I saw this guy from the front, first, and then, in a very synchronistic way, realized I was following him to the restrooms after I had made my purchases. I pulled my phone from my purse and surreptitiously snapped his photo.
When I first spied him, in his belted bathrobe and sweat pants, he and his wife were sampling some of those delicious marinated vegetables. The eggplant and artichoke hearts and peppers.
"Low fat and no gluten!" said the sampler guy.
Low fat? They were marinated in OIL.
Probably yes, though, they were gluten-free.
Bathrobe. He was wearing a fucking bathrobe. A belted bathrobe. What the fucking fuck?
I thought about yesterday when we were in Thomasville and it seemed like every other woman we saw was wearing leggings, a large top, and boots.
"This look isn't working for me," said Lily.
"I understand it," said May. "I, too, frequently wish I could just wear my pajamas all day."
This guy just took it one step farther. He got out of bed and belted on his bathrobe and said, "Okay, I'm ready. Let's go to Costco."
People. Please. Show a little fucking respect to your fellow humans. I mean, really.
YOU ARE NOT THE DUDE, DUDE! NOT EVEN CLOSE! THE DUDE ABIDES. YOU WILL NOT! YOU ARE JUST A LARGE GUY IN A BATHROBE WHICH IS A GARMENT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO WEAR IN YOUR OWN HOME!
Anyway, on that trip to Costco I bought a ham and pimento cheese and frozen strawberries and tomatoes. I had looked for presents for my children. I mean, there simply has to be something under the tree from their mama or the world will come to an end. I feel certain about this. I went down all the aisles I rarely visit, hoping beyond hope that something would spring up and say, "I am it! Buy me!" For any of them.
Nothing did, although one item sort of tickled my fancy.
But. No. I did not buy it.
I left the Costco after taking that picture and using the restroom.
I drove down the road closer to town, thinking, Hell, I'll go to Target.
I was hungry. I stopped at a sandwich place and got a sandwich and ate it while reading from the book I keep in my car for just such occasions. I felt anxious and horrible and worried and stupid and inadequate. Then I thought about that item I'd seen at the Costco. And I started to laugh.
What if? What if I got every one of my children one of that item and also, one each for their beloveds?
No. I am not going to tell you what that item is but I will say it is practical and a bit luxurious and it will make everyone laugh.
I got back in my car and returned to the Costco. I went immediately to the place where that item was. I counted out what I needed and put them in my cart. The woman selling fancy purses saw me and she laughed.
"Christmas shopping done!" I said to her.
She laughed some more.
"That's great!" she said. "I love it!"
I felt so relieved you have no idea. I went to Publix where I saw a friend of mine, a woman who works there who is going through chemo. We stood in the aisle and talked and talked and we hugged more than once. I bought the pickles I need for my chicken salad, and the grapes. I bought orange juice and fancy mustard and Dixie Lily self-rising flour and full-fat buttermilk and potatoes. I loaded everything up and drove home. It took me about fourteen trips to get everything into the house. I didn't care. My soul was light and happy. I have presents for my children and for my grandchildren and for my husband. I have the ingredients to make food for Christmas eve, including angel biscuits. It is still raining and also this- when I stopped by Lily's this afternoon on my way into town and she was showing me the nursery, I asked Owen what he was looking forward to doing with his sister.
"Guess," he said.
"Hold her?" I asked him.
"No," he said.
"Calling her Beauty?" I said.
"More than that. Guess!"
"I don't know! Tell me."
"Read to her," he said.
He is learning to read and he is so proud of that.
I grabbed him to me and I said, "You just made my heart explode."
And he did.
All right. Off to wrap presents.
It is almost Christmas and I am ready.
Well you made me laugh. I love ya and I love the way ya got the job done. Have to tell ya though that in Liverpool they been wearing pygamas to shop for years and years with hair rollers too. Rare for USA to be on catchup as we usually copy you but tis mostly a Liverpool NW Brit thing. Steve Reed and other US ex pats in that London won't have seen it I don't think. Mary Moon I just watched Bruce here on TV The River 1980 He sure loved a MARY at some point and I sure love him and Little Stevie and you and your fab family. Have a ball this xmas and tell us all about it. My man at work xmas day as a nurse me home alone watching Call the Midwife Downton Abbey and your fab family who in my view would be just as a fine aseries and special for xmas day Best love from the UK Maggi & Rob & Alistair the dog. Girding loins for the Blogstapo.ReplyDelete
Maggi- Your comments just warm the cockles of my heart. And yes, I have always claimed that Bruce knows me. "The screen door slams/Mary your dress waves."ReplyDelete
I think that for him the name "Mary" is probably the essence of woman. He was raised Catholic, you know. I would love to watch those shows on Christmas day. I also think that my family would make a fine reality show but the idea of having camera-people in my house makes me shudder. And so, blessourhearts is what you get.
I am most grateful for the love from you and from Rob and from Alistair the dog.
Thank you for commenting and did you know that you don't have to do the stupid "test" to publish? Just hit publish. And it will.
Love back to you from Lloyd.
Yay and yay and yay. I love you and yours so much.ReplyDelete
Owen for President!ReplyDelete
I can't wait to find out what the presents are :)
Eh, I just wrote a long post and lost it due to not remembering my google password.ReplyDelete
I will just say, that warmed my heart too. That Owen!
I was feeling lonely and sad and suddenly thought, oh I can go visit MM, I miss her. And there you were as you always are, so warm and funny and consistent and present.Seeing evil Santa was like greeting an old friend and then I'm in the store with you thinking, Oh she's making her chicken salad and those biscuits! As if I was invited. As if I've tasted it all before. You always make me feel so welcomed and loved and familiar. I love your Christmas Eve's and love that you share them with us. How can one of my favorite people in the whole wide world be someone I've never met?
Merry Christmas Mary. love love love.
Jill- You are precious to me. Thank you.ReplyDelete
Jo- I bet you would want one too!
Bethany- I would always want to be here for you. You have your own special room in my heart. I mean that. You have no idea how often I think of you.
Such a fashion statement your Costco dude made! Bathrobe, sweats AND flip flops? That type of attire is usually seen at the WalMarts near me. Yesterday it was stained pajama pants (adorned with Hello Kitty glittery faces), a pink spaghetti strap top (sans bra, of course!) and bright green clogs. Yes, it's the most wonderful time of the year....ReplyDelete
Hahahah. What a day.ReplyDelete
And BEST HOLIDAY HEADER EVER.
I am glad you got the presents. Weight off mama's shoulders. I am happily ensconced at my sisters house in the beautiful hinterland of the Sunshine Coast. Life is sweet as are you dear Mary xxxReplyDelete
Dear god, Owen, you've made me cry.ReplyDelete
And I like the idea of wearing a bathrobe to shop in. Because then maybe no salespeople would talk to me and customers would give me a wide berth and I wouldn't have to pretend like I was deaf, which is what I generally do which I know is terrible, but I'm fluent in ASL and lived with a deaf sister for my childhood so I do it well. And then I get angry that people are terrible to deaf people and I generally desert my cart have a panic attack and start swearing loudly particularly in the proximity of parents and small children and the elderly because I am a terrible horrible person.
Jesus. I hate shopping.
Also, I think that header photo of Terrifying Santa and the chickens is my favorite holiday picture.
"The dude abides..."ReplyDelete
Yes. Yes he does. :)
That picture! I loves it.ReplyDelete
The header photo is most excellent! Don't know why I thought the chicken salad was served at Thanksgiving but I look forward to seeing a pic, truly I do. And bless Bethany's sweet heart for her words to you above and may I just say, "me too." Thank you for all you share with us, your pictures, your words, all your beloveds. Basically your heart and soul. I'm sending you wishes for all the happys and merrys your heart can hold. With love,ReplyDelete
Ha! I love this post! The bathrobe is unbelievable. There is a really discouraging trend of people wearing what are essentially pajamas in public. I see people in onesies and our school has occasional pajama days -- which is fine for little kids but for high school seniors it just seems wrong. And on airplanes people wear terrible clothes.ReplyDelete
I love that you got your shopping done and I am dying to know what you bought! You have to reveal it sometime. Please.
I also love that new photo of the Santa and the chickens. Terrific.
Oh, I just read Maggi's comment at the top -- she's right, I haven't seen the pajama-and-hair-rollers combo in London. Which is too bad in a way because it would make a great photo! :)ReplyDelete
Catrina- I just don't get it. But hey- whatever. It's not hurting me.ReplyDelete
Denise- When I got home yesterday, those chickens were just up on that porch and I set my stuff down on the ground and found my phone and took their picture. It was a Christmas miracle!
(Not really. They sit there every day, especially if it is raining.)
Leisha- Oh, to be at the coast for Christmas! The best! Enjoy.
Ramona Quimby- There should be a commandment that you do not have to shop. Seriously, sweetie. Glad you like my header. It makes me happy to look at it and to think that it makes other people laugh.
And yes- Owen reading. I swear.
Jennifer- Makes me want to sip some Kahlua.
That Hank- Does it get any more Lloyd?
Angie D- Thank you, sweetie. So much. I am so grateful for the community we have here.
Steve Reed- Why were you commenting on blog posts? You just got married! You should be in a honeymoon suite somewhere, sipping champers in the nude with your husband!
Thanks, though. You crack me up. I am so grateful for you.
And yes, you would get some fabulous pictures!
I can't abide going into Costco, although I do go occasionally. It is too big and filled with too many people in bathrobes--just kidding.ReplyDelete
All is warm here. And quiet. We are enjoying another mucky day. But it is a good one. Sending love to you and yours.
I only get gifts for the grandkids and they are easy, they tell me what they want. sometimes it's just money, the easiest gift of all. and my sister. I don't have a gift for her because the thing I was going to give her was one of the 'flowers' and totems made from the glassware and she saw them and wanted to make some too so she came over one day and we made some. well, that was going to be your christmas present, I told her. she said it could still be but now it's not unique cause she already has the ones she made. I still don't know what to get her.ReplyDelete
This was so highly entertaining! I've seen some sleep pants out and about but never a bathrobe - wow :) Love the chickens and the Santa!ReplyDelete
What the fucking fuck, indeed? Has he no shame? I am surprised his wife would go out with him. What made him get to the point in his life where he just doesn't give a fuck?ReplyDelete
Sometimes the blogstapo lets me do what you say but not always. Steve Reed I just knew that in THAT London if they did it at all it would be in trendy onsies. Typical. Are you on FB? Am sure we can find you a pic.ReplyDelete
I sometimes shop in my sad mens' pajamas from Sears and my knock off UGGS especially when I'm sick. You would judge me harshly and probably take my picture from the rear. This doesn't make me sad for me though because if there's one thing that age has given me is the ability to not give two fucks what anyone thinks about how I look or dress or not dress as the case may be. It's very freeing.ReplyDelete
Syd- It is so humid here that we might turn the AC on tonight. This is insane. But hell- it is what it is. Merry Christmas to you and your beloved!ReplyDelete
Ellen Abbott- She will still love you, no matter what.
jenny_o- It was my first time seeing a bathrobe in public and obviously, I was a bit disturbed.
I'm glad you like the chickens.
Birdie- I have no idea but I have a feeling that video games might have been involved.
Rebecca- Nope. You got it wrong. I would never judge a woman who looked as if she was ill. Ever. This guy was young and obviously not suffering from much. But hey- maybe he doesn't give a fuck and that's fine with me.