I don't often comment on comments that are not on my blog but yours made me so sad. You are one of the people I wish to be okay and at peace. I'm sorry that the order in your world has to be your spice drawer. I hope this comment will bring you peace tonight so you can go to bed without looking at your spice drawer. Just for tonight, someone is holding space for you.

  4. Mrs Moon.....I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could help you. If someone hasn't experienced living with anxiety it is awful.

    I do want to recommend that you try something that helps me: Karma Moffett does Tibetan Bowl music and if you go on to youtube and type in Golden Bowls Karma Moffett it will come up and you can play it and put on headphones. It will relax you and help. It's not a solution by any means but I swear it calms me and takes the edge off.

  5. Thank goodness for human kindness, yours, Miss Liolas, that hug. It's hard not to cry lately, so much terrible horrible news in every direction. Thank god for hugs. Your heart is just to big and too wide open to not be danxious or anxpressed. I wish there was another way.
    Here, I've been sharing my daughter's sorrow over the suicide of a friend, a seemingly happy young man. Two suicides at her school this week, I don't understand them giving up so soon, feeling so hopeless, but the world is a cruel place sometimes. Even with love and hugs I guess. We are all holding each other tight here, and hope you are there too. May this anxious time pass for us all sooner rather than later. xo

  6. We are going to be ok yes. But I understand the despair you wrote about here today. It's suffocating. Thankfully we have communities like here and like what you have with"real" people too. Those help.

  7. Your heart is so big that it WILL sustain you. I know this. I am sorry that you are feeling anxiety and depression and I admire you for talking about it, for enduring it like you do. Right now, it's almost 10:30 at night and the BIRDS are singing like crazy and I'm thinking what the hell is going on that birds are singing like this? Am I crazy? Anyway. I love you, Mary Moon.

  8. Darling, I am hurting, too. I cannot believe what we are allowing Commander Marmalade to get away with. It is liking watching the antics of Idi Amin, surely the Commander will not take to eating the hearts of his enemies! I have lived with the twin devils of depression and anxiety for most of my life. Lately what helps is a diet free of red meat -- I dunno but I think getting away from the extra hormones was a good idea. After the election, I edit what information via the media I take in. Bless you

  9. This is as poignant a description of our current political and social situation as I've read yet! This is a painful time -- for all of us, I think. But thank goodness for Ms. Liola and the Sheik and all the kids and grandkids and others who surround and sustain you. (Thank goodness for blogland, too!)

    I may have my head in the sand, but I've simply come to recognize that I can't do anything about what's happening beyond my own individual voting rights and periodic protests. I feel a helplessness about it all. It's out of my hands, you know? That doesn't mean it sickens me any less, but I can't despair about it too much either.

    1. Oh, and I'm glad you updated us about the fally-down house. I was just wondering the other day (as I was using one of our bookmarks) whether it had fallen down yet!

  10. he does seem intent on undoing everything Obama did because Obama made jokes at his expense at the Correspondents Dinner and he is nothing if not a vindictive bastard. and hurting Americans is not good enough. he has already killed more civilians with his drones and military strikes than Obama did in 8 years. RESIST. I will not succumb.

  11. You did a wonderful thing on a difficult day and that lifts me up. I love the house and that you had this visit with Liola.
    And the day will come when this awful man will run out of steam. One day even the religious right will say, that's it, not our kind of man.
    There will be a tide turning. Just wait and be ready.

  12. I hope you are feeling better today loving lady.

  13. Anxiety and,depression.... Nothing more debilitating

  14. The internal feelings are harder to fight than the Trump shit, maybe. The world has always been full of big bad shit. It's still ok not to be Robin Hood. You're making the 2 square feet around you green and full of love, and that.is.enough.

    I think you're doing the right thing - breathe, and be with it. It's a horrible feeling, but at the end of the day, it's a feeling. Maybe remembering that helps us out the other side.

    I've seen you here before, and you've come out the other side - you will again. Hold on for that. Love to you xx

  15. Depression and anxiety can steal so much time and energy, as so many of us know all too well. Hoping things are easing up for you.


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