My back is like piano wires stretched up to high C and beyond, all the way to can't-be-heard-except-by-dogs and I don't even know why, I certainly do not feel especially stressed out although these dogs- in and out/in and out, god, all day long, let me just vaporize them up to heaven.
I went out into the market place today and looked at book readers and thought I knew what I wanted but a very nice young man may have changed my mind. I sort of doubt it. Why do we feel that if we choose this over that then our lives will not be as they are supposed to be? This can certainly be true in the case of choice of oncologist but probably not book readers nor whether to have the salmon or the pasta for dinner. Whether to buy the mixer in red or stainless, the sheets in blue or yellow.
I called and made an appointment next January to get my eyes examined to see if I am a candidate to get the Lasik. I did that. I called. I made an actual appointment. I wish they could do it tomorrow. I can't see for shit any more and I know that these glasses which I've had for years can't be right any more.
So I did all of that and I walked and I cleaned toilets and I went to the grocery store and I picked salad and I am cooking sweet potatoes and I almost bought a beautiful pair of clogs at Marshall's but the line was so long I just went and put them back on their shelf. There was Christmas music playing but it didn't bother me and for one second I thought, "Mary, you love your family more than anything on this earth. You should not be leaving them for Christmas, you should suck it up and do it for them," and then I thought, "Fuck that. If them knowing how much I love them depends on Christmas then I have failed miserably," and I went on, cheerful in the knowledge that I am NOT going down that road, no way, no how. I plan on staying reasonably sane this month and that's a fine goal.
Lily and Jason and Owen made it safely to Asheville where they are with Jessie, and Owen talked to me on the phone a little but then he had to get off the phone to go chase the cat. So I am at peace over that.
I didn't meet Bill Murray or finish my novel or meet Keith Richards for lunch but I did wash my hair and shave my legs so I'm ready, should the opportunity for either arise tomorrow.
And now I'm so tired I can barely sit up but I'll make it through supper which will be non-poultry-related and then I'll go to bed and hope that I do not dream of chicken coops built on an incline which keeps flooding and endangering my chickens. Why I dream this every night is beyond me. But I seem to need to. I've had worse dreams, I'm just getting bored with that one.
Those sweet potatoes smell so good. I sure am glad I live in the south and can eat sweet potatoes and also, salad from the garden in December. I'm going to chop up pears and pecans to put in the salad. Man, that is going to be good.
You know what? I am pretty damn happy. When was the last time you heard me say that?
Well, I probably won't say it again for a long time but for right now, it's true. Piano-wire back and all. Gee Dee dogs and all.
Sleep well, my friends. I mean it.
Love...Ms. Moon
You always paint such a rich and varied portrait of your life Ms Moon. I like to imagine it in my mind's eye. I can see you in the queue deciding to take back those clogs, in the garden with the dogs and the chickens. I can almost imagine what your poor back feels like, but joy such as yours I can only imagine in brief bursts. Joy such as you describe rarely lasts so long for me, but I know about the pleasure we get out of the things that matter.
ReplyDeleteI hate wearing my glasses for reading. I have thought if there was any way that Lasik would help me. Even hubby has thought of it. Sure hope that you can have it done and if so let us all hear how it goes.
ReplyDeleteI never understand how one day I can have a bunch of energy and other days from the get go I am tired and really don't want to do a whole lot. But I get going and do what I must and leave the rest. Sometimes I think I must have had to active a dream life and that is why I don't have much gumption on those mornings.
Ah Mary, I relate to the things you say so much I simply want to cry from hearing another share their life as you do -- one that I can relate to.
ReplyDeleteOf course you will go to Cozumel and not feel one bit guilty because all your kids want for you is for you to be happy.
You may not dare to come out and say you are happy so boldly for fear of lightning striking you, but really, you say it basically everyday I think. I hear it anyhow in your words. Or maybe just feel it. It feels good. That's one of the reasons we come here I think. Well I should only speak for myself.
ReplyDeleteThose sweet potatoes and the salad with pears and pecans sound delicious.
ReplyDeleteI AM SO GLAD TO HEAR YOU SAY YOU ARE HAPPY.
ReplyDeleteLove, Lo
I think the first post I read by you was the one where you got those new glasses!
ReplyDeleteKeep thinking about pulling the plughole on the floodwaters and watch them swirl away.
It's good you're ready for Bill'n'Keith. Always be prepared.
I am tired of the Christmas music in the stores. I don't mind the lights and trees but the music everywhere is too much. Glad that you are having a happy time!
ReplyDeletePretty damn happy is pretty damn good.
ReplyDeleteYour back and my back should get together for a long sorrowful conversation.
And yeah, that Christmas thing....it sure can mess with us. I'm gettin' out of town, too. But what I really would like to do is visit a planet far, far away where there is a holiday of lighted trees and no gifts or crazy spending.
Elisabeth- Thank you. Whenever you praise my writing, it makes me feel so good.
ReplyDeleteEllen- I agree. Some mornings I wake up EXHAUSTED from my dream world. It's true.
Rubye Jack- Mmmmm....True! They WANT me to be happy, right?
Bethany- Do you know how much I think of you? How tenderly I hold you in my heart?
Mary LA- They were awesome!
Lo- Well, sometimes it just must be said!
Jo- So true. Clean hair, shaved legs- that'll be preparation for many things, even if I don't meet up with billnkeith.
Syd- This music wasn't obnoxious. It was some current girl singer (I have no idea who) and she had a great voice.
Denise- I think that's what I'm doing. Mexico may not be another planet but it might as well be.
No guilt here! I have successfully handled some shocked and sullen reactions without a hint of guilt or regret!
ReplyDeleteI imagine it is because people feel we 'deserve' this given,
but still.
No guilt. I wish we could make it a tradition. Sitting around doing holidays is always forced for me . Always. Like baby showers. It just doesn't matter how I try.
I hate being told to have certain feelings at certain times.