There Is Crazy And Then There Is Crazy

It's Monday and that means it's only four days before Friday which is when we're supposed to head up to Albany, Georgia to the wedding of the son of one of my oldest friends. I have been in complete denial about this situation for months now, making only the vaguest of plans to lose weight and get together some sort of costumage for such an event (there is a dinner on Friday night, the wedding and reception on Saturday and a brunch on Sunday) and become a more sane and normal individual who can actually attend and enjoy such a fine social gathering as this one certainly promises to be.
I did make us a room reservation. I did that. Otherwise...bupkis.
I'm still fat, have nothing to wear, and am now in the redline zone of freakage.

Look. I know I'm a self-absorbed, overly-blessed woman of unbelievable entitlement who can't seem to pull her head out of her ass. I know that. So if those exact thoughts were going through your head, join the crowd.

There's so much going on this world. Example: tomorrow the Supreme Court will be voting on the Defense Of Marriage Act and I am following that with intense interest. Finally, perhaps, married gay citizens will have the same legal rights as married straight citizens. It seems so simple to me, that if someone is married, they are married and by the way states- could you all get onboard with that one? Love is love, the commitment to make a family together is the same for all of us, and to deny that is to deny a large segment of our society their civil rights.
I just hope that the Supreme Court sees the issue the same way.

I do care about more than my own selfish self. I do know there's a world out there beyond my garden, my chicken coop, my wisteria. I know that I am the luckiest woman on earth, blessed with enough and more than enough and when I say that I don't just mean money-related stuff, I mean the real stuff which is love and freedom and civil rights and all of it. I'm just running a little short on complete mental health and I joke about that a lot but it's pretty limiting, that shortage. And now it's Monday and I have four days to get this together and that will involve going to town and doing actual shopping and no, I can't wear the nunnightdress to this wedding. It's Monday and the sun is shining and the Supreme Court is going to vote on something historically and incredibly important tomorrow and I feel paralyzed to get out into the world and even take my trash and I can't live in overalls forever, not really, and I want to be able to go out into the world, not just to take my trash but to shop in stores and not hate my body and to be able to talk and socialize and forget my own self and my own self-consciousness for a little while and sometimes I just hate the fact that I feel so crippled.

Here we all are. And we may define ourselves as straight or gay or sane or crazy or fat or thin or black or white or use whatever parameters we think we fit in but when it all comes down to it, we are human beings and we all have limitations and strengths and we all have the damn right to pursue happiness if that's not hurting anyone else and I have to remember that. That I am probably no crazier than the next person although my brand of crazy keeps me happiest at home which is a fairly obvious sort of crazy whereas the next person's crazy may be the sort that believes that love should only be legally defined as this or that and we are both under delusions.
At least my sort of insanity doesn't really hurt anyone else, except for perhaps my husband who would like to travel more. With his wife.
At the heart of it, we are all probably just trying to protect ourselves, keep ourselves safe with some sort of magical thinking although for the life of me, I can't understand how allowing someone to get married  and to have all the legal rights therein is threatening in any way.
But. That's why they call it crazy, I suppose.

All right. I've taken the trash. It is a true-blue day here although the wind is cutting and the temperatures are not going to get nearly as high as they did yesterday and I feel as if things in my mind are more in perspective than they were when I started this. Maybe.

Maybe I'll go to town and maybe I'll wait until tomorrow when Lily can go shopping with me. "You know I'll tell you the truth," she said. And she will.

And maybe tomorrow the Supreme Court will realize the truth when they go to decide on DOMA which is that it's completely insane and not just slightly so, to deny people legal rights based on something which is as irrelevant and as irrevocable as skin color. And wrong. Insane and wrong.

Good morning from Lloyd where I am feeling crazy and where I may be wrong but not about everything.

Love...Ms. Moon