In the last few nights I have reported being at peace and contented.
Tonight I have to say I am happy.
For those of us who have chronic depression and anxiety, this is rather huge. Of course, we all have our moments of these three emotions, even during the bad times. But to have an entire day where we feel cheerful and fine and okay and at peace and contented and even, dare I repeat it? Happy? Well.
You want to know how it feels?
It feels amazing.
I've stayed busy all day long but it didn't feel like useless make-work to keep me moving and not dwelling on things, even though it was with all of the stuff I usually do. The laundry, cooking, sweeping, watering, hanging out with my daughter and grandkids, visiting a bit with Jessie and August and Vergil.
And hanging out with my husband, too, being silly and loving and joking with him. Looking forward to an evening of nothing more and nothing less than watching another episode of "The Crown" and eating our supper.
I told him today that I think he should take me to Mexico once a year.
"Maybe twice a year," he said.
How could I disagree with that?
I couldn't and so I just kissed him again.
It was so good to see Jessie and Vergil and August. I had meant to take a picture of that boy of course, but either I was holding him the whole time or else he was nursing and I was having such a good time with him that I forgot. Simply forgot. But trust me. He is darling. He scrunches up his little nose when he smiles and makes games of sharing his food with everyone, including Greta and laughs and laughs. I read him a book and that made him happy too. He's a delicious monkey of a boy, that one, and I bit his toes as he nursed. We talked about how reassuring it is when your baby is sick and a nursling because as they go to the breast for comfort, we know they are getting sustenance and are hydrated. He is almost well although his nose is still snotty and he was in a good mood. He was...happy.
This has been the worst year for viruses. Maggie is running a little fever again and her nose is stopped up and I suppose she now has what August is just getting over, what Jessie and Vergil have now too. I can't figure this out and I can't help but wonder if some of it is due to climate change. Is that crazy?
When I was in town (which is usually a degree or so warmer than Lloyd) I noticed that the Japanese Magnolias are in full bloom and the azaleas are opening up their buds.
So lovely but...this is January.
And the mosquitoes are already out.
I don't know. I just know that it's been a beautiful weekend with grandchildren and chores and my husband, and I kept some of the soup for our supper here tonight. I know that the grandchildren are...happy...and thriving, despite the bumps in the road and they are funny and smart and loving and all of the things we want our grandchildren to be.
I know that I love my husband as much as I've ever loved him in our lives together if not more.
And if I wake up tomorrow in the pit of despair again I will know that at least I have had these days and once again, I am grateful and I feel so very, very lucky.
I got gold rings on me, as Keith Richards always wishes upon people at his concerts when he takes his bow.
More than I deserve and more than I ever thought I'd have.
And yet...here it is, here I am.