I'm in a bad mood. Do you hear me? I want to make this perfectly clear.
Bad. Bad mood.
I went to town. I picked up a prescription, I went to the library. The library always makes me feel better and for a few minutes it did exactly that today. As long as there are libraries, there is some hope for humanity.
Then I went and ate lunch by myself, reading from a book I'd checked out from the aforementioned library. Willie Nelson's autobiography.
I'm sorry. Keith Richard's autobiography has ruined me for musician memoirs. Either Keith is really the most interesting guy in the world and truly has a way with story-telling or else his co-writer is the best co-writer in the business. Or all of those things.
But I'll keep on with Willie. God knows I love him.
But back to lunch- I am not even going to tell you what I ate but I will confess that it probably had enough calories to sustain life (even my big fat life) for at least four or five days. Plus, while I was eating, I was listening to a woman talk on the phone about her fourteen year old daughter who, if she doesn't straighten up and CLEAN THAT HOUSE is going to be beaten to within an inch of her life.
Somehow, I don't think that this was meant literally but it was still fucking disturbing.
God People! You are not in the cone of silence!
Then I went to Big Lots because fuck- why not? It was right there. And maybe I could find a few little gifties for my babies, right?
This is where it all really went south.
I can't Christmas shop. I can't do it. And here's the horrible thing- I used to BITCH AND MOAN about the lousy Christmas presents my mother gave me. Bowl covers, for instance. Every year.
And here I am- even worse than she is! At least she considered the fact that I do indeed have a lot of leftovers and that bowl covers can come in handy.
I just feel awful. Terrible. I mean, I've gotten the boys their presents (and I'm making Lily wrap them) and we'll give the kids their Christmas cash but a mother should get some meaningful gifts for her children. They should! I should! What in hell is wrong with me?
It's like I have some bizarre shopping phobia which gets worse every day of my life.
I'm paralyzed. And, at the moment, weeping. This would be funny if it weren't literally true.
Well, maybe it is still funny. But not to me. I don't mind if you laugh though. I really don't.
I talked to my bagger at Publix who is even older than I am and he always calls me Grandma and I don't mind because I call him Grandpa and he told me that his wife buys gifts for all of their kids, their kids-in-law, their grandkids, grandkids-in-law, great-grandkids, nieces, nephews, grand nieces and nephews and she wraps everything and ships them off herself and that sort of made me want to die right there in the Publix with my chicken and cans of stuff and jar of olives and whatever-the-fuck it was I bought.
Great. Now our electricity is out. Why? It's not even raining. Somehow, it's probably my fault. All of Lloyd is out of power because I'm running my dryer. Or something.
Oh. This is just a fine day.
I guess I'll go ahead and post this while the back-up charger is still juiced for the router.
Okay. The power just came back on. Too bad. Now I have no excuse to just go to bed.
Nonetheless, I should really just stop talking now.
I'm in a bit of a similar state. I seem unable to think of presents and dread, dread going out in all this chaos to find what I can't think of anyway.ReplyDelete
The crazy downstairs neighbor is constantly doing whatever insanity he is doing down there and blowing out all the electrical currents on a very regular basis.
I have been in bed most of the day and would kill for a glass (large) of brandy right now...but it would mean going out...nope.
I hope your power is back on! This time of the year makes me grumpy, too. Today it started snowing and that made me grumpy. Then it turned to rain and that made my grumpy. Now my feet are cold and won't warm up. Yes. Grumpy.ReplyDelete
But we are going out for dinner tonight and guess what? My boy is coming home for Christmas! I haven't seen him since he was "kicked out" last February because he didn't want to get a job like a grown up. In that time he has got himself and apartment and is working full time and paying his own bills. I am so proud of him but he hasn't wanted to talk to me much because he was angry. Anyway, I hope this Christmas brings healing because he is a really good kid. A little bit lazy but a good soul.
There are some days that are a right pain in the butt. I think you are having one of those days ....ReplyDelete
Christmas shopping has seemed weird to me for well over a decade now. It feels like some kind of capitalist lock-stepping, forced celebration of greed and consumerism, and I just don't relate anymore, alas. Maybe that's just exhaustion speaking. Humbug, etc.ReplyDelete
Giving "perfect" "meaningful" gifts is an illusion, a dream, an unattainable goal that I finally gave up on last year. Because no matter how long I thought and looked, I never came up with anything "perfect". And by the time I HAD to buy something, the stores were empty. Last year and this year I'm doing better with less stress. Being a good mother is not measured by the (impossibly) perfect gifts we think up. Do you measure your kids' goodness by the "perfect" gifts they give you? ... noReplyDelete
and no "buts" :)
I've had those days and they suck. I hate holiday shopping because it's so forced. I have a few more to get. I'm going to Ojai Saturday and I'll try to see what I can get there and if that doesn't work I'll run out Monday but it puts me in a mood too. Perhaps you can wait until after the holidays for the rest since you have the basics. I hope tomorrow is better for the both of us.ReplyDelete
Christmas shopping is so anxiety producing. What do you get that's meaningful for people who really do have everything they truly need? I totally get your bad mood. Mine might not lift till the gift giving and opening is past.ReplyDelete
I am in no better shape for presents this year. I have managed through years of insistence to only have to buy gifts for one person - my daughter. And even with that I am failing this year.ReplyDelete
You give the greatest gift of all...right through the year...your sincere, all encompassing, unconditional love! Apart from your young grandchildren, who also seem to be given spur of the moment gifts on a regular basis (shopping trips with you and their Mum), who needs anything more?ReplyDelete
I live in a country when the majority of the population barely earn enough to feed themselves and their families, so, yes, it's definitely a first world problem ;)
Ease up on yourself!!!! You aren't in the wrong by any means!!!!
you realize, right, that this whole gift giving fiasco was created by Madison Avenue and has absolutely nothing to do with christmas or the reason for these winter celebrations? In the past, you gave out oranges and nuts. but no, that wan't good enough. now to fully celebrate this season you have to go out and make yourself crazy and buy a bunch of crap that no one wants or needs and go into debt you can't afford to do it. so no. your kids don't need meaningful gifts from their mother. you give them meaningful gifts every day of their lives. it's called love and support and food and everything you do for them. there is nothing wrong with you for not caving into or buying into the insanity of christmas in America. stay away from the stores.ReplyDelete
You can always do like my mom does and say you bought something for your kids, but that you hid it somewhere and can't find it! I'm supposed to have a shirt with weeble people on it (inside family joke), a beautiful mohair bookmark made by a family friend, and lots of other trinkets. But she just. can't. find. them! :) Or, you can just buy all of them simmer mats and call it good. ~Sarah in ColumbusReplyDelete
The pressure is certainly on the women folk isn't it?ReplyDelete
After nearly losing my beloved dog this week because of frazzled to-do list obsession and carelessness to detail, I've decided that if the people in my life don't like what I've given them for Christmas, they can just say the word and I won't waste my time ever again. No pontooflers. No whizdanglers. No fitsbooblers. No flamclangers. Done. Christmas isn't about gifts. It's about time. Time with your loved ones. And everyone KNOWS you're the best at that, plus food.
I love your comments as much as your posts, so many kindred souls. Christmas is full of landmines for so many of us. I hear you. This year I'm having another existential Christmas crisis. All my decorations look like junk, and I feel like any attempt to decorate is just moving crap and clutter around. The hypocrisy of rampant consumerism amidst so much suffering. It's depressing.ReplyDelete
I don't want to buy anything for anyone anymore, because we all have more of everything than we need, but oh, the guilt to please others. I'm trying to be present and love the people I love, and I hope that's enough, finally. I'm making food this year, and buying dining gift cards if I can't be with them. We have plans to see movies and concerts to celebrate together, but almost nothing you can wrap and put a bow on, which feels lazy. My now adult kids are getting cash, which is lazier, but they are broke, and cash is their favorite gift.
But I'm done. With the hoppla, the pressure to make everything magical, make people happy when I know we can only make ourselves happy. Life isn't all that happy most of the time.
Oh, and I'm celebrating the solstice, lots of candles and gratitude for the light. And for friends I haven't actually met yet, but know as well as I kjnow anyone. I wish you lots of hugs and smiles and love and memories with everyone you love this Christmas. xo
You need to listen to some Merle Haggard. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99itWXANxw8ReplyDelete
Internet shopping is not painless, but I find it less painful that real shopping. If you know what I mean.ReplyDelete
I think this is the time of year where we all feel the need to be superhuman, then like shit when things don't go perfectly. I feel like a lot is expected of me because we've hosted a Christmas Eve open house for years. I prepare all the food, make gobs of cookies and fudge, and usually have a quiet breakdown in our bathroom when the house is full and loud. But my 18-year-old granddaughter, in her infinite wisdom, told me the other day that we can have cheese sandwiches as long as we're all together. I'm still stressed about it all, but not quite as much. So, just go with the flow, Ms. Moon...cry when you want/need to, and make no apologies to anyone.ReplyDelete
It's so hard to buy Christmas presents for people because most of our friends and relatives just have so much fucking STUFF nowadays. I mean, really, what do people need? You know?ReplyDelete
I have some small gifts for people but I think it's admirable to just slim it all down and keep it simple.