Tuesday, October 6, 2020

Remembering


That is what Maurice looked like yesterday. She was napping in the Pac 'n' Play that I still have up in the guest bedroom for Levon, although he's never yet spent the night and will soon be too big for it. But I suppose that Maurice felt safe it it. Jack rarely goes into that part of the house and she's somewhat hidden from view. Poor baby. Her face still looks rough. And I heard her and Jack have another spat yesterday. This is an eternal feud. Hate without end, amen. Amen.

Did you ever have a friend to whom you were so close that you were practically inseparable? That you loved so much that it was just this side of inappropriate? Who carried you on her back during the hardest times and you did the same for her? Whom you talked to endlessly on the phone and whose voice never failed to make you happy? Whom you told EVERYTHING to? Who knew you better than any other human on earth and vice versa? 
And then, over the years- something happened. Could have been anything. A disagreement or more likely a slow change in one or both of you and resentments and bitterness began to creep in and add up. Whether you or she changed or both of you changed or whether you started to realize that certain things about her drove you crazy, things that had always been there but that you had been blinded to or chose not to notice, it all started to tip the scales to the point where the friendship was unstable and then untenable. 
This has happened to me several times. And it's always heartbreaking, although always a little different. For me, the relationship I was in with a friend whom I never thought I would not love and want to talk to every day slipped cog after cog until eventually the mechanism simply did not work anymore. The chemistry was gone, disappeared. Because there is chemistry in these friendships whether same sex or not. There simply has to be to form this sort of bond in which there is a closeness that for a time, at least, is unbreakable. In this case, it suddenly seemed to me that my friend was going crazy. She had huge problems with other people and would complain endlessly about them but I could never get her to tell me exactly what she was so angry about, just that she was. So, so angry. Her habit of going on and on and on about how much she loved a family member drove me crazy. She was often unkind, although I don't think she meant to be, it's just that she was not very sensitive to others' feelings. 
Over the years it occurred to me that she is probably a narcissist. Everything, in the end, was about her. And whatever slights she perceived from others were not forgiven. Ever. 
We tried, a couple of times over the years to meet up, to catch up, and there was always a deep element of anticipation to that for me. I missed her terribly. Or at least I missed the part of her that I loved for so long. Because parts of her were beautiful in every way. 
But after an hour or so, I would realize that no, nothing had really changed. It was still all about her, mostly. And the things that had annoyed me to the point of not wanting to see her, talk to her, were still very much a part of her. 

I dreamed about this woman last night. I do dream of her occasionally but this dream was quite vivid and we were reconnecting in some ways. I suppose I miss and need companionship now more than ever and in my deepest heart I miss that connection I had with her which was so special and so pure for so long. All day I've been thinking of her and when I went to town to do my shopping, I decided to actually go by Joann's Fabrics. The route there took me through my old neighborhood. The one I'd mostly lived in when this woman and I were such close friends. She lived less than a mile away in a house I am almost certain she still lives in. I drove by my old house and was hit hard with memories of the times when I lived there. I was in nursing school, a single mama, struggling with all my might to keep my life together, going through a depression and a divorce. I don't know how I did it and I will tell you right now that I never could have without this friend's help. It was also the place I was living when I met Mr. Moon. The place I was living when my darling Sue and I were such good friends. The place where my nursing school friends would all gather to study together, drink coffee together, get ready to go out to dance together. Where Hank and May lived as little ones, where I felt that I was failing them in every way, almost every day. The place where Lily was born. 
I stopped in front of the house for a moment to take in the changes. It's still a small but very handsome house. Glen and his daddy turned a screened side-porch into a huge master bedroom and bathroom before we were even married. That's the room Lily was born in. My friend was there when Lily was born but I can remember even then feeling uncomfortable with her. 
I could have closed my eyes and driven to her house by muscle memory alone. But I didn't want to drive past her house, much less stop and visit. There is too much water under that bridge. 

I went on to Joann's where I spent a relatively fruitless (but expensive) forty-five minutes. I did not find the quilt flannel I wanted but did buy a few yards of unprinted solid-colored flannel and a few yards of cotton to make more masks with if I want although I don't know why I would. Masks are a dime a dozen these days, almost literally. It was so odd being out. That might have been my first shopping excursion besides Publix and Costco since last March. I kept feeling like I would run into my old friend. I think she works in that neighborhood. 
I didn't. 
I went on to Publix and Costco and not only pandemic shopped but hurricane-shopped too. There is a category 4 storm named Delta about to slam into the Yucatan tonight and then it will head north, of course. 


It's "supposed" to hit west of here but of course one never knows and it is definitely going to hit Cozumel which is right off the coast where that red part of the map is. I've been thinking about that all day too. As if those people haven't been through enough recently with the pandemic and very, very limited tourism and no cruise ships. I know it's crazy but my heart will always be there in those jungles, in that water of seven colors, with those people who smile so beautifully and love their children so dearly. 

Emotional day. But I got out of the house! I did that. I have enough supplies to last through a hurricane should Delta change her mind, her track, her course. Enough for maybe one one hundredth of a pandemic. 

I don't have an ending. I guess if I did, it would just be to say that I honor the love and friendship that I had for my friend and also honor the grief that I will always hold for what was and what can never be again. 

This is life. We are humans. We fall in love, we fall out of love, we hold on tight to that which is real and learn to let go of that which is not. 
Or something like that. 

Love...Ms. Moon

30 comments:

  1. narcissism is impossible, no matter how much love there may be it will trip you up every time. I have learned this late in life and now my radar is acute! So tricky. You story may be more common than our knowing, and the odd thing is that the narcissist never reckons with that disorder, because they are all about themselves- in the end. I have known, still know a few. Once I realized though, it made everything easier, I assume nothing, or have any expectations.

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    1. I could be a narcissist myself. I often worry about that as I think my mother was. It's a tricky thing because narcissists can be the most charming of all people. Not always but damn- they can be.

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  2. your post rings so true with me, it caught my breath and made me cry today....an emotional day for me as well. I have experienced the same...(haven't most of us?) ..with a lifelong friend....... thankfully for us, with much hard work and soul searching and determination on both parts and gut wrenching revelations.....we have been able to reclaim our relationship in the last year or two. Not to what it once was......but what it IS now...and we continue to work on it because we love each other and well, history. She and I have known each other since age 18........so..pretty important. You hit the nail on the head today for me in so many ways. Sometimes you can bridge and repair.....sometimes not.....but it's always painful and sometimes joyful....... too much wine, so will not go on.....just to say I love your wisdom
    Susan M

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    1. Too much wine or not, that was a beautiful comment. I think that repairing your friendship is something you should be proud of. And I hope you are and I hope that the friendship brings you joy. History IS important. People with whom we share things that are the most intimate hold those parts of ourselves, don't they? And we hold parts of them.

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  3. Nothing lasts forever and that is surely true of our relationships. Everything changes. I often think that healthy conversation and friendship should be like playing a gentle game of table tennis. You pass to me and I pass to you. Balanced like that. Not one way traffic. But it was good that that old friend was there for you back in the day when you really needed support during a tough phase of your life.

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    1. She was a lifesaver for me and I hope that I helped her too. I tend to think that men do not form same-sex friendships that are as intense as the ones women share. I am not sure why that is but it is what I've witnessed. Men can be very good friends with someone and really not know much about them whereas women's very close friendships are much more intimate. In my experience, anyway. We need those friendships. We really do.

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  4. i've had a couple of friends like that, esp the kids i used to squat with. it's like too much happened and we aren't those people any more and those ties no longer bind us. i guess not everyone is in your life for every reason and every season.

    xxalainaxx

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    1. Very, very true and very, very wise dear Mrs. M. I especially love the "too much happened and we aren't those people any more..." part. Exactly. And yet, when they were happening, they were intense and real and fucking necessary.

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  5. I have two old friends whose leaving me has never been adequately explained to me--as if they could be, I suppose. I don't believe the reasons given by either. But it still takes two to tango, as they say. It's not a dance I ever tried alone. I finished your column with a moist eye and thought, that's it. I'm going to try once more with Linda. She came up in a conversation today, and I didn't bring her up. And then I thought why set up for one more rejection. And I have not made the call.

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    1. That's a hard decision to make. To risk rejection again is a very brave thing to do but is it wise? I guess you would have to decide whether a positive outcome would be worth it.
      I've been on the other side of that equation- the one letting a friendship go without much explanation and although I have felt very guilty, in both cases it felt like what I had to do to protect myself. Ugh.
      I wish you good luck with whatever you decide.

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  6. I had a very dear person in my life with whom I shared so much. She was my best friend and she was my support when I went through my painful divorce over 20 years ago. A couple of years later, I found true love and shortly thereafter, this friend told me she didn't have that kind of love with her husband and therefore, it was too painful for her to be friends with me anymore. It broke my heart but I realized she wasn't really a friend to begin with...unless I was more miserable than she.

    I love your blog and appreciate your raw honesty.

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    1. Some people are like that- the friendship requires a certain balance, even if it is not equal, and when that is upset, things scatter. So hard.
      Thank you for that last sentence. I appreciate it with all my heart.

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  7. Some friendships are only for a season, we’re bound by our need to support each other through something and then life changes, and the water flows under the bridge. But some people are for a lifetime. These are our soul mates I think, our soul cluster. Still I’m grateful for the people with whom I had that closeness you describe so poignantly here. I cherish the memories and mourn the fact that we can’t go back to what was. You have got me thinking deeply about certain people tonight. The chemistry. The all consuming love. And then the slow unraveling. I know exactly the feelings you share in this post.

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    1. Yes! But I would have sworn this woman was my soul mate. I believed that with all of my heart. Because you and I are so alike in so many ways, I know that you do know exactly what I'm talking about and the feelings I had/have.
      In many ways, you and I are soul mates, I think. You are always in my heart.

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  8. Such a beautifully written post Mary, it made me cry also, you have a magic way with words xx

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    1. Oh, thank you, Blods! I'm sorry I made you cry but sometimes we need that, I guess.

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  9. This post brought up such a lot of memories, my reaching out over and over, after rejection, making excuses for the other person until I finally realized it was never going to change, and I could use my energy elsewhere. It took a long time to feel entitled to do that.

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    1. Yes- there is that element of having to get to the point where we feel we can let go. And that's a hard one. I guess we've all experienced this.

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  10. Clearly, you captured the feelings that most of us have experienced when friendships fade away or sometimes die ignominiously--and touched us all. Friends for a season, as Rosemarie said.

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    1. It would seem that yes, we all know these feelings, have had this experience. It is important to honor those people for the season they were with us, isn't it?

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  11. Of course I have similar friendships that have evolved (and devolved) over the years. Not only has your friend probably changed but I'm sure you have too -- you're probably able to see flaws in her that were always there but that you may not have perceived before. We all just keep changing and sometimes we're no longer compatible. It IS sad but it's just the way life works, I guess.

    I love revisiting places where I have lived previously. Even when the neighborhoods have changed it's the closest experience to stepping back in time.

    Poor Maurice!

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    1. Yes. It's sad. But it's damn real. We do change, even if the changes simply allow ourselves to see more clearly and also, what we once needed from a friend we may not need anymore.
      It's complex.
      You're right about visiting old neighborhoods. There are some I would not revisit for anything and some I never tire of returning to.

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  12. yep, several times. I tapered off several friends over the decades. I've also been dropped like a hot potato with no explanation more than once though I'm certainly not a perfect person. some of the best, well, not advice, more like knowledge I received over the loss of friends is that some people come into your life for only a certain amount of time to fulfill whatever need you or they have at that time and when that need is fulfilled or dealt with they exit abruptly or gradually. as humans, we grow and with friends we don't always grow in the same direction or together. it seems sad to lose someone you thought was a good friend, even painful but life goes on and you and they are continuing on your own destinies.

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    1. Yes. You're right in all of that. And as I said in another comment, what we once needed, we may not always need and thus the roles we seek from others are no longer appropriate. That's so weird but so true.
      Our destinies were entwined but then, they are not.

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  13. I had a best friend, from the time we were fourteen years old, who dumped me about ten years ago. She told me I was too angry but in truth, I think she was angry with me for going back to my ex-husband and trying again, and because she was afraid I would tell her new husband about an affair she had at work. I wouldn't have told anyone but she didn't trust my obviously.

    I was so hurt by that experience. When I look back, she had done the same thing more than once to "friends". I just thought I was immune. I guess not.

    I grieved that loss for a long time and still miss that relationship but obviously that relationship was something different for her than it was for me.

    It's hard.

    Good for you for getting out in public. Sending hugs and love.

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    1. Damn. Yeah. And there are things we cannot change about ourselves to please someone else. We have to be who we are, we have to do what we have to do. And if that breaks up a friendship- well- it does. But it's hard.
      Hugs and love back to you.

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  14. Sadly I do think so many friendships are just "for a season" of our lives. We move on and our circumstances change so that friend from whom we were inseparable all those years ago ends up moving on too. Stay safe from the hurricane - I hope it gives you a wide berth!

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    1. It does look like the hurricane is going to veer away from us. I hope it doesn't hurt anyone!
      Friendships are often like romances, aren't they? Especially in that it is so rare for them to last a lifetime. But so beautiful when they do.

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  15. I am sorry for your loss and the grief which accompanies it. Having had a similar experience, I also understand the range of feelings that can occur when this person comes to mind. In my case, I send up a silent wish that they are safe and well and appreciate the relief I feel at no longer having to deal with them in person. I wasn't aware of this new hurricane...I hope it veers off. Be safe.

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    1. That is a perfect thought and wish to send up for someone who was once so close. Perfect, e. Thank you.

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