Monday, October 15, 2012

Not Skin Cancer. Just Insanity

By the time I got to the doctor, I was practically comatose from anxiety. Like, the worm was there, it was just paralyzed from fear. Full on out-of-body experience.

Every fucking poster in the dermatologist's office had A PICTURE OF MY FUCKING UGLY PLACE ON IT! with words like, "These signs point to danger!" and yes, I had all of the signs. All of them. Except no bleeding.

So the doctor comes in and he asks me what's going on and I tell him and he says, "Let's take a look," and he does and he IMMEDIATELY says, "Oh, no. That's nothing."

"What? What? It has all the signs! It looks like all the pictures!" I point to one of the pictures on the wall. Actually FOUR pictures. They all looked just like the place on my leg. "Plus, rapid growth, plus itching!"

The man drills the facts about things to look for into me every time I go in there which is about once a year. Or so. DRILLS THOSE FACTS! Which is why I was freaking out.

"Oh, sometimes you can't tell by the pictures. Or the signs," he said casually in a complete and utter refutation of every bit of information he's given me in the past ten years.

So what, I ask you, is the fucking point?

I don't know. But I do know that I am so very, very grateful not to have the skin cancer. And he removed the ugly place and he reassured me that I have inherited my mother's ugly skin stuff which is exacerbated by sun exposure (hello! I grew up in Florida!) and I've surely passed it on to my kids and there's nothing to be done about it. Just the way it is. Sorry kids. Stay out of the sun.
Unless we're at the beach. Haha!

The place on my leg had gotten irritated from my damn phone in my damn pocket when I take my damn walks. Why do I have my phone with me on my walks? Because I use it as a pedometer. And if I need to take a picture of something, I have it with me. And also so if a bear attacks me I can, well, I don't know. Hit him with it. I guess.

And I knew the phone was hitting that spot and I'd switched it into another pocket in the last few weeks but the damage had been done and there you go- a skin cancer scare. Which I have been obsessing about for the last week as if it were a job that was paying me the big bucks.

So now I feel completely wiped out and almost hung-over from the panic-hormones. I feel like I could sleep for a month. And yet, better. So much better.

And that's the story. And here's a picture from what we call the "cold room" at the Costco where Boppy met us so that he could spend some time with his boys. We love the cold room.

Owen was growling at me for taking his picture. Gibson did not care. He was checking out the spinach. Or something. Hoping that someone would kiss his neck, probably.

So next time you think you have skin cancer, DO NOT LOOK AT THE PICTURES! Just go ahead and go the doctor and have him laugh at you. Oh, but of course, first check to make sure it's not a tick. I swear. I think I'm going to have Mr. Moon take his belt sander to my hide. Probably not recommended by the Dermatology Association of America.
But obviously, they don't always get things right. Some signs do not always POINT TO DANGER!


Love...Ms. Moon


  1. I'm thinking a fanny pack for the cell phone is in order. And it'd go beautifully with your overalls, particularly if you get a nylon one of an indeterminate color and lots of zippers and hardware on it.

  2. phew. good news will robinson.

    love you.

  3. Yep......I have gone to doctors with all of the symptoms of every fatal illness known to man and, happily, been laughed at by the best.
    Oh how I love that feeling of relief.

    Of course, when you get to be as old as I am you no longer go in with as much panic because, on some days, you are actually looking for a way out.

    Stay well, Mer old dear and use a different pocket for your phone, ya' hear.

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  5. Laughing, laughing, with you, not at you. So relieved for you, and I know exactly what that panic hangover feels like. But you got a reprieve! Woo Hoo! One deadly possibility to scratch off the list, that's a win for the good guys, right? And for the record, I don't think it's crazy to be scared shitless about skin cancer. We grew up sunburnt, did't we? My sister has 2 friends dying of melanoma right now, 2! That shit is out there, and early detection is our best weapon, just like the mammograms and all the other indignities, yes? If only those pictures and the ABC thing were actually useful!

    Thanks for the sister love at my blog, I wrote that right after I read your crazier that usual post, I should have dedicated my words to you. I am right here and now.

  6. Oh I'm really pleased that it turned out to be nothing. That's great news.
    Gibson's ear looks ready for a kiss too.
    I can just picture you sitting with the bear, showing him the photos on your phone, regaling him with stories x

  7. Elizabeth- No. I walk in my cargo shorts which have approximately twenty-six pockets. I just switched up to the back pocket for the phone. I have to carry spare CD's, my CD player, extra batteries, AND the phone. And my sweat rag. And a piece of gum. I swear. All that stuff. I'm a fucking sight. They'd kick me right out of LA.

    Angella- I love you too!

    Mel- We were definitely on the same page and wave-length. And hell yes. Skin cancer can kill you and it's increasing all the time and yes, I don't even know why I have a nose left at all. It was burnt nine months of the year when I was a kid. Burnt. Blisters. All the time. Thank-you, darling.

    Lo- Yes, m'am! I promise!

    Bugerlugs- Ha! There's a thought. "And these are my grandsons. Aren't they precious?"

  8. Happy it wasn't skin cancer. And I had an ultrasound tech laugh me out of the room when she couldn't find the lump in my breast that my doctor and I felt a week earlier. I say, better to have them laugh at you than come in with the grave face. At least you're a good patient and get it checked out!

  9. Sarah- I had a doctor send me to get an ultrasound once when she "felt something" in my ovary. I had been ovulating and by the time I got the ultrasound, there was nothing. But you know- it's the "practice" of medicine and none of us knows anything for sure.
    Mostly- I am NOT a good patient. But this...thing...on my leg was just ugly.

  10. Whee, so so glad it's not cancer! I get myself worked up over stuff like that too, then it takes me a long time to believe the doctor--that yes, I do not have some terrible disease. Whew!

  11. I am so glad that you don't have skin cancer. That is a scary thing.

  12. Skin cancer can be a BFD. I'm glad it wsn't that. And I'm glad you told me so that I could worry about it until you found out. See? Isn't the blog world lovely?

  13. Whew! What a relief. I think panic is a perfectly understandable response to something like that. I remember you mentioning the place on your leg that had been discolored by your phone, but it was a while ago. I hope you haven't been worrying about it all this time!

    At any rate, I've been there. We all have our health scares. We all have our "crazy worms."

  14. My grandmama uses her emery board on her spot on her nose. I'm not recommending it, just sayin'

  15. Lora- I know we share this trait. Why do we do this? I just hate it.

    Syd- Thanks, bud.

    gradydoctor- Why are doctors so scary? Even when we like them, even when we are not afraid to die? It's so odd to me.

    Steve- Yep. We do. We all have them. I hate them.

    Stephanie- Haha! I might think about that.

  16. That is what I go through when I book an appointment and why I am draaaggginng my feet to go to the doctor with this side pain that comes and goes. It's most likely endometriosis ( for a host of reasons ) but still I need to have anything else ruled out. Because that is responsible. I just can't face the feelings I'll have before, during and while waiting for test results. plus the whole no insurance thing.

  17. Such a hypochondriac as I am, I make sure of buying my kids hats. Skin cancer is just scary! I'm glad you're fine!


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