Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Even With Camellias

The sky was a patchwork of blue and gray and white and dark and light when I got up and my anxiety was rippling right along like white foam on the waves, constantly renewing itself, rearing up, hissing on the shore as it rolled in like breath, like heartbeat, over and over.

I knew I had to take a walk and so I did and it was such a good thing to do. As I walked, the sky cleared until it was a blue silken sheet above me. I ducked into the old graveyard where I found the newest headstone with fallen Christmas decorations around it. I set them all back in a sort of order.

Everything seemed at peace there. 

While I walked, I listened to the Diane Rehm Show and it was about the latest Catholic Synod and although her guests were obviously very intelligent and had great senses of humor and were convinced that things in the church are going to change, it all just seemed like counting the number of angels who can dance on the head of a pin to me. They were discussing annulment, as I did briefly the other day, and how the Pope is probably going to streamline that process so that those who are divorced and who want to remarry within the church and receive the sacraments may do so. People called in about how horrible it was not to be able to marry in the church or take communion which represents to them the grace of their god, because the annulment process is so difficult and no one, NO ONE said, "This is just a bunch of crap and outdated manmade rules which mean nothing." No one said, "It makes no more sense to say that a marriage which produced children and lasted for years never happened than it does to say that unbaptized infants go to hell or Limbo (which no longer exists in doctrine) and it's stupid and it's cruel to lay that shit on people and their children."
Ah well. People believe what they want to believe and if this Pope wants to make things a bit more realistic and pertinent and intelligent and compassionate, then I am all for him. 
Still, I do not understand this need to believe. I never will. It is just not in me. I no more have faith in the Catholic god than I do in a benevolent universe or that there's a plan for each of us. None of this interferes in any way with my ability to be awed by the world I live in, over and over again. Or to try and do my best to be a kind and compassionate person. 

I don't know. It just all sort of makes me crazy, this human desire to believe that we are important enough for some Divine Power to be constantly keeping his eye on the sparrow and us too and if that's true, someone ain't doing his or her job if you ask me. Let go and let god at your own risk is what I say although I do not care to try and control much of anything at all anymore. If you pray and get what you prayed for, that's proof of god for some people. If you pray and you don't get what you wish, there's always someone to remind you that this too, is proof of god in that god often has other plans in store for you which is why you didn't get what you prayed for. 
Father knows best. So then you pray for acceptance and understanding of god's will. 
And so forth.

Well, okay. 

Here's some more beautiful camellias from a bush in the yard of the vacant house next door.

I can't help but stop and admire these beauties and I do pick some now and then. 

I talked to the guys working on the old store and they're going to try and open in about a month. It looks great in there and it's going to be called Papa Jay's Country Store. Or something like that. They are going to have "a little bit of everything," the guy told me. Jay himself? I do not know. But I am very excited at the prospect of having a small business here where people can come together to get coffee and sandwiches and milk and whatever. I hope it works out. 

And now I am home and it's fairly quiet here in Lloyd. 

There's Miss Eggy Tina, Willy, Lily and Miss Camellia. Miss Dovie is doing fine in the coop although she is skittish as can be. She may always be. That's alright. She may or may not become part of the flock one day. I will do my part to make her feel safe and welcome but beyond that, I can do no more. 
It is painfully obvious to me that some things will be as they are and that I have no control over them. Even things like my own damn anxiety although yes, I can do certain things to try and alleviate some of it and/or learn to live with it a little more easily. Get exercise, spend time outside, take my medication. Etc.

So it goes. One day for no discernible reason you wake up and it's cloudy and dismal and then the sun breaks through and the clouds disappear. But there IS a reason and it has to do with a whole lot of scientific stuff that we now know about and someday they'll figure out the whys and wherefores of mental illness. I hope. But just as with the weather- understanding WHY and being able to do shit about it are two different things. 

At this point I have no idea what I'm talking about so I guess I'll go do some laundry.

Yours truly...Ms. Moon


  1. One reason the internet means so much to me is that I find these lovely people, good people, thinking people, who have come to conclusions so much like my own. Yes to everything you have said, and said so well.

    My grown daughter suffers from several health conditions including anxiety and depression, and went from a religionless upbringing to the arms of the Catholic Church. For her, it has been a help, the music and the structure and the feeling that there is something out there. I bite my tongue and try to accept.

  2. we are god. there. i said it. every one of us. some call this blasphemy. we might be in the matrix for all i know. we are the ones with our eyes on the sparrow. the sparrow is us. each other. it is up to us to care for each other. religion so often allows us to abdicate responsibility for each other, laying it at the feet of a concept. no. it's us. i love how you think.

  3. If I don't get the chance
    Happy new year to you

  4. jenny o- I do believe that some people are just more genetically inclined to believe in religion. And it does offer great comfort to many.
    May I say that I am glad you found me?
    Which is not like finding religion!

    Angella- That's what I think too. Or something LIKE that. Stephen Gaskin said that when we see something and think, "Why isn't God taking care of this?" that WE are the eyes of God in that situation. Which is what you are saying, I think. What I told Kathleen before she died is something I also believe- that when we die we are going to think, "Oh. I remember this. I knew this all along!" I'll tell you something else- I sure am glad that you are part of GOD. And my life.

    John Gray- Thank-you, good sir! And to you and all of yours as well.

  5. Those camellias! Those sweet winged things!

  6. It's so funny -- we heard that same Diane Rehm show today in the car, and Dave's reaction was just like yours. "How can people BELIEVE this stuff?" he said.

  7. Denise- My camellias bring me so much joy.

    Steve Reed- Give Dave a big high five for me.

  8. I love these meandering, wandering, Willy and Nilly posts.

    And your views on god and religion and all that folderol are eminently reasonable --

  9. I don't believe in anything. There's no rhyme or reason to why things happen. And to think there's a man upstairs in control makes as much sense as believing in Santa Claus.

  10. Elizabeth- My posts do tend to ramble, don't they?

    LBags- Or as I call it- the Imaginary Friend.


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.