Slant of light, exact composition of air, scent of tea-olive, downed pecan leaves crunched under feet, these bring it all back, whatever it is, this diamond-sharp shard in heart.
Just as new injuries exacerbate old ones in bone and muscle in the corporeal sense, so they do in emotional sense too and none of it makes any sense except that it all does and there is fantastic relief in that- knowing that perhaps 99% of everything felt is nothing more than scar tissue, stretched and re-reddened, the rub of old bone-sticks against old bone-sticks. I think of Halloween's skeletons, their merry grin, they know it all.
Look- pain catches but simply hold still. Breathe in and out, it melts away, there is nothing at all to fear. Red tides come and go, pain's memory is held in every cell, can it be washed away, ever, by the great, good healing of joy?
What is any of this except the undeniable map of a life lived so far? What is any of this at all except for molecules of light, of scent, of pulse of sound upon eardrum?
Wrap your body in blue linen that flows around your legs like water, your arms in softest cotton which holds them as gently as a lover's arms, warm under the covers. Feed your mouth sweet apples and bitter greens and look upon your feet, strong as a dancers', having yes, danced, through all these years. Comb your hair and tie it up above your neck which holds the head which holds the brain which holds the thoughts collected in all the cells through all the years. Ignore at your leisure, review at your pleasure, wear all your jewelry like queen's gold treasure around neck, around arms, around fingers, dripping from earlobes, fat like Buddha's, perhaps, or not.
It is the end of October and light like honey falls over all, pouring shining illuminating, go ahead and close your eyes against it, it is too strong and will not be shut out. Be gentle with yourself and hold a fresh warm egg in the palm of your hand, notice the perfection in both, be aware of that possibility even of your own hand- perfection- holding an egg- and the honey light filling all the spaces where the egg does not and even in the spaces it does.
The light will not be shut out nor the sound or the scent which it seems to carry just like the warmth of it, not in October, not today at least. It is something like joy, don't you think? And if there is pain, simply be still and breathe in and breathe out feel it melt away, softened and changed and then gone.
Repeat and repeat and repeat as necessary.
That is what this day is for, today, maybe not tomorrow but this shining day of light.